Mid-night musings

These days ( since my last post?!!!) I am really very happy , for no particular reason. 'Excited' , 'enthused' would be more appropriate words. Thatz exactly how I feel. What else would keep me up until 2.00 in the morning , all upbeat and zingy?!!

I ve been this way , chirpy and hyper for the last couple of days, more so at work. I was seriously considering talking to my manager about putting me in isolation. That way I can have more work done and let others as well. Well, my head phones are there always to resort to and then there are theirs!!

That apart, I m working to pick up new tool skills (Adobe Photoshop, Insight) , not without a co-traveller's help :-)

Just read : Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink". I ve got myself so addicted to everynight that I get jitters if I dont and I get morbid about running out of books(at home)to read.

Now reading: "Eat that frog"(God bless those mighty-hearted sponsors ;))

My goals and guidelines for 2009 are in place , undergoing refinement on and off.

I am glad about having brought this sense of lightness into my heart(Oh , the irksome mushy mushy gurl I am?!!). Feeling better than ever.

Hope is all time high. I just have to whip up things to put that to good use.

Well folks, thatz for now. Will keep you posted on whatz rocking at my end.

I read this quote and I seem to second the idea ;)

"When you were born, God said , "Yes!!!"
- Sarah Pound

A little better me

I am trying here ...to be a lil better ...more patient, less demanding, more tolerant, more understanding. There is a cheerfulness pattern to me; when I m with a certain genre of people I beam with cheer, well beyond the grim thoughts welling in me and then there are others with whom even my sunny-self suffers.I dont even know if I view them like they are my Dementors , but luck has it that things majorly goof up , fall-short , just when they are invicinity.I am working to break the pattern.Looks like the pattern is trying me even harder.

That apart, there is some consistency that I m trying to bring to my days and to myself. I ve little dreams I wanna pursue , little places where I want to get to , little moments that I want to make.

The other day I was thinking about dying and what I would miss if I have to die , funny ...there is nothing. May be I ll just ask for a minute or two for a little self-talk and a small thank-you prayer and then lie and smile to sleep.Thatz just the way I feel.

I ll sign off here now ... my thinking is getting water-locked :-)

Choose not to read this

Honestly...I am perfectly ok if you choose to flip to another site or go back to a some place where sensibility prevails. I am in no mood to think and there is nothing in particular I want to talk about.So I really cannot say what I am gonna spew!!

A little while ago I was reminded of a very very wonderful time I had with a friend on a New year's day (let me get more specific ...the year is 2005).If I have to count all my happy moments that sure would be in.

Oh!...and about past two days, I was hyper-enthused ...smiling, chirpy, super friendly,singing ...like I had done drugs...just could not contain my spirits.

I dont know if there is any jerk who could even match up with me...I miss people like crazy!!I am really really sad.I miss some friends , the good times ( I have insufficient memory for the bad ones), fun , laughters, mushy mushy moments...what do I do?!!!Sometimes I feel like I would shine shoes, mop floors, sell insurances to zombies; do just about anything to talk to my friends, be with them.And another irkiest part is when I see one day-in and day-out and pretend like I m this poise, gracious lady ,at a distance, when I am all about screaming within over how I terribly miss the good times we had.

Gosh ...I am such a tough person to handle!!!What you call a normal day would make me feel I m riding a roller-coaster.Today I was all of it: happy, sad, confused, lonely, nostalgic, teary, chirpy, argumentative, poise, responsible, dumb, lost, courteous, rude, friendly...you name it. My mood-swings are as bad as Mr.Ramanan's weather forecast ; I really cant predict which way they would sway.But then, predictability is so dull and uninteresting!!!

I am getting a little hazy about what I am typing...sleep calls.I ll call this done here.Your patience is much appreciated:) I just have one question to ask : "Are you crazy?"!!

HQ experience

Yesterday morning I started for office and was not in particularly great mood ...may be the previous day training that went late into the night ,may be the errors that wont go, may be sleeplessness or may be just me ...whatever the reason. Well , that was a minor glitch in my day's program.What followed was amazing ...may be I was destined to have a good start.

