My busted exploration

 The last couple of weeks I went on a journey, armed with my open mind and exploratory spirit looking for something. I did not get what I went looking for ... I got something else: A learning for life , a bag load of funny stories for posterity and a better understanding of people and myself. This post is more of a reminder for myself... of the weird places of I have been , the good laughs I have had !!!

Music lost a note today...

Music is a huge part of my life. Nothing else in  my life has been so constant , so impactful and so omni-potent.

There is no moment or feeling that I cannot relate to music. Life, death and everything in between...I feel,  has a musical under current. Love, friendships, parenting , reading, showers, sleep-overs, partying, loneliness, pain , make-outs, fall-outs, all-nighters , early mornings, work-outs, ponderings, wanderings, working, learning, yearning, praying, growing... music has been my constant companion. I love the way music makes me feel ...like I am never alone , that I am understood and that I am enough.

Today marks the lost of a musical treasure, a legend of a kind...a presence, as primal as a musical note. SPB Sir is no more ...  I am terribly heart-broken. It hurts like hell . I remember a phase in life where I had a good 4 years of crying and still have n't been able to get over.  I think the feeling of missing SPB Sir is something that I will never be able to get over...ever. Every song  of his that I listen to now, even the joyous or romantic ones, evoke a sense of overwhelming grief.May be it is the initial impact. May be the reality and rawness of the passing-on will sink in and I will not feel so much grief or pain. 

Will I ever dry out of tears ... I will know as time goes by. I will have to give myself some time. Grieve as much,  let the heart feel hurt , give pain its due...and then, celebrate his music , be thankful for the abundance he has showered. His music is not his only giving... he has given me an understanding of how you can be impacting lives , all by doing just what you do. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude. His life is a true example of a life well-lived , a life of purpose. RIP SPB Sir ...I will love you always...

 

Fleeting

These are times where life is reduced to the bare essentials of surviving. But these are the self-same times that heighten our sensitivities and evoke deeper thinking. This is the one time when I have spent so much time in self-reflection ...to think on what I think and why I think the thoughts I think ...and feel the way I feel. I am putting my thoughts and feelings into boxes ...carefully analyzing them, understanding them and curating them . I have to do this or they will quickly grow into an overwhelming avalanche...mercilessly gobbling up everything in sight. This year has taken the word 'Fleeting' to a whole new level.

Below is a poem which pretty much reflects my current state of mind.

Fleeting
Everything around me seems to be fleeting.
Thoughts and feelings are definitely there.
They are roaring , raging , overwhelming , drowning.
I gasp for  breath: air seems like water.
Another thought : How come I feel like I am drowning in air ?!!
This is a recurrent feeling these days , the gasping for life.
This is the biggest of all my boxes ... I have labelled it 'Handle it Care'
I have my favorite one , I have labelled it 'Use often'.
Inside it, I have my treasure stock of good feelings evoked by my accomplishments,
like getting out of bed to getting things done,
inspiring people with indomitable human spirits, my treasured people
and of course ...all things nature.
I have made friends with a birdie family.
We catch up at my kitchen window.
Oh , thought and feelings , that is where I started!!
What is fleeting is not just thoughts and feelings.
If fleeting moments and good-byes of the this year
are stacked up one atop another ,
I am sure it will reach infinity and beyond.
Those are not the only ones fleeting, life tops them all.
All different kinds of life ...black,white, brown,beige, green
yellow, grey, pink, blue.
Humanity is not just about humans.

Connections

"With great power comes great responsibility" ...this is a close-to-heart phrase for me. Power or the lack of it largely steers the course of our lives and the lives of the people around us.

The space I find power profoundly impacting is parenting, and yesterday was such a day I felt power-less and lost for words. The kids have been coping up well , atleast, that is what I thought. That was until my 10 year old girl was bawling her eyes out about how she is tired of staying indoors,  missing school, missing friends, missing her playground, her lunch-time at the cafeteria and missing the run to the school-bus.It was an anxiety attack, she was gasping for breath,  and all I did was stayed calm and held her close. It was a long while after which she gained composure. I still know she is murky in her heart. It pains to see their childhood being ripped away by the complexities filling their lives. I am trying  hard to make things better for them , without getting too easy on them.

