Vini cries for Izzy

Sometime last week we lost our pet hamster Izzy .Vini was distraught and I just held her close and let her cry. Vini had been the primary care giver and had taken care of Izzy when she was small enough for her enclosure, starting with good morning , good byes and how-was-your-day kind of questions and sharing. Vini is Izzy's mommy.

It was quite an emotional time for all of us. Personally, I terribly miss Izzy. She used to keep me company when I am home alone or when I stay up to wrap my stuff on my laptop. For the little being that she was, Izzy brought much love into our lives.Every bite into a green apple and every late-nighter I pull, will remind me of Izzy. It is very difficult to walk into kitchen where I would no longer feel the furry scratch.

I wanted to blog this memory because I wanted to remind myself and the girls that no matter what your physical or intellectual stature is , you are so capable of loving and being a source of joy to your people.And the ability to cry for another fellow being , that, I feel is of utmost value. Along the way, we sometimes are so hurt and in our attempt to self-preserve, we forget the caring , loving person that we are so capable of being and tears hardly come by. To feel another's pain as one's own and to be able to cry for another being is something I want to nurture in myself and the girls.

When there is a situation to deal with , I put on my pragmatic cape and deal with it. I set aside any emotions and remind myself of how strong I am and then go ahead and deal with the situation.The emotions, that the situation stirred up within me, go repressed or take another form:sadness becomes anger and hurt becomes defiant.What could have been a 'I miss you terribly' becomes 'I don't care what happens' camouflage. I am learning to channelise them right.

There sure are situations where your love and emotional involvement into a relationship goes unnoticed or conveniently ignored. At times like those, I try to offer some lee-way that the person is not equipped to value the relationship. The value you bring to a relationship is never diminished by another's inability to see it.

As for me, I want to constantly remind myself and the girls to live a fulfilling life . If there is hurt and pain, retreat, nurse , heal and come back. There is no other way to live life but to love it ...with tears and all.

On people

I am not my strong, happy self...now.

Just as I am trying to pick my pieces together,I wanted to share this:

There are 2 ways to break a person..intentionally or otherwise:

1) Make life tough by direct expression and make their motive obvious to you.

2) Be with you , pamper you , splurge you with their service and soothing attitude, do everything for you and make you an invalid - like become your crutches, make you dependant and then withdraw.Then, you crumble and fall.

When you really love someone , give them wings or make winds if you can.If not , it is certainly possible to trust them , stand back , say a prayer and watch them soar. If they fumble ...dont get anxious...it is OK.They are only becoming stronger.Dont nestle them up...you could be draining their drive.

When you hold the spirit too close... you might actually crush it.

As for me , it is just a matter of time and thought. I will bounce back to my spirited self. Until then , notes of positivity will surely help :)

On being a stay-at-home mom ...

Not long ago (The day - May 11, 2010) I had a day job. Not the high-flying , big bucks kind but a good one where I went to write code , meet people and keep myself intellectually stimulated(?!!).Ofcourse it fed my sporadic retail pangs.

Being the list-maniac that I am ..I always have a list at hand..to-do , dream list , list of books to read , places to visit , menu to cook.At any point ..a list is imperative.

During my day-job-days I dreamt of things I would do if I were to stay-at-home...free time to spend at my own discretion.It is 8 months since I am a stay-at-home mommy and I review my list.I should say it looks pretty neat!!

*Read - Checked
Love reading books with LO.She reads hers and I read mine.Therez something really nice about reading real books ... warms my heart.

*Bake - Checked
I have always loved baking. I am no pro ..but absolutely love making cookies with chocolate chips for LO. She loves to play with them ..digging the chips out.If some gets into her mouth ..I call that bonus :)

*Unplanned outings - Checked
I like adventures and to me unplanned outings are the civilised kind.The book stores , the pool at the second floor , snail spotting and feeding ... lil cute ones.

