A conversation with Mintu

I want to remember our conversation today.

Mommy : Mintu ...Love you Mintu.
Mintu: Mommy , but I dont love you.
Mommy: Thatz ok Mintu , you dont have to love me .

After the many experiences life has given me , I have come to understand that loving without getting judgemental is 'THE' thing. I will love  her through and through ... I know it is not easy (considering the number of tattoos she might sport , the nay-sayings , shoulder-shrugs, arguments , denials ).

What she is doing to me is amazing !!!! I never knew I had it my capacity to be the person I am.It is almost like shez unlocking new doors inside my heart ...leading me to places within me I never knew before. I feel so new ... and so different ...in a rather nice way. Love you Mintu for that!!!

I always want to remember that she is a choice I made and loving her is not a matter of choice.If she is making it difficult for me , I know where it comes from ;)

Note to Mintu: You know what Mintu , mommy loves you anyways. But you better be good!!!

 

Choices

So oft I have penned my thoughts  here on 'choices'.But it just does not seem enough.Or may be that I am thinking in circles.

That said , I have come up this cross-road so many times in life and I still have not got the hang of it. The questions remain: "To stand-out or belong?" ; "To stand-up or let go" ; "To work on an effort or move on with alternatives"; "To forgive the person or to forget the relationship ".

Here I am in a place warm and cozy ...quite stable where I can snuggle in the mirth of simple and comfort living.And in front of me is an unfamiliar path , which requires a lot of effort and energy, letting go, learning and scaling up and honestly speaking it might require more ..or may be less...I do not know..The rewards ...I am yet to figure that out!! It might be warm , it might be cold ..I do not know. But it sure would be an experience!!!

Looks like the explorer in me is showing some light there :) Sometimes I look at some people and admire at what fine , remarkable material they are made of. The kind of energy they bring along , the ways they stand-up, the ways they let go and the ways in which they seem to orchestrate life. One sure thing I understand is how hard the paddle and how beautfifully they glide.

So , that is that I guess.Life is all about experiences...I am always in for one.

A life to learn

My grand-ma went into a lasting slumber on June 7, 2012.

As much as I am missing her , I was thinking about the numerous lives she has touched.Hers was a humble beginning and she carried that humility all along.She was not all that educated, but I am yet to meet another woman so sure of her-self , strong and gentle.

 I seriously have a difficulty comprehending ...how can someone be so fragile and yet so strong , so innocent and yet so self-sure.

My grand-parents'  lives are lessons to me. I can never get there ...but I sure can make my life more sensible with the learning.

Of the many , the most important lesson I need is to learn to forgive. For me "forgiveness" is the toughest. Though I donot carry the bitterness or hatred around, I find it very difficult to let go of the hurt.It is almost like that hurt part of me is so hurt and numb with scar that it can never warm up from within.I simply cannot stop asking the question "why?".

I am just so thankful for all the times spent with my grand-parents...I have basked in their love and compassion , the words of wisdom ,heart-warming jestures,  had insightful conversations, good times and great memories.

They were a loving couple and with this togetherness , it will only get better.

My take on parenting

I have always been a sun-shine person....everyone who knows me knows that.(yeah yeah ...there are cloudy moments too...) But all along I am a happy person,  incapable of sulking for long and even as a kid I loved pups and babies. I took good care of my pups...loving them to pieces.So my less-evovled self came up with this theory: "If I can be so good with puppies and if every kid likes me, I would make a super-cool mom... fun and firm , one that my kid(s) would adore".

Years roll by and a little torando sweeps up all the trashy theories out of my life ....including the one above. My little girl , she ever so bluntly brushes away all signs of my intellectual capacities.

Long time ago I believed children are like clay and that the responsibility of moulding them lies with parents.Now I have come to believe that parents ought to be more of facilitators than doers.Kids...they have it all in them.

Everyday I ve a lot to unlearn ...out-dated thoughts to eliminate, realities of parenthood to accept and most of all embrace...willingly or otherwise... the changes she brings in me.She literally is shaping the mommy in me. Everyday I think hard ( google if required) to give her appropriate responses, to dissipate power-struggles and to entertain her satisfyingly.Never knew contemplating can be this exhausting ( that I feel my brain weary and parched).

Some days are tougher than the others...but with a glimpse of her sweet slumber everything makes sense. Parenting is the toughest thing ever...

Some thoughts and after-thoughts

Past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me.I donot remember my long-gone IT day-job being this demanding!! Being at home presents me with so many opportunities... to improve our home,to gladden the LO, to fill the void of my intellectual time-off and to do the things that can be brushed aside as "outcome-less"( if there is such a word..I am too lazy to look-up :)

I have been breeding desperation and anxiety ...for very many reasons.I really have to think it through.My desperation and anxiety are not going to take me anywhere.I have to calm down, write down the possibilities that can be worked-out and take action.What I need is a LIST!!!!I am so much in control when there is a list to go by.Do you feel the same? Does a list make you feel "clear-in-the-head"?

Well , I gotto go now...oh about the after-thoughts,looks like they will have to wait!!!!

On people

I am not my strong, happy self...now.

Just as I am trying to pick my pieces together,I wanted to share this:

There are 2 ways to break a person..intentionally or otherwise:

1) Make life tough by direct expression and make their motive obvious to you.

2) Be with you , pamper you , splurge you with their service and soothing attitude, do everything for you and make you an invalid - like become your crutches, make you dependant and then withdraw.Then, you crumble and fall.

When you really love someone , give them wings or make winds if you can.If not , it is certainly possible to trust them , stand back , say a prayer and watch them soar. If they fumble ...dont get anxious...it is OK.They are only becoming stronger.Dont nestle them up...you could be draining their drive.

When you hold the spirit too close... you might actually crush it.

As for me , it is just a matter of time and thought. I will bounce back to my spirited self. Until then , notes of positivity will surely help :)

Habits die hard

It irks me to know that after years of toil ...I continue to be the person I ve always been...the same bloody wanna-do-it-all , confused, mushy, scared existence.

Yeah...one thing has changed -I am struggling with spelling words here ...owe it to my literary dormancy.

Oh yeah ...another thing has changed as well - my ability to appreciate good things in life.It is majorly dysfunctional.Birthdays no longer excite me.Making a phone-call is perceived as pain.I dont even remember what would make me happy?!!!!No...I am not sad ...just plain bland..unperturbed by happiness.

Quite contradictory to what I said about being unperturbed...I wonder if my long-last friends would remember me.My present is a feeler of what it is to be dead...wiped from the memory of all who knew me.

One moment I wonder ,"What kinda person walks away from a dear soul so much to oblivion?!!" ...and then I realise that I have done just the same.Sometimes we choose not to interfere.Sometimes the choice chooses us.Either way the feeling of missing remains.Quite over-powering at times.

I donot look to elaborate reminiscence but to brief greetings ...may be a "I m fine" , " I am doing this...whatz with you?" kinda interactions.May be I m being silly...why do I even need those empty conversations.May be for ol' times sake?!!!

Point to self: "Please grow up."