These are challenging times and moments like these reveal the beauty of the human spirit...how, in the same space, thrives vulnerability and strength. I think they are two sides of beautifully embroidered human fabric, one side beautiful and another knotty, both one does not exist without the  other.

Meaningful connections are what will help us tide these rough waves. If you are reading this, you probably are my friend. May be we talk now, may be we dont. Please know that I have not fallen out of our friendship. I am sure we had way more good times that we can ponder on and I am more than happy to chat up on our good ol' times, craziness, bickerings.If you need help, someone to reach out to...I am here.

I may have missed saying this to you in person, I never closed the door when you left. 

A Time-capsule post

This blog post is more than a regular post , on a personal level, this is intended to be a time-capsule. This year 2020 has been very very eventful and we are into almost the 5th month of resticted movement due to the global Corona Virus Pandemic (COVID-19). My last ever foray into free-world working was on January 23rd, 2020 and there-after there was a very small impromptu Women's Day celebration I had with my bestie o March 7th. We bought ourselves 'Friends' tee for twinning. Now it looks like it will be a long time before we get to sport it.

A quick snap-shot of life as it is now. All of us are at home for months in a row.I have stopped going for my daily runs since January and the least exposure to fresh air is what I get from peaking out of my kitchen window. Grocery runs are meticulously planned and prepped for , with gloves , masks , sanitizers apart from the shopping list itself. Thankfully, there is a 24-hour store right across where we live and we do shopping either late in the night or in the dark hours of the day. That way we get to avoid the crowds and get work done quicker.

The kids are now doing online classes and being home-schooled, to which ever extent it has been possible. They are generaly being well-behaved and I am secretly happy and grateful.  Positively engaging them includes bubble play, crafting, baking, clay modelling , painting , lego , board games, colouring, drawing, puzzles, cooking, cleaning, water balloons, dressing up. I am getting a little lax about engaging them digitally. When we simply are tired to entertain the kids, we resort to cartoons. I am coaching myself to feel less guilty about it.

 Our meals have become very elaborate and I am into cooking and baking quite extensively. I think cooking and baking  calms me down...just like sleep. I have been sleeping a lot as well and my best-friend says I should simply indulge myself because it is my body's way of coping up with stress. Then there are days when I cannot muster up the energy to do anything at all, and thatz when dadster steps up to the plate.The unwritten guideline is that we keep the show going. We are coping up fairly well.

We celebrated Vini's Bday amidst the lock-down. To keep up her cheer  we tried putting together a video compilation for her , editing done by Mintu. Vini was happy. A lot of conversations with Vini these days, are around how many people died and what happens when people die. I feel sad that a 6-year old has to go through these thoughts.Vini wants to become a doctor so she can save people.

Mintu picked up a little bit of rappingover the last month. She is almost as tall as me and has grown-out of most of her dresses :) She seems to be quite a medley , one minute , worldly-wise dishing out communication strategy advice to me and in the next fifth minute rolling on the floor , tooth and nail with her sister , over the last choco-chip that is left . She is big-time into Harry Potter and so am I, for the second time over. Stephen Fry's narration of Harry Potter has been such a soul-saver. We listen to the audibles over and over again...immaterial of which chapter it is running. Another life-saver is my favourite music playing all the time. There are days when I drag myself to get work done and get back to my slumber. But gratitude is a constant theme...thankful to be safe and alive.

That pretty much sums up what is life at this point in time. The plan is to lie low, keep steadfast and get over this rough patch.

When this is all over, the new normal will be very very different from what is had been a few months ago. So much better in a lot of ways.

Oh , and ...Happy Mothers Day  to every motherly soul out there !! 

The bird and the tree

Conversations have been the spine of my life. The need to talk, express, understand and to connect is primal for me. This is immaterial of the space I operate . Many a times, I have found myself gasping for some soulful conversations. They are also the way I clear my head and my heart- either for a brainstorm, bounce-board or an emotional windscreen wiper.

