A random thought

A long time ago,  a friend wrote this for me :

Thinking about it, the converse makes as much sense :

Dont say 'No' when you want to say 'Yes' 

Dum vivimus vivamus

Came across this very insightful  Latin phrase that means "While we live, let us live."  So very much in line with what has been my outlook of life since 2018 : Live much , love much.

Towards the end of the year 2017 , I made a conscious decision to live a very fulfilling , more alive life. As  part of the decision, I came up with some pointers to help me along the way. I am not sure how much of these would make sense, but I am sharing them nevertheless :)

1. Invest in health - eat well, sleep well, play well

2. Invest in yourself - Do the things you love , learn, read, listen to music

3. Remove any human toxicity. The litmus test to a relationship is how does the person make you feel when you close your eyes and think about her/him.

4. Connect with your friends from your younger days.They would seek nothing but your friendship

5. Travel as much

6. Start tying up loose ends when it comes to financial planning for posterity

7. Engage in meaningful conversations with the people who matter the most.There is no need to hold back anything.

8. Stop worrying about what other people would think.They have enough things to worry about than to think about you. 

P.S :  I  really haven't been in this space that often.

9. Teach the kids self-worth, respect for all living beings and to be happy. Everything else they will pick-up /figure out along the way. 

10. Smile as often as you can.

11. Forgive - yourself and others

12. Be a source of positivity. Always believe in the goodness and abundance of life.

13. Be brave enough to call-out a spade as a spade

Success in life, for me, is defined by the number of lives I have made better ... be it a smile, a kind word or a streak of hope.

Yet another quote that has been of immense inspiration :

"When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind."

 - Dr Wayne W. Dyer

I plan to make a big poster of this for our home.

This is something I am doing after a real long time ....carnatic music playing  in the background and I am blogging into the wee hours...loving it!!

Dum vivimus vivamus !!

I hate you ...

After a real long time and multitude of posts that were born and gone inside my head, this one is for keeping...

I hate you ...

I hate you for what you do to me.
I hate you for the pain of too much tenderness.
I hate you for the way I feel overwhelmed by a ripple, a drizzle or a feather.
I was just so content wading my feet in the shallows of life and you come along and push me into the gorges.
Now I am gulping and gasping ... so much joy and so much pain.
But this I tell you ...I hate you for making me feel alive,
just when I taught myself to sleep-walk through my days.

I walk around with a scarred heart and every scar I treasure
Each one a reminder of a hard time , a broken promise , a withered dream or a lost love,
a star I wear for surviving.
Now , the toughness of my scars is giving away and I seem to lay bare.
The fear of the ensuing pain has set my heart to a blur.
Do I have the energy to  muster up myself and put my pillows to dry?
I lay on bed trying to figure out if I am sleeping or awake.
Should I hurt or get hurt?
Should there be hurt at all?
I have no answer. I will bask in this moment that is.
Even as I shine my armour, I will let my blade to rust.
I will say a prayer that there may be no hurt ...no pain.
If there has to be pain, then let it be like the pain of waking up from a beautiful dream,
where the heart is the mirth of the dream and the mind is aware of what lies ahead.
You will always be fondly thought of ...but still...I hate you .

Coffee

You knocked on the door,
I opened my heart.
You walked right in
and sat down like you were no stranger.
Like you are not new to this,
Like you have done this many times over,
Like it was just meant to be.
I don't know the name of this place.
I don't know where this road leads to.
But, here, I am me and you are you.
No niceities, no courtesy.
While this lasts, we will share.
Coffee never felt this good...

Happy Valentine's Day

All it takes is loooove :)

For me to get back to my blog ... after the hundreds of blog posts I wrote inside my head, wide awake  through the nights, during my morning walks, as I spoon food to my little girl with the precision of a desperate gamer, as I whipped up my culinary experiments,  during my weekend cycling expeditions, as the wind blows on my face and as I fool myself dreaming the sun shines just for me , as I look out of my window into the not-so-far-away ocean thinking of my sailor ... err..captain friend that he would be sailing some far-away sea, as I cherish the quite time at work  when the second-last person has left for day and I am left to my thoughts, mostly nice ones ...about how beautiful my journey of life has been, friends, relationships that dont exactly fall into definitions, long-term acquaintances, short-term soul-mates, the broken ones, the friendships that have stood the test of time,distance and complacence, the thoughtfully terminated ones, the faded ones, the ones waiting for a redemption...whatever kind it was ...about how they have made my life richer , more beautiful and outrageously awesome,  I just did not want this blog post to be lost in the crevices of my grey matter.