*Lazy gazing- Checked
Our house here has a lovely view ...we are on the 12th floor and our unit is road-facing.When we are bored of readin , TV , crayons and just about anything that would keep us busy ...Lazy gazing is what we resort to.We can never have too much of it.We watch tiny people going about their day , cars , trucks, dogs, taxis, street cleaners, gas supply vans,security vans, loading, unloading, movers, children playing on the streets, the unpredictable showers, warm sunsets, starry skies.It feels good to be between heaven and earth.We get a good view of both:) The regular visits from pigeons only adds more fun.

*Fitness routine - Unchecked
I can actually mark this checked.Though I m not into yoga or workout kind ..running around LO ( accelerated with a bowl of food) would burn more cals for sure.

*Travel around - Unchecked
With the way a trip to the 2nd floor is adventure to me ...it is obvious that I am not game for long travels. This item has been put on hold owing to diaper bag and food packing restrictions.

The other unchecked items include dance classes, GMAT prep, language learning, professional certifications.Let them be.

I am enjoying now...every bit of it...filling my days with LO.I see her happiness when we cuddle, laugh, play, sing,read, learn new stuff, fight, watch TV, lazy gaze...just being together.I am living my dream here :)

I know that these are the best days of my life. When I eventually get back to my career ...these moments will make fond memories to cherish as I hustle through the day.

Life is always about choices...and for once I am so damn sure about mine.

And I learnt what is love...

Back when I was little, I was a pampered , loved child, with lotsa loving souls and great friends around.From there on I grew up into a bag of oddities...mostly a rebel.But one thing I ve never changed is about the whirl-pools of confusions I breed within.Funny , sometimes I think as if therez not going to be another day?!!!

Well, having had love all around , I entered my wed-lock with not much expectations, or may be quite critical of what more good the institution can bring forth? For me it was a social obligation.Nothing more.

Itz 2 years since that happened and now I look back and realize how much meaning the other person has brought into my so called "social obligation".And any credit to me on that front would be unfair.

All along , I thought marital Love is about smiles, hugs, roses, endearing words, long drives, candle-lit dinner, big dreams , professing, passion, romance , cuddling together for a movie, ...and I realise I m light years from reality.Those are reminiscent thoughts from an over-enthused teenager.

He taught me what love is:

Love is when in the first week of marriage I say , "May be I should have waited...", and he says," Take your time to think.I ll wait".

Love is when I fall sick and he tries to help and I scream "Leave me alone " ...he simply stands away, hiding his concern, trying to ease me back to sanity.

Love is when he says, " I m there for you", after a series of nerve-wrecks I ve put him through.

Love is about his wanting to see happiness in my face , no matter where /who the source is.

Love is about the many reminders he gives , despite my irrational and rude resistance , knowing I would need them.

Love is about listening to my incessant monologues , mostly consisting of bickerings, whimpers, fears, complaints , with frequent smudges of tears...all this thru the late hours , with all the loads of work to deal with the next day.

Love is about his telling, "I m feeling hungry..I gotto go", to let me get some sleep , when I was all about a drunken conversation...

Love is when he asks," Do you love me?" and I say,"Konjam".And he says "Thatz ok for now.We will make it 'more' someday".

Love is his patience when I go head-over-heels for a friend or my folk and absolute indifference when it is him.

Love is about his forgiving my bluntness in the name of frankness.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4

I v e learnt Love better with life...thanks to the decision I took 2 years ago...without a thought.

Habits die hard...nevertheless I ve decided to try..to break away from my oddities, mistakes,mixed-up thinking, irrational spurts of over-reactions...do a formatting of my disk.Its high-time I pitched in...after all , marriage is not a "social obligation" ;-)

Again, this might irk you ...but this is what I thought: "In a strange sense , my being a brat got me to this episode...which I would like to call , 'awakening '."
Me and my dirty, self-indulgent ego...how hard I try to justify?!!!

Writing all this with the earnest hope that he would not come here...unless I pestered him to...

And Madhu , if you are here ...dont ever tell me that!!! And, Thank you for loving me the way you love me...

Life needs more...

You dont have to ask a 'sorry' for me to forgive.
I am quite incapable of doing anything other than that.
Or may be I can forget.

You know, therez this funny thing about love:
Just as..when its someone you love, little things
can seem more special and simple words can mean a lot.
Little hurts ...ache so much ;
Faint fault-lines broaden the wedge.

