A conversation with Mintu

I want to remember our conversation today.

Mommy : Mintu ...Love you Mintu.
Mintu: Mommy , but I dont love you.
Mommy: Thatz ok Mintu , you dont have to love me .

After the many experiences life has given me , I have come to understand that loving without getting judgemental is 'THE' thing. I will love  her through and through ... I know it is not easy (considering the number of tattoos she might sport , the nay-sayings , shoulder-shrugs, arguments , denials ).

What she is doing to me is amazing !!!! I never knew I had it my capacity to be the person I am.It is almost like shez unlocking new doors inside my heart ...leading me to places within me I never knew before. I feel so new ... and so different ...in a rather nice way. Love you Mintu for that!!!

I always want to remember that she is a choice I made and loving her is not a matter of choice.If she is making it difficult for me , I know where it comes from ;)

Note to Mintu: You know what Mintu , mommy loves you anyways. But you better be good!!!

 

Choices

So oft I have penned my thoughts  here on 'choices'.But it just does not seem enough.Or may be that I am thinking in circles.

That said , I have come up this cross-road so many times in life and I still have not got the hang of it. The questions remain: "To stand-out or belong?" ; "To stand-up or let go" ; "To work on an effort or move on with alternatives"; "To forgive the person or to forget the relationship ".

Here I am in a place warm and cozy ...quite stable where I can snuggle in the mirth of simple and comfort living.And in front of me is an unfamiliar path , which requires a lot of effort and energy, letting go, learning and scaling up and honestly speaking it might require more ..or may be less...I do not know..The rewards ...I am yet to figure that out!! It might be warm , it might be cold ..I do not know. But it sure would be an experience!!!

Looks like the explorer in me is showing some light there :) Sometimes I look at some people and admire at what fine , remarkable material they are made of. The kind of energy they bring along , the ways they stand-up, the ways they let go and the ways in which they seem to orchestrate life. One sure thing I understand is how hard the paddle and how beautfifully they glide.

So , that is that I guess.Life is all about experiences...I am always in for one.

A life to learn

My grand-ma went into a lasting slumber on June 7, 2012.

As much as I am missing her , I was thinking about the numerous lives she has touched.Hers was a humble beginning and she carried that humility all along.She was not all that educated, but I am yet to meet another woman so sure of her-self , strong and gentle.

 I seriously have a difficulty comprehending ...how can someone be so fragile and yet so strong , so innocent and yet so self-sure.

My grand-parents'  lives are lessons to me. I can never get there ...but I sure can make my life more sensible with the learning.

Of the many , the most important lesson I need is to learn to forgive. For me "forgiveness" is the toughest. Though I donot carry the bitterness or hatred around, I find it very difficult to let go of the hurt.It is almost like that hurt part of me is so hurt and numb with scar that it can never warm up from within.I simply cannot stop asking the question "why?".

I am just so thankful for all the times spent with my grand-parents...I have basked in their love and compassion , the words of wisdom ,heart-warming jestures,  had insightful conversations, good times and great memories.

They were a loving couple and with this togetherness , it will only get better.

My take on parenting

I have always been a sun-shine person....everyone who knows me knows that.(yeah yeah ...there are cloudy moments too...) But all along I am a happy person,  incapable of sulking for long and even as a kid I loved pups and babies. I took good care of my pups...loving them to pieces.So my less-evovled self came up with this theory: "If I can be so good with puppies and if every kid likes me, I would make a super-cool mom... fun and firm , one that my kid(s) would adore".

Years roll by and a little torando sweeps up all the trashy theories out of my life ....including the one above. My little girl , she ever so bluntly brushes away all signs of my intellectual capacities.

Long time ago I believed children are like clay and that the responsibility of moulding them lies with parents.Now I have come to believe that parents ought to be more of facilitators than doers.Kids...they have it all in them.

Everyday I ve a lot to unlearn ...out-dated thoughts to eliminate, realities of parenthood to accept and most of all embrace...willingly or otherwise... the changes she brings in me.She literally is shaping the mommy in me. Everyday I think hard ( google if required) to give her appropriate responses, to dissipate power-struggles and to entertain her satisfyingly.Never knew contemplating can be this exhausting ( that I feel my brain weary and parched).

Some days are tougher than the others...but with a glimpse of her sweet slumber everything makes sense. Parenting is the toughest thing ever...