I am happy that our paths crossed, that we sat down for a cuppa and a slice of cake, washed down countless masal vada with chai watching the rain fall, made friends with the pani poori guy for that extra one, shared good times, gave hugs, lent a ear, gave a push and sometimes a shove,  had conversations that ran into the night and well into the dawn, donned our silly hats, argued for the sake of arguing, how we agreed to disagree, the long drives, the break-downs, the long walks,  how you had to put up with all my drama ( ahem ...now, that I am a tad more mature, though not quite there) ,how we broke-up just to come back stronger or left it at that for it was the best way to be. Through and through I cherish them ... those were the moments I felt so alive and they still do make me feel the same. Thank you for being a part of my life's kaleidoscope ...consider yourself hugged. Love you loads ...no seriously!!

Wish you a Very Happy Valentine's Day !!! Let us do a dessert together ..perhaps a decandent piece of chocolate ...you at your place and me at mine , hold a toast to us and to love, to relish the warmth that love brings into our lives.

Wish you the best life has to offer ..Stay happy always!!

Just another Rambling ...

It has been years ... and coming back to blogging feels like visiting grandma's home: the familiar smells, the mirth of worn-out sofa, memories flooding ...mostly fond ones.

We are just back from our trip to India , a rather awesome trip ....a wedding, pilgrimage, catching up with friends , shopping like frenzy.

This post ensues a discussion with my friends from college, a rather brief one. One conversation was around why people blog ...and being a(n) (intermittent) blogger myself , I tried to explain it as a medium of expression. But I was not happy with my supposition. Looking for an answer, I came back to reading my older posts here.

As the tortoise coil swirled and I read one post after another, I had the eureka moment : I blog because it makes me happy.

I firmly believe that every person deserves to be happy. If something is legal, moral, does not make life difficult for another person  , makes you happy, then you definitely should do it. And that is exactly what I am doing ....churning out this post :)

A quick heads-up on my space ... life is busy in a rather nice way, mothering 2 beautiful girls: One a hyper-active toddler who is full of questions, who loves to defy any instruction given to her and a super naughty toddler with a sunny disposition, who firmly believes she is entitled to have everything she wants ... no exceptions whatsoever.

Work is work and on the personal front , I have not spent much time doing the things I wanted to do. I must make time and do a little more reading , writing, learning new stuff, sporting, a few new tricks. I cant seem to get enough !!!

I do not know the next time I will hit this space with a post ...but until then,like they say in Looney Tunes : "That's all folks !!"

It is that time of the year

Yes it is here : That time of the year when  the need to get somewhere sets in and is achingly strong. It is making me sleepless and it is making me blog :)

 I do have enough on my plate to keep myself busy. If the question is "Am I being efficient?", the answer sadly turns out to be a big , bold "NO!!!"

This feeling of wanting to get better feels good. I have an intuition that one day I am going to take this quite seriously and am gonna surprise myself :)

Well, that said , I have to confess this can be quite a fleeting thought . Once I have quite a sizable chunk of a work, meaningful or otherwise, I am more likely to be lost behind the pile. The need to be busy is so over-powering that it sub-plants the need to be efficient.

Have been doing a bit of introspection to find out that one thing that I am super-good at. Know what ...the only ever thing I could come up with is "Being a good self-critic!!!" I know I can do better than that!!! An honest review tells me I am being too self-critical.

So, I am revamping this exercise to be an extraspection(?!) - where I am gonna take inputs from my friends and well-wishers to know what is it I am good at that I can leverage on to get further.

If you know me well and you happen to read this , I need your ten cents. Do share that one thing that I am really really good at ...that surface that I can scratch to dig for my treasure.

Thanks in advance.

