The last couple of weeks I went on a journey, armed with my open mind and exploratory spirit looking for something. I did not get what I went looking for ... I got something else: A learning for life , a bag load of funny stories for posterity and a better understanding of people and myself. This post is more of a reminder for myself... of the weird places of I have been , the good laughs I have had !!!
Saturday, October 17, 2020
Thursday, September 24, 2020
Music lost a note today...
Music is a huge part of my life. Nothing else in my life has been so constant , so impactful and so omni-potent.
There is no moment or feeling that I cannot relate to music. Life, death and everything in between...I feel, has a musical under current. Love, friendships, parenting , reading, showers, sleep-overs, partying, loneliness, pain , make-outs, fall-outs, all-nighters , early mornings, work-outs, ponderings, wanderings, working, learning, yearning, praying, growing... music has been my constant companion. I love the way music makes me feel ...like I am never alone , that I am understood and that I am enough.
Today marks the lost of a musical treasure, a legend of a kind...a presence, as primal as a musical note. SPB Sir is no more ... I am terribly heart-broken. It hurts like hell . I remember a phase in life where I had a good 4 years of crying and still have n't been able to get over. I think the feeling of missing SPB Sir is something that I will never be able to get over...ever. Every song of his that I listen to now, even the joyous or romantic ones, evoke a sense of overwhelming grief.May be it is the initial impact. May be the reality and rawness of the passing-on will sink in and I will not feel so much grief or pain.
Will I ever dry out of tears ... I will know as time goes by. I will have to give myself some time. Grieve as much, let the heart feel hurt , give pain its due...and then, celebrate his music , be thankful for the abundance he has showered. His music is not his only giving... he has given me an understanding of how you can be impacting lives , all by doing just what you do. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude. His life is a true example of a life well-lived , a life of purpose. RIP SPB Sir ...I will love you always...
Tuesday, June 09, 2020
Fleeting
These are times where life is reduced to the bare essentials of surviving. But these are the self-same times that heighten our sensitivities and evoke deeper thinking. This is the one time when I have spent so much time in self-reflection ...to think on what I think and why I think the thoughts I think ...and feel the way I feel. I am putting my thoughts and feelings into boxes ...carefully analyzing them, understanding them and curating them . I have to do this or they will quickly grow into an overwhelming avalanche...mercilessly gobbling up everything in sight. This year has taken the word 'Fleeting' to a whole new level.
Below is a poem which pretty much reflects my current state of mind.
Fleeting
Everything around me seems to be fleeting.
Thoughts and feelings are definitely there.
They are roaring , raging , overwhelming , drowning.
I gasp for breath: air seems like water.
Another thought : How come I feel like I am drowning in air ?!!
This is a recurrent feeling these days , the gasping for life.
This is the biggest of all my boxes ... I have labelled it 'Handle it Care'
I have my favorite one , I have labelled it 'Use often'.
Inside it, I have my treasure stock of good feelings evoked by my accomplishments,
like getting out of bed to getting things done,
inspiring people with indomitable human spirits, my treasured people
and of course ...all things nature.
I have made friends with a birdie family.
We catch up at my kitchen window.
Oh , thought and feelings , that is where I started!!
What is fleeting is not just thoughts and feelings.
If fleeting moments and good-byes of the this year
are stacked up one atop another ,
I am sure it will reach infinity and beyond.
Those are not the only ones fleeting, life tops them all.
All different kinds of life ...black,white, brown,beige, green
yellow, grey, pink, blue.
Humanity is not just about humans.
Below is a poem which pretty much reflects my current state of mind.
Fleeting
Everything around me seems to be fleeting.
Thoughts and feelings are definitely there.
They are roaring , raging , overwhelming , drowning.
I gasp for breath: air seems like water.
Another thought : How come I feel like I am drowning in air ?!!
This is a recurrent feeling these days , the gasping for life.
This is the biggest of all my boxes ... I have labelled it 'Handle it Care'
I have my favorite one , I have labelled it 'Use often'.
Inside it, I have my treasure stock of good feelings evoked by my accomplishments,
like getting out of bed to getting things done,
inspiring people with indomitable human spirits, my treasured people
and of course ...all things nature.