Some thoughts and after-thoughts

Past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me.I donot remember my long-gone IT day-job being this demanding!! Being at home presents me with so many opportunities... to improve our home,to gladden the LO, to fill the void of my intellectual time-off and to do the things that can be brushed aside as "outcome-less"( if there is such a word..I am too lazy to look-up :)

I have been breeding desperation and anxiety ...for very many reasons.I really have to think it through.My desperation and anxiety are not going to take me anywhere.I have to calm down, write down the possibilities that can be worked-out and take action.What I need is a LIST!!!!I am so much in control when there is a list to go by.Do you feel the same? Does a list make you feel "clear-in-the-head"?

Well , I gotto go now...oh about the after-thoughts,looks like they will have to wait!!!!

On people

I am not my strong, happy self...now.

Just as I am trying to pick my pieces together,I wanted to share this:

There are 2 ways to break a person..intentionally or otherwise:

1) Make life tough by direct expression and make their motive obvious to you.

2) Be with you , pamper you , splurge you with their service and soothing attitude, do everything for you and make you an invalid - like become your crutches, make you dependant and then withdraw.Then, you crumble and fall.

When you really love someone , give them wings or make winds if you can.If not , it is certainly possible to trust them , stand back , say a prayer and watch them soar. If they fumble ...dont get anxious...it is OK.They are only becoming stronger.Dont nestle them up...you could be draining their drive.

When you hold the spirit too close... you might actually crush it.

As for me , it is just a matter of time and thought. I will bounce back to my spirited self. Until then , notes of positivity will surely help :)

Habits die hard

It irks me to know that after years of toil ...I continue to be the person I ve always been...the same bloody wanna-do-it-all , confused, mushy, scared existence.

Yeah...one thing has changed -I am struggling with spelling words here ...owe it to my literary dormancy.

Oh yeah ...another thing has changed as well - my ability to appreciate good things in life.It is majorly dysfunctional.Birthdays no longer excite me.Making a phone-call is perceived as pain.I dont even remember what would make me happy?!!!!No...I am not sad ...just plain bland..unperturbed by happiness.

Quite contradictory to what I said about being unperturbed...I wonder if my long-last friends would remember me.My present is a feeler of what it is to be dead...wiped from the memory of all who knew me.

One moment I wonder ,"What kinda person walks away from a dear soul so much to oblivion?!!" ...and then I realise that I have done just the same.Sometimes we choose not to interfere.Sometimes the choice chooses us.Either way the feeling of missing remains.Quite over-powering at times.

I donot look to elaborate reminiscence but to brief greetings ...may be a "I m fine" , " I am doing this...whatz with you?" kinda interactions.May be I m being silly...why do I even need those empty conversations.May be for ol' times sake?!!!

Point to self: "Please grow up."

Yet another new beginning

A quick back-ward glance on the year that went by :
*Quite a few relocations ... Chennai to KL, KL to PJ, PJ to Chennai and finally to our current pit-stop SIN.Being on the move is something I would always dunk into.So, no frown for that one.
*No major pain-points - for which I am humbly thankful.
*No major pinnacles - which requires serious introspection and action.

Well...thatz that.

For the first ever time, as long as I can remember , I slept through as the clock struck 12 on New year's day.

Am I becoming more grounded as a person or am I getting sucked up into mid-life crisis? Somethings are best un-analysed :)

Given yet another opportunity to begin..I ve some resolutions revived...to be more fit , to read a little more,to acquire new skills, to practice more patience and to be more loving and understanding.

Last year I put my career in the back-burner...well, then I turned it off as well. I do remember how I loved going to work not a long while ago.

Now that I have the choice to make a new beginning - I am looking out for work that would be refreshingly new, with lots of people-interaction and something I would look forward to everyday.

Hoping that the year ahead would be a year of prosperity, success, good-health and peace.

Wish you all a great year ahead!!!

Little explorer - part 1

My days are so filled with my LO that I can hardly think beyond her.

I m spending a lot of time engaging her and getting to learn soo much from her.

A few days ago my little explorer made a ingenious discovery ...that Ovals look like 'O':) She insisted that I record the place where she drew the inference from ...she wanted that photographed:)

Honestly..having come this far in life ..it has never hit me anytime that ovals come off 'O'!!!

It amazes me how those little brains think. As LO is getting bigger I m becoming all the more anxious.I donot want to intrude and mess up the ingenuity and curiousity that all kids come with.I totally am starting to believe that non-interference in their thought- process is the best thing to do for them.