Oh ... about the long hiatus on  this blog...I have been writing way too many on my head. They simply did not get here :)

A quick update: She is one bubbly, adventurous toddler with way too many questions on her head and is all about exploring. Life in general is good and for that I am thankful :)

 

A conversation with Mintu

I want to remember our conversation today.

Mommy : Mintu ...Love you Mintu.
Mintu: Mommy , but I dont love you.
Mommy: Thatz ok Mintu , you dont have to love me .

After the many experiences life has given me , I have come to understand that loving without getting judgemental is 'THE' thing. I will love  her through and through ... I know it is not easy (considering the number of tattoos she might sport , the nay-sayings , shoulder-shrugs, arguments , denials ).

What she is doing to me is amazing !!!! I never knew I had it my capacity to be the person I am.It is almost like shez unlocking new doors inside my heart ...leading me to places within me I never knew before. I feel so new ... and so different ...in a rather nice way. Love you Mintu for that!!!

I always want to remember that she is a choice I made and loving her is not a matter of choice.If she is making it difficult for me , I know where it comes from ;)

Note to Mintu: You know what Mintu , mommy loves you anyways. But you better be good!!!

 

Choices

So oft I have penned my thoughts  here on 'choices'.But it just does not seem enough.Or may be that I am thinking in circles.

That said , I have come up this cross-road so many times in life and I still have not got the hang of it. The questions remain: "To stand-out or belong?" ; "To stand-up or let go" ; "To work on an effort or move on with alternatives"; "To forgive the person or to forget the relationship ".

Here I am in a place warm and cozy ...quite stable where I can snuggle in the mirth of simple and comfort living.And in front of me is an unfamiliar path , which requires a lot of effort and energy, letting go, learning and scaling up and honestly speaking it might require more ..or may be less...I do not know..The rewards ...I am yet to figure that out!! It might be warm , it might be cold ..I do not know. But it sure would be an experience!!!

Looks like the explorer in me is showing some light there :) Sometimes I look at some people and admire at what fine , remarkable material they are made of. The kind of energy they bring along , the ways they stand-up, the ways they let go and the ways in which they seem to orchestrate life. One sure thing I understand is how hard the paddle and how beautfifully they glide.

So , that is that I guess.Life is all about experiences...I am always in for one.

A life to learn

My grand-ma went into a lasting slumber on June 7, 2012.

As much as I am missing her , I was thinking about the numerous lives she has touched.Hers was a humble beginning and she carried that humility all along.She was not all that educated, but I am yet to meet another woman so sure of her-self , strong and gentle.

 I seriously have a difficulty comprehending ...how can someone be so fragile and yet so strong , so innocent and yet so self-sure.

My grand-parents'  lives are lessons to me. I can never get there ...but I sure can make my life more sensible with the learning.

Of the many , the most important lesson I need is to learn to forgive. For me "forgiveness" is the toughest. Though I donot carry the bitterness or hatred around, I find it very difficult to let go of the hurt.It is almost like that hurt part of me is so hurt and numb with scar that it can never warm up from within.I simply cannot stop asking the question "why?".

I am just so thankful for all the times spent with my grand-parents...I have basked in their love and compassion , the words of wisdom ,heart-warming jestures,  had insightful conversations, good times and great memories.

They were a loving couple and with this togetherness , it will only get better.

My take on parenting

I have always been a sun-shine person....everyone who knows me knows that.(yeah yeah ...there are cloudy moments too...) But all along I am a happy person,  incapable of sulking for long and even as a kid I loved pups and babies. I took good care of my pups...loving them to pieces.So my less-evovled self came up with this theory: "If I can be so good with puppies and if every kid likes me, I would make a super-cool mom... fun and firm , one that my kid(s) would adore".

Years roll by and a little torando sweeps up all the trashy theories out of my life ....including the one above. My little girl , she ever so bluntly brushes away all signs of my intellectual capacities.

Long time ago I believed children are like clay and that the responsibility of moulding them lies with parents.Now I have come to believe that parents ought to be more of facilitators than doers.Kids...they have it all in them.

Everyday I ve a lot to unlearn ...out-dated thoughts to eliminate, realities of parenthood to accept and most of all embrace...willingly or otherwise... the changes she brings in me.She literally is shaping the mommy in me. Everyday I think hard ( google if required) to give her appropriate responses, to dissipate power-struggles and to entertain her satisfyingly.Never knew contemplating can be this exhausting ( that I feel my brain weary and parched).