I have made friends with a birdie family.
We catch up at my kitchen window.
Oh , thought and feelings , that is where I started!!
What is fleeting is not just thoughts and feelings.
If fleeting moments and good-byes of the this year
are stacked up one atop another ,
I am sure it will reach infinity and beyond.
Those are not the only ones fleeting, life tops them all.
All different kinds of life ...black,white, brown,beige, green
yellow, grey, pink, blue.
Humanity is not just about humans.
Friday, May 22, 2020
Connections
"With great power comes great responsibility" ...this is a close-to-heart phrase for me. Power or the lack of it largely steers the course of our lives and the lives of the people around us.
The space I find power profoundly impacting is parenting, and yesterday was such a day I felt power-less and lost for words. The kids have been coping up well , atleast, that is what I thought. That was until my 10 year old girl was bawling her eyes out about how she is tired of staying indoors, missing school, missing friends, missing her playground, her lunch-time at the cafeteria and missing the run to the school-bus.It was an anxiety attack, she was gasping for breath, and all I did was stayed calm and held her close. It was a long while after which she gained composure. I still know she is murky in her heart. It pains to see their childhood being ripped away by the complexities filling their lives. I am trying hard to make things better for them , without getting too easy on them.
These are challenging times and moments like these reveal the beauty of the human spirit...how, in the same space, thrives vulnerability and strength. I think they are two sides of beautifully embroidered human fabric, one side beautiful and another knotty, both one does not exist without the other.
Meaningful connections are what will help us tide these rough waves. If you are reading this, you probably are my friend. May be we talk now, may be we dont. Please know that I have not fallen out of our friendship. I am sure we had way more good times that we can ponder on and I am more than happy to chat up on our good ol' times, craziness, bickerings.If you need help, someone to reach out to...I am here.
I may have missed saying this to you in person, I never closed the door when you left.
The space I find power profoundly impacting is parenting, and yesterday was such a day I felt power-less and lost for words. The kids have been coping up well , atleast, that is what I thought. That was until my 10 year old girl was bawling her eyes out about how she is tired of staying indoors, missing school, missing friends, missing her playground, her lunch-time at the cafeteria and missing the run to the school-bus.It was an anxiety attack, she was gasping for breath, and all I did was stayed calm and held her close. It was a long while after which she gained composure. I still know she is murky in her heart. It pains to see their childhood being ripped away by the complexities filling their lives. I am trying hard to make things better for them , without getting too easy on them.
These are challenging times and moments like these reveal the beauty of the human spirit...how, in the same space, thrives vulnerability and strength. I think they are two sides of beautifully embroidered human fabric, one side beautiful and another knotty, both one does not exist without the other.
Meaningful connections are what will help us tide these rough waves. If you are reading this, you probably are my friend. May be we talk now, may be we dont. Please know that I have not fallen out of our friendship. I am sure we had way more good times that we can ponder on and I am more than happy to chat up on our good ol' times, craziness, bickerings.If you need help, someone to reach out to...I am here.
I may have missed saying this to you in person, I never closed the door when you left.
Saturday, May 09, 2020
A Time-capsule post
This blog post is more than a regular post , on a personal level, this is intended to be a time-capsule. This year 2020 has been very very eventful and we are into almost the 5th month of resticted movement due to the global Corona Virus Pandemic (COVID-19). My last ever foray into free-world working was on January 23rd, 2020 and there-after there was a very small impromptu Women's Day celebration I had with my bestie o March 7th. We bought ourselves 'Friends' tee for twinning. Now it looks like it will be a long time before we get to sport it.
A quick snap-shot of life as it is now. All of us are at home for months in a row.I have stopped going for my daily runs since January and the least exposure to fresh air is what I get from peaking out of my kitchen window. Grocery runs are meticulously planned and prepped for , with gloves , masks , sanitizers apart from the shopping list itself. Thankfully, there is a 24-hour store right across where we live and we do shopping either late in the night or in the dark hours of the day. That way we get to avoid the crowds and get work done quicker.