I stepped out of the house and waved out for an auto who just stopped and surprised me with his politeness. For the first time in my life I was hearing an auto-wala say "Yes Mam, where do you want to go?" and gosh ... the tone was soo polite and he had a smile on his face !!!Well, that made me all smiles :) He made a few inquiries on how to get to the place , set his ear phones on and sang all the way.All along he was such a courteous driver , giving way to other vehicles , waiting for the pedestrians to cross, being patient at the signals and minimal honking . I felt like I was living an utopia !!!

That ride turned me from a grouch I was starting the day as to a all-smiles person.Honestly , he made my day. Itz amazing how people with a high HQ(Happiness Quotient) can be so contagious.

P.S: Funny I ve been thinking about him the whole of yesterday and earnestly wish I could catch up with him sometime.Happiness can be very addictive :)

An update for update's sake...

Itz been a month since I ve been away ... connectivity was remote and so was my zeal to blog.Been in intense thinking mode.

A quick recap of things that went by: came back home; stayed unconnected for a ong while ..no internet , no mobile ; Paid an unenthusiatic visit to my abode (sigh!!!) ; Went on a trek ( I see a little life there!!!) ; Hurt my toe and my toe nail suffers even now ; Saw a lay-off at work , watched my friends let go , felt bleak; Uncertainity quotient is an all time high , which I think is good ... stagnation is bad , breeds grub (took a while to get this thought sorted).Thatz that.

And now , flu is in the air ...I ve got the germs as well. Have been without a cold or fever for a long while , so thought I ll let this one be. Decided to keep away from medications.Downing jugs of Vitamin C and itz doing good. I know I m gonna be just fine by Monday.

Thatz from me for now. Until I think of something worth posting, I ll leave you with this babble.

Take good care :)

Seeing the world...

I m liking this ...me being here.

If you knew me and knew me well , you would know how fickle-minded I am.Say if I am at place X , doing the Y thing ...then I want to be in place A , doing the Z thing.And when I actually get to place A and get to do the Z thing , then T place doing the Q thing is all that I drool about.

But today, I feel different. I am happy at this E place doing this B thing :)

I like what these travels do to me...not places ...but mostly the people I meet or even just observe from afar.May be itz also the places...I am not sure.

The feeling of something unveiling inside me is wonderful.I am easy on myself , more passionate about life, less desperate to get somewhere and more sure of how I want to be and the positivity that I can be where-ever I want to be.I feel lighter. A subtle confidence that even if something goofs up, it simply is not the end of the world : like a faith that has been seeded.

The innate confusion is still there ...I am probably a little less clueless I guess :)

I want to learn new stuff , travel the world, know new people, live every day with excitement and die ...alive and kicking :)

Pretty simple agenda for life, isn't it?

Love ya all :)

Love ...

Lots of love can make you cry, believe me I did.

And today, somehow, I find it appropriate to revisit this thought.

Itz funny what a maverick can do with words .Take your words ...juggle them around ...and they mean very different from what they actually did.

Wondering why even your non-sense words make sense to me. Guess , I understand the person who stands beyond the words. You probably do the same with me.

Whatz the point?!

I ll wait.

Wait for what? I dont have an answer.

Btw, was it you or was it me? Does it even matter ?

Damn ... I cant cry.

P.S: If you read this and dint understand what I meant ... that exactly is my point. I dont intend to be understood.

My photo blog :)

This is what I ve been upto the last couple of days...

My dark-room experiments.

yeah, I was putting together my photo blog.

Other things that I am into are some cooking and baking...culinary experiments to be exact.Had a flashing thought and suggestions of posting them here...on second-thoughts I decided no. Oh...and I did a wee-bit of painting fences too.

Thatz from me.

Drop in at my photo blog and share your comments.

I recycled :)

What was this ....

became this

Very primitive an effort and more so the outcome. Should work on the numbers...the temperatures , the melting point et all.

Intending to explore more possibilities. Any leads/suggestions welcome!!

If you believe you are vegetarian ...look again.

Feeling like a bundle of nerves for the past couple of days. Working with a number of unknown variables in life's equation. Scared/worried by small incidents , which should have no significance. Thatz me for now.

Saddened by the thought that I am not a vegetarian after ALL :(

Should have paid more attention to the ingredients and what they ACTUALLY meant !!

FYI : Cochineal extract in fruit juices come from a kind of bug.

Marshmallows are made using gelatin, which is mostly extracted from animal tissue.

Happy Independence Day!!