Around the  same time last year, I had written a poem about coffee and this year, around the same time , Coffee is making a come-back.What a year it has been and the full circle it has come?!!

Though I come across a coffee aficionado, the truth is, I care more about the conversations.

Coffee never felt this good.
Conversations only made it better.
What a thought to share it while it lasts?!
Now our cups are empty and words run dry.
Is it you ? Is it me ? Why do I cry?
I can't seem to figure it.
Am I crying for you or because of you?
Why am I feeling sorry for you?
You seem to be thriving.
Why do I feel a void within you?
That you are lonely , that you need help.
Am I a pretend miracle-worker?
Am I delusional ?
Delusional seems more plausible.
You have declared, "No more coffee for me".
What about conversations?
Guess it is the same as coffee.
What did I expect?
There is nothing as forever.
You fly high .
I will search deeper.
The bird and the tree grow differently.

Happy New Year 2020!!

Feeling fantastic about stepping into another new decade!!

2019 was a relatively quite, uneventful (thankful for that!!), learning and growing year . Loved, laughed, cried and learnt a lot. Could have been better , but nevertheless no qualms about what has gone by.

For 2020, this is how I am chartering my year:
- More sleep
- More play
- More food
- More of my folks ( ahem...that includes you !!)
- More creativity

The list is based on an introspection of myself. These are the things that make me happy and I have decided to focus on what makes me happy. Well, if you thought I am self-centered,
I have my good reasons for that !! When I am happy, I am a better person , I am a lot more nicer and that makes me more tolerable :) Now, that definitely is something!!!

This year around I am going to turn the focus inwards, towards me, to understand how I think , feel, understand or perceive things and why I do them that way. I somehow have a strong feeling that it is going to lead me to a better place.

I will share updates from my journey as I chug along.

Wish you all a great start and a fabulous going!!

My Little Leader

I dread year-ends , guess it is the festivities and holiday season that brings out the melancholy in me. So, I generally try to validate what I feel,  try and be extra nice to me with more chocolates and hot chocolates. The idea to keep my spirits buoyant. 

Another such effort is to spend as much time , outdoors,  with the kids.One such trip was to Jurong Lake Garden , where we spent a good part of the day, before winding up with a BFF catch-up.

While the park, where there are play-zones themes based on animals, Vini was doing her rounds at the snake slides. Mintu and myself were chatting up. We heard some loud noises and I went over . Turns out, a kid was at the top of the slide and too scared to slide down. The mum , dad and grand-dad were trying to talk the kid to slide down. 

Just then Vini came down the slide. I briefed her that the kid up there is too scared , just talk to the kid and help the kid's way down. My little one clambered up the ladder again and in the next few minutes both the kids were down. I actually had expected the whole thing to take longer.

I gave Vini a fist bump wiggles and asked her what she spoke to the kid. My own thoughts were along the lines of calming the kid and coaching her to be brave and stuff. Vini replied as a matter of fact , I asked the kid , "Do you want to go down the slide ? I will come right behind you." and she slid down. Yet another time I was stumped by how simplicity works.

Somehow I felt the coaching style talks are just to feel good about ourselves  , how we are better :p 

I realised one does not have to give NBA coach talks to help people overcome a situation or accomplish something. Helping them believe in the possibilities and assuring that you are having them covered is enough.

Vini cries for Izzy

Sometime last week we lost our pet hamster Izzy .Vini was distraught and I just held her close and let her cry. Vini had been the primary care giver and had taken care of Izzy when she was small enough for her enclosure, starting with good morning , good byes and how-was-your-day kind of questions and sharing. Vini is Izzy's mommy.

It was quite an emotional time for all of us. Personally, I terribly miss Izzy. She used to keep me company when I am home alone or when I stay up to wrap my stuff on my laptop. For the little being that she was, Izzy brought much love into our lives.Every bite into a green apple and every late-nighter I pull, will remind me of Izzy. It is very difficult to walk into kitchen where I would no longer feel the furry scratch.