You have more love than my heart can hold;
I am a colder person , a truth I dont deny.
I prefer a cold heart to breaking one.
May be you have your own questions.
Everyone has their own....questions and pain.

I am confused as ever ...But the pain,
it is sharp and clear.
I close my eyes and feel it throb.
And, I remember why I chose to keep away.
I ve not judged you to stop loving you.
Still , I ll remember my decision.

True...you dont have to explain yourself,
I know you much better than you can explain.
But I ve to tell you about the greater lesson that you taught:
Love is just not enough.
Life needs more.

Lessons for life

This one is on relationships ...things I learnt.Just thought I ll put these here that someone might
save a bit of their own sanity.

->If something came up too quick it will be too quick to go down as well.

->"Age appears to be best in four things -
old wood best to burn, old wine to drink,
old friends to trust, and old authors to read."
- Francis Bacon, 1624
Trust this man ...he sure is worldly-wise.Nothing like a friend whose been there through the years...

->If you ever have it in you to be protective of your loved ones...just let that go.Every living , thinking human is to be trusted with their own decisions.And it is perfectly ok to falter ...the lesson stays for long that way.

->Expressions of affection vary from person to person.Not speaking your language does not mean no loving thoughts.

->If you love someone speak it out.Many lives have been de-railed more by silence than by words.

->You know when you ve made a great relationship when you feel connected , secure feeling...but there just is no bondage.
You are free to be yourself..no strings attached.

-> Think beyond the bonding , possessive-ness , mad love.As much as I see these elements here are no doubt mushy-mushy , chO chweet things.But for love to thrive there needs a certain amount of sensibility.I ve outgrown my belief in the phrase
'madly in love'.If theres madness ...it aint love.

->When we like someone we have a natural tendency to be good....even if it means being unlike our-selves.If you are walking that way, itz time you told yourself a 'no'.What you ve been for ages you cannot change ...you cannot run away from the person that really is 'you'.One day the real 'you' is gonna blow up ...what you ve built.Rather be yourself.If someone is
with you , let that be because of who you are and not because of what you ve become of them.

->If someone says 'I would die for you' ...be cautious.A person who cannot value life would certainly be incapable of valuing relationships.And if you are one saying that , that thought needs serious reconsideration.

->If you are one whose looking at your relationship as plain and dull, yearning for adventure , remember those turbulent times you faced and how glad you were to be back home. A rock is plain hard reliable, not as much fun.You can choose the waves if you want , but you ought to make seas your home.

->If you thought someone made you cry , then they are not worth your tears.If someone was worth your tears , they would nt let you cry in the first place.

->Cry if you must , but move on.Life is too precious to be wasted in tears.

->If someone left you and left you wondering whatz the reason , I bet there should be no real reason worthwhile to know.Stop asking ,'Why me?'.It is probably their instinct that played havoc and now they missed you!

->If you think you are cranking up and being a pain to your loved ones, that is perfectly ok.You dont have to be good , understanding and a pleasure all the time.Let the guilt go...itz ok to crank up and your loved-ones would understand for sure.

->Letting go is probably the toughest lesson life gives.But once you master it, you ve it all.

->Never ever play the blame-game.No-one can ruin your life more than you.When your relationship or life is a wreck and you do a post-mortem , you will discover that it was simply you ...the choices you made.

->You just have one life , the best bet would be to fill it with as much love, light and laughter.

All that said , your life is what you live.Sure life comes with no guarantee , learning is on-the-job and change is inevitable.

But like I said before , if you had the option of being happy , why be anyway else :)

Love and a learning soul...

I ve borne you in my heart;
Seeing us long before you saw me.
No, I dint give any fervent prayers.
I simply dint think that would happen...and it did.
For the cherub you were, you made loving you so easy-
filling the vacuum eroding my soul...I thought you really did.
I wonder how with every rain the skies dont fade.
I wish many a thing were like the skies...no fade or change.
But what I ask for is not what I would really want.
You are not a plant I weed nor a word I give to the air.
It hurts to rip you off ... but not as much that I cannot bear.
I know staying is not an option...and you ll learn it very soon.
Every seed must see the day-light and bask in the moon.
Before your wings get too big for the nest,
I give you to the winds and I know I do the best.
Dont you worry,you are going to be just fine.
And ...I ve learnt the vacuum to fill,
the job,...itz mine...I ll look within.