Beyond the further miles,
where the senate speaks or the Queen smiles,
or where they pride themselves of the war-loom they weave,
or where they mourn the unseen gold and silently grieve.
There are many a land so to speak ,
that hold their might or claim their weak,
all those lands , beyond and yonder.
None too close to where my heart resides,
none so real and bearing,
that I shall call my home.
The more I see beyond,
the more my love wells within.
My heart is where my home is.

Happy Independence Day!!!

Photos from Fringe

Fringe festival is on here from the 3rd till 25th of this month.And here are few snaps that captured the streetness of the festival...

A new scribble pad

I am a serious and cold self-critic. I easily get disappointed with myself.More-so in matters of life....being happy, accomplishing stuff, like that.

Now , I am terribly bored...of being so , playing by the rules, always in a hurry to get somewhere. I do have my hippy times ; But those are very fleeting!! A walk in the woods does not make me a free spirit.Hell , I come back to an imbrogglio of self-infested stupid thoughts.

I tell myself a thousand times over that life is not about achieving something, getting somewhere ...itz about living this moment , NOW!!! To laugh like crazy , love passionately, try new stuff ...explore and die giggling...thatz how i want my life to be.

As part of the re-vamping, I ve come up with new things I want to be doing.If they make sense to you , I am glad ...and if they dont ...I am gladder :)

-> Learn to leap frog .

This , I was inspired by my almost-daily walks , where I see the leap-frog poles, waiting for me to jump over.Long story cut short there.

-> Type 80 wpm (Current average : 42 wpm on www.typeracer.com )

-> Say "ABCD ...Z" reverse in less than 3.92 sec (well, thatz the time I took to say them straight)

-> Learn balloon sculpture and the ones they do with the puffin balloons as well.

I saw them at the Fringe festival and how happy they make the kids ?!!! ... and me as well:)

-> Learn Tiffany glass art ( tough one there!!)

-> Express anger if I must. But practise patience ( I am getting serious here...)

-> Peep into a stranger's book title and start reading that book. ( Numero Uno title : "The lost continent " - Bill Bryson ).

Oh , did I tell you , I am so fascinated by running-away. I wanted to do it, even as a kid. I dont know if I ll ever be strong enough to be a run-away.Or may be I ll give a call back home ...

Well, thats that for now.

Heading to bake something nasty or nice.

Chao from me :)

Run along now...go live your life.

You know what I mean ?!

I wish to call you by so many names,
but when I see you I simply smile.

My photographs of Scotland

Scotland is totally awesome and here are my toddler steps in capturing the beauty of this place.

Ocean Terminal, Edinburgh


Holyrood Palace , the Queen's official residence in Scotland


Daisies below Arthus' seat , Edinburgh

My long walk :)

Yesterday , I set out on my morning walk , which eventually turned out to be a day walk. Never knew I was such a walk freak :)



Well ...thatz just my onward route ... more walking happened there-after.

I love to be on my toes :-)

A losing battle...

If you are my enemy I can put up a tough fight.
But what do I do ...you break me from within?!

On life and love...

This is something that has made a profound impact on me :
"Sometimes the greatest journey in life is the distance between two people."

Mysterious are the ways of love. A glimpse of understanding of love , can add a whole lot of meaning to any dull, unkempt life. But for some, it has only been a distant dream.Wish dreams came to us , with the power to make them come true.

Speaking of power , i think of how powerless we are with the limitedness of our personalities.However far we get , with life or spatially , we finally succumb to the fact that we are what we are, beyond the people, places and things we subject ourselves to.We really cannot get further than what we actually are.

And there is this funny thing about life: Somethings happen just beyond where our understanding remains , leaving us with a lot of unanswered questions.Questions , we try to unlock , with the primitive tools that we hold.

One thing I believe is for certain : Life is vast, magnificient and way, way bigger than we can comprehend.So big that sometimes it is better to embrace it and live it rather than try to question or understand.

A snap-shot of me

It is easier to be kind to a stranger.Being unaware of the human vagaries is the key.Knowledge sometimes makes things complicated , decisioning more biased and emotions bleary.For now, suffering one such malady.People who know me well, know my feeble EQ, bitter temper, effervescent patience and the many things I run away from.To others I m simple, plain good.