I wanted to blog this memory because I wanted to remind myself and the girls that no matter what your physical or intellectual stature is , you are so capable of loving and being a source of joy to your people.And the ability to cry for another fellow being , that, I feel is of utmost value. Along the way, we sometimes are so hurt and in our attempt to self-preserve, we forget the caring , loving person that we are so capable of being and tears hardly come by. To feel another's pain as one's own and to be able to cry for another being is something I want to nurture in myself and the girls.

When there is a situation to deal with , I put on my pragmatic cape and deal with it. I set aside any emotions and remind myself of how strong I am and then go ahead and deal with the situation.The emotions, that the situation stirred up within me, go repressed or take another form:sadness becomes anger and hurt becomes defiant.What could have been a 'I miss you terribly' becomes 'I don't care what happens' camouflage. I am learning to channelise them right.

There sure are situations where your love and emotional involvement into a relationship goes unnoticed or conveniently ignored. At times like those, I try to offer some lee-way that the person is not equipped to value the relationship. The value you bring to a relationship is never diminished by another's inability to see it.

As for me, I want to constantly remind myself and the girls to live a fulfilling life . If there is hurt and pain, retreat, nurse , heal and come back. There is no other way to live life but to love it ...with tears and all.

To my younger daughter, who is so full of love, every single day

When all good intentions are not very helpful,
when all your love and kindness goes in vain,
when good times are only bad memories
and what remains is nothing but pain,
when walking alone feels so much better,
even as you hide your tears in the rain,
I want you to just remember :
Though the whole world turns you away,
you will always be my super-hero.
Your love is your super-power
and its amazing how you win without someone losing,
the way you heal hearts' bruises and pain.
Baby, no matter what the world tells you,
no matter how gloomy and blue,
Mend your cape and fly high,
higher than  where your dreams can take you.
A million times and a million over,
I wanna tell you a gazillion times over again:
Baby, you truly should remember:
Baby, you are enough!!

A random thought

A long time ago,  a friend wrote this for me :

Thinking about it, the converse makes as much sense :

Dont say 'No' when you want to say 'Yes' 

Dum vivimus vivamus

Came across this very insightful  Latin phrase that means "While we live, let us live."  So very much in line with what has been my outlook of life since 2018 : Live much , love much.

Towards the end of the year 2017 , I made a conscious decision to live a very fulfilling , more alive life. As  part of the decision, I came up with some pointers to help me along the way. I am not sure how much of these would make sense, but I am sharing them nevertheless :)

1. Invest in health - eat well, sleep well, play well

2. Invest in yourself - Do the things you love , learn, read, listen to music

3. Remove any human toxicity. The litmus test to a relationship is how does the person make you feel when you close your eyes and think about her/him.

4. Connect with your friends from your younger days.They would seek nothing but your friendship

5. Travel as much

6. Start tying up loose ends when it comes to financial planning for posterity

7. Engage in meaningful conversations with the people who matter the most.There is no need to hold back anything.

8. Stop worrying about what other people would think.They have enough things to worry about than to think about you. 

P.S :  I  really haven't been in this space that often.

9. Teach the kids self-worth, respect for all living beings and to be happy. Everything else they will pick-up /figure out along the way. 

10. Smile as often as you can.

11. Forgive - yourself and others

12. Be a source of positivity. Always believe in the goodness and abundance of life.

13. Be brave enough to call-out a spade as a spade

Success in life, for me, is defined by the number of lives I have made better ... be it a smile, a kind word or a streak of hope.

Yet another quote that has been of immense inspiration :

"When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind."

 - Dr Wayne W. Dyer

I plan to make a big poster of this for our home.

This is something I am doing after a real long time ....carnatic music playing  in the background and I am blogging into the wee hours...loving it!!

Dum vivimus vivamus !!

I hate you ...

After a real long time and multitude of posts that were born and gone inside my head, this one is for keeping...

I hate you ...

I hate you for what you do to me.
I hate you for the pain of too much tenderness.
I hate you for the way I feel overwhelmed by a ripple, a drizzle or a feather.
I was just so content wading my feet in the shallows of life and you come along and push me into the gorges.
Now I am gulping and gasping ... so much joy and so much pain.
But this I tell you ...I hate you for making me feel alive,
just when I taught myself to sleep-walk through my days.