The kids are now doing online classes and being home-schooled, to which ever extent it has been possible. They are generaly being well-behaved and I am secretly happy and grateful. Positively engaging them includes bubble play, crafting, baking, clay modelling , painting , lego , board games, colouring, drawing, puzzles, cooking, cleaning, water balloons, dressing up. I am getting a little lax about engaging them digitally. When we simply are tired to entertain the kids, we resort to cartoons. I am coaching myself to feel less guilty about it.
Our meals have become very elaborate and I am into cooking and baking quite extensively. I think cooking and baking calms me down...just like sleep. I have been sleeping a lot as well and my best-friend says I should simply indulge myself because it is my body's way of coping up with stress. Then there are days when I cannot muster up the energy to do anything at all, and thatz when dadster steps up to the plate.The unwritten guideline is that we keep the show going. We are coping up fairly well.
We celebrated Vini's Bday amidst the lock-down. To keep up her cheer we tried putting together a video compilation for her , editing done by Mintu. Vini was happy. A lot of conversations with Vini these days, are around how many people died and what happens when people die. I feel sad that a 6-year old has to go through these thoughts.Vini wants to become a doctor so she can save people.
Mintu picked up a little bit of rappingover the last month. She is almost as tall as me and has grown-out of most of her dresses :) She seems to be quite a medley , one minute , worldly-wise dishing out communication strategy advice to me and in the next fifth minute rolling on the floor , tooth and nail with her sister , over the last choco-chip that is left . She is big-time into Harry Potter and so am I, for the second time over. Stephen Fry's narration of Harry Potter has been such a soul-saver. We listen to the audibles over and over again...immaterial of which chapter it is running. Another life-saver is my favourite music playing all the time. There are days when I drag myself to get work done and get back to my slumber. But gratitude is a constant theme...thankful to be safe and alive.
That pretty much sums up what is life at this point in time. The plan is to lie low, keep steadfast and get over this rough patch.
When this is all over, the new normal will be very very different from what is had been a few months ago. So much better in a lot of ways.
Oh , and ...Happy Mothers Day to every motherly soul out there !!
A quick snap-shot of life as it is now. All of us are at home for months in a row.I have stopped going for my daily runs since January and the least exposure to fresh air is what I get from peaking out of my kitchen window. Grocery runs are meticulously planned and prepped for , with gloves , masks , sanitizers apart from the shopping list itself. Thankfully, there is a 24-hour store right across where we live and we do shopping either late in the night or in the dark hours of the day. That way we get to avoid the crowds and get work done quicker.
The kids are now doing online classes and being home-schooled, to which ever extent it has been possible. They are generaly being well-behaved and I am secretly happy and grateful. Positively engaging them includes bubble play, crafting, baking, clay modelling , painting , lego , board games, colouring, drawing, puzzles, cooking, cleaning, water balloons, dressing up. I am getting a little lax about engaging them digitally. When we simply are tired to entertain the kids, we resort to cartoons. I am coaching myself to feel less guilty about it.
Our meals have become very elaborate and I am into cooking and baking quite extensively. I think cooking and baking calms me down...just like sleep. I have been sleeping a lot as well and my best-friend says I should simply indulge myself because it is my body's way of coping up with stress. Then there are days when I cannot muster up the energy to do anything at all, and thatz when dadster steps up to the plate.The unwritten guideline is that we keep the show going. We are coping up fairly well.
We celebrated Vini's Bday amidst the lock-down. To keep up her cheer we tried putting together a video compilation for her , editing done by Mintu. Vini was happy. A lot of conversations with Vini these days, are around how many people died and what happens when people die. I feel sad that a 6-year old has to go through these thoughts.Vini wants to become a doctor so she can save people.
Mintu picked up a little bit of rappingover the last month. She is almost as tall as me and has grown-out of most of her dresses :) She seems to be quite a medley , one minute , worldly-wise dishing out communication strategy advice to me and in the next fifth minute rolling on the floor , tooth and nail with her sister , over the last choco-chip that is left . She is big-time into Harry Potter and so am I, for the second time over. Stephen Fry's narration of Harry Potter has been such a soul-saver. We listen to the audibles over and over again...immaterial of which chapter it is running. Another life-saver is my favourite music playing all the time. There are days when I drag myself to get work done and get back to my slumber. But gratitude is a constant theme...thankful to be safe and alive.