And here goes the pic:

Yeah I know I did a lousy job with the clicking.But hey, with my subject on the run, thatz the only shot i could get.

well thatz it for now.

A day to remember

10 November 2011.

I want to remember this day ...for the many things I learnt ...but one reason tops it all.I want to remember it for the moment I had with my ailing grandma.

Sickness and grief teaches us more things than well-being and happiness can.More than teaching , it helps us clear the clutter , re-prioritise, understand and 'realise'.

I want to remember the realisations that I had today, the way my grandma made me feel.I was there to offer her comfort and she was the one comforting me and showering warmth.With her inner strength and abundant love, all things make sense.

I am just so glad I was with her at the hospital today.If not , it would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Choices that haunt

Some wishes just don't come true... like wishing you did not have certain people in your life, certain relationships you dint forge , certain pain one dint have to go through.

Agreed , life is full of experiences ...or like someone says pain is meant to make us strong...nature's law of over compensation.Why cant life be just party and no pain?

Life is great at other times.Just when I am left just to my thoughts that all those shoven thoughts crawl out from the crevices.Oh , and those people I wish I dint let go. Sometimes life makes me sanely insane ...and other times I do it effortlessly *****sigh******

Well, as it is always...I ve made my choices and I live with them.Looks like decision-making with urim thummim stones would have been safer.

Terribly missing that special someone...

A wisp of fresh air

I suffer from a serious case of indecisiveness.The reason being, there is so much that I want to do!!Well, though "Prioritising" is THE word I should be banking on, I ve a knack to complicate things just for the heck of it. yeah , yeah I know...it is one great big vicious circle that I get sucked in by choice and then, suddenly I forget why things have become haywire.Let me acknowledge that as a manufacturing defect and get back to my wisp of fresh air :)

Yeah ...for not so long a time ( slightly over a year to be approximate) , on and off, I ve been feeling scrunched up in a cocoon, like my existence did not amount to anything useful.Owe it to the dumb idea I picked up somewhere along the line , that having a career means living a purposeful life.I look at my fine piece of work toddling around and bang hit the flash of thought!!! Well, I am now "Enlightened"...well "ENLIGHTENED".Pray I dont lose sight of the light !!!

That said , what follows is a list of things I would be working on , that would help to crank up my not-so-active brain and make my days more meaningful.

-> Catch up with technology and news
-> Read
-> Revive my photography blog
-> Listen to more music
-> Blog more regularly
-> Get one art project for LO everyday
-> Revive my yoga routine

I read your mind, "How on earth does the list amount to more meaningful days?!!!"

Well , it does to me:)

Honestly , all along I ve felt like I ve been living in water , holding my breath.Gosh ,this wisp of fresh air feels so good...getting back to this blog and this fresh thinking that has set in. I just cannot have enough of it.

You have a great life too!!!

Treading the server side

After what feels like aeons , I hit www.theserverside.com and boy that felt so good!!!!

Not that I am a techie ,I just love to know the state of affairs in the tech world.So excited about all the new jargons that ve mustered up.So much to know...

My lil gurl turns 2 very soon and is growing up to be an independent missy.Funny, with her around but a lil afar , I am missing her like I m the toddler and she, the little big person :)

Please excuse if my post is all faltered in language , it has been quite a while since I ve laid my hands on any printed material.But looks like my days are in for a change.Keeping my fingers crossed that I might actually get to do some reading everyday.Crank up my brain bbox agtleast a wee-bit.

With hardly anyone who drops by at my blog, I feel like I am writing to a ghost reader.Nevertheless love the writing...if I may call so.

Not so up-dates

Sneaking into the net is a luxury these days ...and when I manage to type out a post I consider it bonanza :)

Lemme make it quick here...

For the first ever time in my life ...I planted a tree ( as in from scratch).This happened a few days ago.

LO has got a rapidly evolving vocabulary that I fear running out of appropriate books to read to her.She speaks words impromptu ...like 'mommy' and 'beach'. She rattles them so much I get tired of saying , "Yes Kannamma" . Makes me smile though.

Yesternight we were up at 3.00 working on the system , LO and me :) Took some snaps, recorded a brief movie , woke up daddy and then went back to bed feeling elated.Soemone was smiling through gritty teeth ***evil grin***

I hear SOS calls out the room. Time for me to wind up.

TTYL...See ya...