A snap-shot of me...

The way I feel now ... and one of my favourite lines..



Taking advantage of me is one thing I simply cannot stand.People who know me and know me well... dont do that.Itz just the people who simply cross my way.That is even more disgusting!!

I bend ...I dont stoop.

A discussion to share

Therez this funny thing about humans( as much as I know), the more the prospects of not getting something, the more is the yearning for it . Be it a material , personal or emotional need, what we donot have we pine over all the more.If only we cherished all that we have life would be sooo much better ...is nt it?

That apart, I had a discussion with nn which I would like to share here ...on this blog:(ofcourse acceptance has been obtained from nn :-) ).

> Hi,
> are you conducting some psychological survey on women or wat?
> But still I choose to answer for two reasons:
> 1.I presume you are a guy whoz set out to understand the fairer lot.And I appreciate your effort.
> 2.May b it will my 2 cents to the women in your life.
> Here you go:
> What is Ur thought on what an average female wants out of a
> relationship? Complete possession ?
My response:
> I believe that
> every woman looks for a sense of belonging in any relationship.Shez
> wired that way.And ofcourse there is an element of possessiveness with
> every woman ...the reason being she puts in so much of her care and
> affection into the relationship that she values.
> What you ve nurtured you find it tough to let go ...right?

Do U feel that women have intimate stuff from past relationships inside their minds which probably do not get out even to the most understanding of partners ?
> My response:
> Letting out intimate stuff and have an understanding partner are two different things.A woman may have stuff from her past relationships on her mind.But may choose to leave them alone becoz they simply might not make sense anymore.
> A most understanding partner shud be ok with it.Is nt it?I believe once a woman loves someone ...itz tough (nearly impossible) to hate that person.What she does with the new relationship is she simply loves or tries to love someone more.What she
has ...she holds in the palm of her heart.

> What is the biggest expectancy in a woman,when she gets involved in a relationship ?
> My response:
> 'Commitment' is the word.

> Quoting nn@xyz.com:
Hi Rish,
> What is Ur thought on what an average female wants out of a
> relationship? Complete possession ? Do U feel that women have intimate stuff from past relationships inside their minds which probably do not get out even to the
most understanding of partners ? What is the biggest expectancy in a woman,when she gets involved in a relationship?
> Whoa... So many questions eh ? Let me see how many get their partners answers)... : )

> NN.

A smile and a tear

Therez this strange thing about relationships...the ones that go to be a memory , belonging to the past.Each one of them leaves behind moments to cherish or lessons for life.

No relationship really ends...a part of it we carry with us every day and onward,whether it is a familiar phrase instilled in us , a poem shared, a tiff over a bite of chocolate, the name-calling, that silly secret.I believe that this is the way it works.Else we would all be as open as when we started out and as unexposed to goodness or pain.

No, I dont say that with every awry relationship we shrink.It is just that we become a little more prudent about letting people or relationships influence us to the hitch.

I know getting hurt is inevitable, but to hang on to the pain or not is about personal choice.It is simply that I tell myself to give my best to the thing that is in front of me and then, when it is dusk, be happy for the day which gave me the mirth to bask in.A tough one I try to teach myself...but worth it.Life is more complete.

Sure life is beautiful...what else can give me a smile and a tear at the self-same spell of time :-)

Passing thoughts...

We are easy on us when it comes to being good or bad , the standards we set.We always have a mistaken notion that not doing bad is being good.On the contrary, doing good is being good.

On trusting and being trust-worthy,both are closely associated with how happy a person is.The more one is trusting and trust-worthy, the more happy he is.
Thinking in the same line, I somehow feel that it is ok to trust and be at loss than not to trust at-all.

Below is an SMS from a friend on trust.

"Trust should be like the feeling that a one year old baby has.
When you throw him in the air , he laughs.
Because he knows you will catch him."

I ve to teach myself that lesson over again.I know it is a tough one though.