It irks me to know that after years of toil ...I continue to be the person I ve always been...the same bloody wanna-do-it-all , confused, mushy, scared existence.
Yeah...one thing has changed -I am struggling with spelling words here ...owe it to my literary dormancy.
Oh yeah ...another thing has changed as well - my ability to appreciate good things in life.It is majorly dysfunctional.Birthdays no longer excite me.Making a phone-call is perceived as pain.I dont even remember what would make me happy?!!!!No...I am not sad ...just plain bland..unperturbed by happiness.
Quite contradictory to what I said about being unperturbed...I wonder if my long-last friends would remember me.My present is a feeler of what it is to be dead...wiped from the memory of all who knew me.
One moment I wonder ,"What kinda person walks away from a dear soul so much to oblivion?!!" ...and then I realise that I have done just the same.Sometimes we choose not to interfere.Sometimes the choice chooses us.Either way the feeling of missing remains.Quite over-powering at times.
I donot look to elaborate reminiscence but to brief greetings ...may be a "I m fine" , " I am doing this...whatz with you?" kinda interactions.May be I m being silly...why do I even need those empty conversations.May be for ol' times sake?!!!
Point to self: "Please grow up."