Living on hinges

I move around hinges, you hardly notice.
Sometimes the winds push me hard and I bang to a close.
There are days I get pushed hard so that I shut or shun.
And then the days when I am left wide-open to invite some sun.
Sometimes I feel cold within and cant help give out an occassionl creak.
Thank you for your back-ward glance , you could have pretended deaf.
I wish to be touched for reasons other than push or pull.
Don't even bother to spin excuses.
Yeah I know , not all wishes come true.
I feel like a furniture...or may be a door.

I almost forgot...Happy New year to you all!!!!

Wish you a happy and prosperous 2011 , filled with loads of love,light and laughter!!!!

*****Sigh*****

I am happy (or is it at peace?) for no reason ...and that worries me !!!

On being a stay-at-home mom ...

Not long ago (The day - May 11, 2010) I had a day job. Not the high-flying , big bucks kind but a good one where I went to write code , meet people and keep myself intellectually stimulated(?!!).Ofcourse it fed my sporadic retail pangs.

Being the list-maniac that I am ..I always have a list at hand..to-do , dream list , list of books to read , places to visit , menu to cook.At any point ..a list is imperative.

During my day-job-days I dreamt of things I would do if I were to stay-at-home...free time to spend at my own discretion.It is 8 months since I am a stay-at-home mommy and I review my list.I should say it looks pretty neat!!

*Read - Checked
Love reading books with LO.She reads hers and I read mine.Therez something really nice about reading real books ... warms my heart.

*Bake - Checked
I have always loved baking. I am no pro ..but absolutely love making cookies with chocolate chips for LO. She loves to play with them ..digging the chips out.If some gets into her mouth ..I call that bonus :)

*Unplanned outings - Checked
I like adventures and to me unplanned outings are the civilised kind.The book stores , the pool at the second floor , snail spotting and feeding ... lil cute ones.

*Lazy gazing- Checked
Our house here has a lovely view ...we are on the 12th floor and our unit is road-facing.When we are bored of readin , TV , crayons and just about anything that would keep us busy ...Lazy gazing is what we resort to.We can never have too much of it.We watch tiny people going about their day , cars , trucks, dogs, taxis, street cleaners, gas supply vans,security vans, loading, unloading, movers, children playing on the streets, the unpredictable showers, warm sunsets, starry skies.It feels good to be between heaven and earth.We get a good view of both:) The regular visits from pigeons only adds more fun.

*Fitness routine - Unchecked
I can actually mark this checked.Though I m not into yoga or workout kind ..running around LO ( accelerated with a bowl of food) would burn more cals for sure.

*Travel around - Unchecked
With the way a trip to the 2nd floor is adventure to me ...it is obvious that I am not game for long travels. This item has been put on hold owing to diaper bag and food packing restrictions.

The other unchecked items include dance classes, GMAT prep, language learning, professional certifications.Let them be.

I am enjoying now...every bit of it...filling my days with LO.I see her happiness when we cuddle, laugh, play, sing,read, learn new stuff, fight, watch TV, lazy gaze...just being together.I am living my dream here :)

I know that these are the best days of my life. When I eventually get back to my career ...these moments will make fond memories to cherish as I hustle through the day.

Life is always about choices...and for once I am so damn sure about mine.

I dont like it that way

I am so tempted to slander peole when they try so hard to play smart cookie.I dont like it when someone plays watch-dog or behaviour policing."Thank you for being judgemental, what you ve stated has safely been redirected to toxic trash".

I totally understand that if you are a rotten scum bag ...thatz because you ve been wired that way and I really have no qualms about it.But dont try to shove some muck on me...and no filth please.I dont like it...totally.

wow ...just as I type out this post I realise that what I started out as a narration has turned out to be first person addressing :) Looks like I am heading the slander therapy way!!!

Well,that said i think it will feel really really goooood to spew out whatz on our minds:)

Yet another realization I had is that being lazy does nt make me happy:)

Looking behind my shoulder

With another new year fast approaching I had a quick backward glance.The year has been a challenging one ...truly challenging ...translating to tremendous learning.I took a real bold decision , by which I ve surprised myself.I am just glad I m sticking with it.

No remarkable happenings ... not an eventful year either.

Nothing lost , nothing gained...quite an average year so to speak.

With another month to go ...I might be in for a twist.Thatz the best thing about life...the unpredictability ...the mystery...the surprise.

Even as I hear fears and uncertainitiesn hammmering inside my head , I feel grateful for the beautiful ways in which my life has been blessed.

Life sure is beautiful :)