Today is the kinda day that just is not quite right. One more whiff and I m bound to break.I am feeling like i felt in by-gone days ...wishing to curl-up and sleep, long and deep, until sleep washes away all my pain.Not that I m in immmense pain...just that I ve been safe from hurt for quite a while that it hurts like new.

There are always people whom I wish I dint know or places I was not there ...then.Every shoven thought, repressed view comes rushing back, like I hit the restore button.But that changing the past is not even an option, the best thing would be to gather the pieces and move on.What with the present? On that , I ll slumber for a while.I will wake up to a new dawn :)

Whatever ...

Life between 9.00 and 6.00 has never been this uninteresting. I am so wretchedly bored with the nothingness that I am blogging about it :)

Yeah ..yeah I hear you ...this is the best time to self-learn , focus on your goals, get ahead et all.Did you know that too much of anything can't be good for you ? 9 hours is too much time to kill!!

In the beginning it was fun, having lots of time at my disposal. But time now is weighing me down.These are the binding criteria:
-> I cant hit social networks.
-> Not third party emails ( I hardly get any mails related to work...)
-> Strictly no gaming
-> I overdid blog-hopping that the very thought of reading one more blog makes my stomach churn!!
-> Surfing the net has an almost similar effect on me as blog-hopping.

If you have any suggestions on sensibly expending time ....I am game :)

Latest gyaan revealed :
No one ever died of hard work ( Boredom kills).

Read this like it :
My life is a series of lessons I need,happening in perfect order.

A thought and an afterthought

Quite sometime back I thought that life was like walking on a tread-mill , treading so hard and not getting anywhere ahead.

Just over the weekend the thought came back to me again, about not getting anywhere with life, and I realised that the treading hard may not get me anywhere now , but I am getting stronger for sure...strong enough to trudge along , when my road takes me ahead.

A retrospective - tagged by PK (A real long time ago)

I shall not be doomed by the curse of the dead tag.I m sorry PK , I am awfully late with picking up the tag.Itz been a while that I got back to blogging and you see things at work are no longer the same.I ve work!! Well , then there is laziness ( I need a scribe!!).Nevertheless I ve tried to give my 10 cents and here they happen:

Family:

My family is where I ve drawn all my craziness from :) Glad that I am here and no where else.

Friends:

Friends have always been part of my survival kit.My list of best remains the same all through and the one guy who tops it from where we started , miss you dude.Friends apart, there are people whom I love,draw my inspiration from, admire or adulate so much ...that I cannot simply call them friends.They mean so much to me, no matter where they are...

My Love:

This post struck me most (of the little retrospective that I did). I ve grown to believe that love is a matter of hard-work and heart , rather than the heart itself.

Things I like:

Adventure sports , books , music , nature, conversations, long walks, beaches , long drives, nostalgia

Myself:

As I see myself , I am a hyper , simple , self-critical and thinking person. Small things make me happy and I rebound from mishaps soon.It is so tough to nail myself down to a more relaxed tempo.I am drawn to learn or try new things, going places, meeting new people ( well , what do I do about my waning spirit to make friends?) .There is a certian desperateness with which I live life, as if it would end tomorrow , and this puts myself under immense pressure. I m into self-talk mode to set myself right.

Recent plans and activities include:

Learning carnatic music
Trekking
Revived my daily yoga

You are tagged : Monu , Reetu, Kirthi *** A grin of satisfaction***

Everyday, a day of learning

Things I learnt today ( from 9.00 am to 1.00 pm, to be precise) :

-> Humility is the greatest of all virtues
-> Self-help is the best help
-> It takes a moment to spill a word and a life-time to digest it
-> Every cause has an effect
-> One's Conscience is undoubtedly the best judge and the most cruel nemesis

Thinking (wondering) what the rest of the day holds for me ...

Stuff that wont mean much to you if you dint know me

Phew ...thatz the longest ever title I came up with!!

One flickering opportunity to reconnect to my past and so many thoughts gush out from the dark crevices.

I dont remember quite well , but there were write-ups that I did under the title 'Seeds of Sunshine'.Should hunt them down once I m back home.Want to see how I thought then.

And then, there is an answer I forgot and this is the question thatz eating my brain : "What is the young-one of a deer called?" yeah..yeah I can google , but nothing is even close to when you get to hear from that special someone :)

Having been the meek lil' person I was ( way back in school :) ) , and sometimes I tend to be now , has cost me quite a lot.