That pretty much sums up what is life at this point in time. The plan is to lie low, keep steadfast and get over this rough patch.
When this is all over, the new normal will be very very different from what is had been a few months ago. So much better in a lot of ways.
Oh , and ...Happy Mothers Day to every motherly soul out there !!
Monday, February 24, 2020
The bird and the tree
Conversations have been the spine of my life. The need to talk, express, understand and to connect is primal for me. This is immaterial of the space I operate . Many a times, I have found myself gasping for some soulful conversations. They are also the way I clear my head and my heart- either for a brainstorm, bounce-board or an emotional windscreen wiper.
Around the same time last year, I had written a poem about coffee and this year, around the same time , Coffee is making a come-back.What a year it has been and the full circle it has come?!!
Though I come across a coffee aficionado, the truth is, I care more about the conversations.
Coffee never felt this good.
Conversations only made it better.
What a thought to share it while it lasts?!
Now our cups are empty and words run dry.
Is it you ? Is it me ? Why do I cry?
I can't seem to figure it.
Am I crying for you or because of you?
Why am I feeling sorry for you?
You seem to be thriving.
Why do I feel a void within you?
That you are lonely , that you need help.
Am I a pretend miracle-worker?
Am I delusional ?
Delusional seems more plausible.
You have declared, "No more coffee for me".
What about conversations?
Guess it is the same as coffee.
What did I expect?
There is nothing as forever.
You fly high .
I will search deeper.
The bird and the tree grow differently.
Around the same time last year, I had written a poem about coffee and this year, around the same time , Coffee is making a come-back.What a year it has been and the full circle it has come?!!
Though I come across a coffee aficionado, the truth is, I care more about the conversations.
Coffee never felt this good.
Conversations only made it better.
What a thought to share it while it lasts?!
Now our cups are empty and words run dry.
Is it you ? Is it me ? Why do I cry?
I can't seem to figure it.
Am I crying for you or because of you?
Why am I feeling sorry for you?
You seem to be thriving.
Why do I feel a void within you?
That you are lonely , that you need help.
Am I a pretend miracle-worker?
Am I delusional ?
Delusional seems more plausible.
You have declared, "No more coffee for me".
What about conversations?
Guess it is the same as coffee.
What did I expect?
There is nothing as forever.
You fly high .
I will search deeper.
The bird and the tree grow differently.
Monday, January 06, 2020
Happy New Year 2020!!
Feeling fantastic about stepping into another new decade!!
2019 was a relatively quite, uneventful (thankful for that!!), learning and growing year . Loved, laughed, cried and learnt a lot. Could have been better , but nevertheless no qualms about what has gone by.
For 2020, this is how I am chartering my year:
- More sleep
- More play
- More food
- More of my folks ( ahem...that includes you !!)
- More creativity
The list is based on an introspection of myself. These are the things that make me happy and I have decided to focus on what makes me happy. Well, if you thought I am self-centered,
I have my good reasons for that !! When I am happy, I am a better person , I am a lot more nicer and that makes me more tolerable :) Now, that definitely is something!!!
This year around I am going to turn the focus inwards, towards me, to understand how I think , feel, understand or perceive things and why I do them that way. I somehow have a strong feeling that it is going to lead me to a better place.
I will share updates from my journey as I chug along.
Wish you all a great start and a fabulous going!!
2019 was a relatively quite, uneventful (thankful for that!!), learning and growing year . Loved, laughed, cried and learnt a lot. Could have been better , but nevertheless no qualms about what has gone by.
For 2020, this is how I am chartering my year:
- More sleep
- More play
- More food
- More of my folks ( ahem...that includes you !!)
- More creativity
The list is based on an introspection of myself. These are the things that make me happy and I have decided to focus on what makes me happy. Well, if you thought I am self-centered,
I have my good reasons for that !! When I am happy, I am a better person , I am a lot more nicer and that makes me more tolerable :) Now, that definitely is something!!!
This year around I am going to turn the focus inwards, towards me, to understand how I think , feel, understand or perceive things and why I do them that way. I somehow have a strong feeling that it is going to lead me to a better place.
I will share updates from my journey as I chug along.
Wish you all a great start and a fabulous going!!
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