Some days are tougher than the others...but with a glimpse of her sweet slumber everything makes sense. Parenting is the toughest thing ever...

Some thoughts and after-thoughts

Past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me.I donot remember my long-gone IT day-job being this demanding!! Being at home presents me with so many opportunities... to improve our home,to gladden the LO, to fill the void of my intellectual time-off and to do the things that can be brushed aside as "outcome-less"( if there is such a word..I am too lazy to look-up :)

I have been breeding desperation and anxiety ...for very many reasons.I really have to think it through.My desperation and anxiety are not going to take me anywhere.I have to calm down, write down the possibilities that can be worked-out and take action.What I need is a LIST!!!!I am so much in control when there is a list to go by.Do you feel the same? Does a list make you feel "clear-in-the-head"?

Well , I gotto go now...oh about the after-thoughts,looks like they will have to wait!!!!

On people

I am not my strong, happy self...now.

Just as I am trying to pick my pieces together,I wanted to share this:

There are 2 ways to break a person..intentionally or otherwise:

1) Make life tough by direct expression and make their motive obvious to you.

2) Be with you , pamper you , splurge you with their service and soothing attitude, do everything for you and make you an invalid - like become your crutches, make you dependant and then withdraw.Then, you crumble and fall.

When you really love someone , give them wings or make winds if you can.If not , it is certainly possible to trust them , stand back , say a prayer and watch them soar. If they fumble ...dont get anxious...it is OK.They are only becoming stronger.Dont nestle them up...you could be draining their drive.

When you hold the spirit too close... you might actually crush it.

As for me , it is just a matter of time and thought. I will bounce back to my spirited self. Until then , notes of positivity will surely help :)

Habits die hard

It irks me to know that after years of toil ...I continue to be the person I ve always been...the same bloody wanna-do-it-all , confused, mushy, scared existence.

Yeah...one thing has changed -I am struggling with spelling words here ...owe it to my literary dormancy.

Oh yeah ...another thing has changed as well - my ability to appreciate good things in life.It is majorly dysfunctional.Birthdays no longer excite me.Making a phone-call is perceived as pain.I dont even remember what would make me happy?!!!!No...I am not sad ...just plain bland..unperturbed by happiness.

Quite contradictory to what I said about being unperturbed...I wonder if my long-last friends would remember me.My present is a feeler of what it is to be dead...wiped from the memory of all who knew me.

One moment I wonder ,"What kinda person walks away from a dear soul so much to oblivion?!!" ...and then I realise that I have done just the same.Sometimes we choose not to interfere.Sometimes the choice chooses us.Either way the feeling of missing remains.Quite over-powering at times.

I donot look to elaborate reminiscence but to brief greetings ...may be a "I m fine" , " I am doing this...whatz with you?" kinda interactions.May be I m being silly...why do I even need those empty conversations.May be for ol' times sake?!!!

Point to self: "Please grow up."

Yet another new beginning

A quick back-ward glance on the year that went by :
*Quite a few relocations ... Chennai to KL, KL to PJ, PJ to Chennai and finally to our current pit-stop SIN.Being on the move is something I would always dunk into.So, no frown for that one.
*No major pain-points - for which I am humbly thankful.
*No major pinnacles - which requires serious introspection and action.

Well...thatz that.

For the first ever time, as long as I can remember , I slept through as the clock struck 12 on New year's day.

Am I becoming more grounded as a person or am I getting sucked up into mid-life crisis? Somethings are best un-analysed :)

Given yet another opportunity to begin..I ve some resolutions revived...to be more fit , to read a little more,to acquire new skills, to practice more patience and to be more loving and understanding.

Last year I put my career in the back-burner...well, then I turned it off as well. I do remember how I loved going to work not a long while ago.

Now that I have the choice to make a new beginning - I am looking out for work that would be refreshingly new, with lots of people-interaction and something I would look forward to everyday.

Hoping that the year ahead would be a year of prosperity, success, good-health and peace.

Wish you all a great year ahead!!!