I realise that most things in life go beyond our reach , not because we questioned them , but because we held our silence. How do I even account for all those questions I should have asked and never did? What do I do about the words that I left unspoken ?

They will all wash down into the soliloquy sink.They shall best be unspoken.

And ***** ( with the remotest possibility of you coming here), spell the magical word :) Itz a sitter for you :)

I know.I can hear you say , "Grow up Ramya " :)...and I m trying here !!!

A beautiful experience

On Jan 17th 2008 I held a new born in my hands for the first ever time in my life and I was in tears , the feeling was so overwhelming.

And today , I sang little Raeya to sleep :) and I simply cant believe what I did !!!

To reinstate my hopes about life, to get me past the grey days or the mundane life, to mellow the piling bitterness towards the not-so-pleasant things of life , to grant myself the gift of forgiveness, to believe in a new beginning, that there is no such thing as end of life , just a thought about these two would do :Babies and puppies.

I try to think of what in them draws this feeling out of me , and I have no answer...may be itz simply their being.If only my being could make so much sense...

Speaking my heart out...

Everyday is presenting me with an opportunity to learn ...whether at work , or with people, or if its simply being all by myself.And what I m learning was never even part of curriculum , thatz 20+ yrs of schooling ?!!! There can never be a greater school than life and no lesson as good as what life presents us with :-)With all honesty I say , the magnitude of life never ceases to amaze me.

Everyday I learn ...to hear, to speak, to remember , to smile, to listen,to ignore , to hope, to believe, to suspect, to hold my silence, to forgive, to hold my peace...so very many lessons. Some I learn , some I fear, some I forget , some I relearn , some I omit, some that come back and slam me down.

The more I realise what I learn , the more humble I feel.No, I dont feel small, I feel humble.I dont know if I m mixing up God with life. And to me there are just synonyms.

I have come to realise that the most important things in life are not the most obvious ones.Money is a mandate and I dont refute on that. But what makes life worthwhile is all the love that is there, the compassion you feel toward a fellow human , the pain felt when another soul is hurt or when your heart skips a beat for a stumbling child.

Last year has made me as strong and as empathetic.Funny , how I think about Matthew and Baskaran , the less prominent people I used to meet everyday. I wonder what is with their lives.I pray that they should be happy. I am anxious for a pregnant friend and think about how a dear one is doing at school and a friend whoz marriage prep is underway and another who has began hers at a far away city. I dont know why. I think of so many people...many of them whom I would ve spoken hardly few words.I know when I see them , I will have no words to speak and it will all be muted by a smile and a nod.

Coming back, I want to be more compassionate than strong. I ve come to realise that compassion is stronger than strength.I learnt it from a 75 year young lady...a very beautiful and compassionate lady.

For that, I am thankful to life.

A fresh start...

yeah ...I know...I ve been in a daze.Nevertheless the year is still new ...aint it?

Wish you a very happy and prosperous New year filled with lotsa love, light and laughter!!!

A clean, fresh start is always refreshing ...so full of promises and hope.An opportunity to reflect, correct, begin new.

Looking through the rear view at the year that just reeled by...these are my thoughts: Almost the entire year spent away from family and folks..the year was quite a learning experience.

Someone said : "Nothing to lose.Always to win" . Year 2007 took away from me, all that I had made and gave me all that I dint have. I am truly amazed at what I learnt...my capacity to love, to look beyond the looming differences, to understand and grow. On a personal front , this year, I met this face of mine, I had never ever met, not even in my dreams.

I have to thank my family , friends and folks I meet day-in and day-out, for the ways in which they made my life better ...the many things that they helped me learn...and survive.And ask forgiveness for the tough times I put them through.I did the way I did because I dint know a better way to do.I am learning here...forgive my mistakes.

Year 2007 has prepared me quite well for 2008.

For year 2008 , I ve these on my mind:
-> Learn new things ...
-> Look at life beyond work
-> To classify things I want and dont want.Remove the clutter.
-> To respond rather than react
-> To empathize with people before getting critical of them
-> To let go my defenses and be the warm person that I always had been

I want to remind myself that everyone lives to be happy or is striving to be happy.We are not very different from each other....so there is no need to fear people ...all that is needed is understanding.

This year, I choose to understand people.