Little explorer - part 1

My days are so filled with my LO that I can hardly think beyond her.

I m spending a lot of time engaging her and getting to learn soo much from her.

A few days ago my little explorer made a ingenious discovery ...that Ovals look like 'O':) She insisted that I record the place where she drew the inference from ...she wanted that photographed:)

Honestly..having come this far in life ..it has never hit me anytime that ovals come off 'O'!!!

It amazes me how those little brains think. As LO is getting bigger I m becoming all the more anxious.I donot want to intrude and mess up the ingenuity and curiousity that all kids come with.I totally am starting to believe that non-interference in their thought- process is the best thing to do for them.

And here goes the pic:

Yeah I know I did a lousy job with the clicking.But hey, with my subject on the run, thatz the only shot i could get.

well thatz it for now.

A day to remember

10 November 2011.

I want to remember this day ...for the many things I learnt ...but one reason tops it all.I want to remember it for the moment I had with my ailing grandma.

Sickness and grief teaches us more things than well-being and happiness can.More than teaching , it helps us clear the clutter , re-prioritise, understand and 'realise'.

I want to remember the realisations that I had today, the way my grandma made me feel.I was there to offer her comfort and she was the one comforting me and showering warmth.With her inner strength and abundant love, all things make sense.

I am just so glad I was with her at the hospital today.If not , it would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Choices that haunt

Some wishes just don't come true... like wishing you did not have certain people in your life, certain relationships you dint forge , certain pain one dint have to go through.

Agreed , life is full of experiences ...or like someone says pain is meant to make us strong...nature's law of over compensation.Why cant life be just party and no pain?

Life is great at other times.Just when I am left just to my thoughts that all those shoven thoughts crawl out from the crevices.Oh , and those people I wish I dint let go. Sometimes life makes me sanely insane ...and other times I do it effortlessly *****sigh******

Well, as it is always...I ve made my choices and I live with them.Looks like decision-making with urim thummim stones would have been safer.

Terribly missing that special someone...

A wisp of fresh air

I suffer from a serious case of indecisiveness.The reason being, there is so much that I want to do!!Well, though "Prioritising" is THE word I should be banking on, I ve a knack to complicate things just for the heck of it. yeah , yeah I know...it is one great big vicious circle that I get sucked in by choice and then, suddenly I forget why things have become haywire.Let me acknowledge that as a manufacturing defect and get back to my wisp of fresh air :)

Yeah ...for not so long a time ( slightly over a year to be approximate) , on and off, I ve been feeling scrunched up in a cocoon, like my existence did not amount to anything useful.Owe it to the dumb idea I picked up somewhere along the line , that having a career means living a purposeful life.I look at my fine piece of work toddling around and bang hit the flash of thought!!! Well, I am now "Enlightened"...well "ENLIGHTENED".Pray I dont lose sight of the light !!!

That said , what follows is a list of things I would be working on , that would help to crank up my not-so-active brain and make my days more meaningful.

-> Catch up with technology and news
-> Read
-> Revive my photography blog
-> Listen to more music
-> Blog more regularly
-> Get one art project for LO everyday
-> Revive my yoga routine

I read your mind, "How on earth does the list amount to more meaningful days?!!!"

Well , it does to me:)

Honestly , all along I ve felt like I ve been living in water , holding my breath.Gosh ,this wisp of fresh air feels so good...getting back to this blog and this fresh thinking that has set in. I just cannot have enough of it.

You have a great life too!!!

Treading the server side

After what feels like aeons , I hit www.theserverside.com and boy that felt so good!!!!

Not that I am a techie ,I just love to know the state of affairs in the tech world.So excited about all the new jargons that ve mustered up.So much to know...

My lil gurl turns 2 very soon and is growing up to be an independent missy.Funny, with her around but a lil afar , I am missing her like I m the toddler and she, the little big person :)

Please excuse if my post is all faltered in language , it has been quite a while since I ve laid my hands on any printed material.But looks like my days are in for a change.Keeping my fingers crossed that I might actually get to do some reading everyday.Crank up my brain bbox agtleast a wee-bit.

With hardly anyone who drops by at my blog, I feel like I am writing to a ghost reader.Nevertheless love the writing...if I may call so.