I walk around with a scarred heart and every scar I treasure
Each one a reminder of a hard time , a broken promise , a withered dream or a lost love,
a star I wear for surviving.
Now , the toughness of my scars is giving away and I seem to lay bare.
The fear of the ensuing pain has set my heart to a blur.
Do I have the energy to  muster up myself and put my pillows to dry?
I lay on bed trying to figure out if I am sleeping or awake.
Should I hurt or get hurt?
Should there be hurt at all?
I have no answer. I will bask in this moment that is.
Even as I shine my armour, I will let my blade to rust.
I will say a prayer that there may be no hurt ...no pain.
If there has to be pain, then let it be like the pain of waking up from a beautiful dream,
where the heart is the mirth of the dream and the mind is aware of what lies ahead.
You will always be fondly thought of ...but still...I hate you .

Coffee

You knocked on the door,
I opened my heart.
You walked right in
and sat down like you were no stranger.
Like you are not new to this,
Like you have done this many times over,
Like it was just meant to be.
I don't know the name of this place.
I don't know where this road leads to.
But, here, I am me and you are you.
No niceities, no courtesy.
While this lasts, we will share.
Coffee never felt this good...

Happy Valentine's Day

All it takes is loooove :)

For me to get back to my blog ... after the hundreds of blog posts I wrote inside my head, wide awake  through the nights, during my morning walks, as I spoon food to my little girl with the precision of a desperate gamer, as I whipped up my culinary experiments,  during my weekend cycling expeditions, as the wind blows on my face and as I fool myself dreaming the sun shines just for me , as I look out of my window into the not-so-far-away ocean thinking of my sailor ... err..captain friend that he would be sailing some far-away sea, as I cherish the quite time at work  when the second-last person has left for day and I am left to my thoughts, mostly nice ones ...about how beautiful my journey of life has been, friends, relationships that dont exactly fall into definitions, long-term acquaintances, short-term soul-mates, the broken ones, the friendships that have stood the test of time,distance and complacence, the thoughtfully terminated ones, the faded ones, the ones waiting for a redemption...whatever kind it was ...about how they have made my life richer , more beautiful and outrageously awesome,  I just did not want this blog post to be lost in the crevices of my grey matter.

I am happy that our paths crossed, that we sat down for a cuppa and a slice of cake, washed down countless masal vada with chai watching the rain fall, made friends with the pani poori guy for that extra one, shared good times, gave hugs, lent a ear, gave a push and sometimes a shove,  had conversations that ran into the night and well into the dawn, donned our silly hats, argued for the sake of arguing, how we agreed to disagree, the long drives, the break-downs, the long walks,  how you had to put up with all my drama ( ahem ...now, that I am a tad more mature, though not quite there) ,how we broke-up just to come back stronger or left it at that for it was the best way to be. Through and through I cherish them ... those were the moments I felt so alive and they still do make me feel the same. Thank you for being a part of my life's kaleidoscope ...consider yourself hugged. Love you loads ...no seriously!!

Wish you a Very Happy Valentine's Day !!! Let us do a dessert together ..perhaps a decandent piece of chocolate ...you at your place and me at mine , hold a toast to us and to love, to relish the warmth that love brings into our lives.

Wish you the best life has to offer ..Stay happy always!!

Just another Rambling ...

It has been years ... and coming back to blogging feels like visiting grandma's home: the familiar smells, the mirth of worn-out sofa, memories flooding ...mostly fond ones.

We are just back from our trip to India , a rather awesome trip ....a wedding, pilgrimage, catching up with friends , shopping like frenzy.

This post ensues a discussion with my friends from college, a rather brief one. One conversation was around why people blog ...and being a(n) (intermittent) blogger myself , I tried to explain it as a medium of expression. But I was not happy with my supposition. Looking for an answer, I came back to reading my older posts here.

As the tortoise coil swirled and I read one post after another, I had the eureka moment : I blog because it makes me happy.

I firmly believe that every person deserves to be happy. If something is legal, moral, does not make life difficult for another person  , makes you happy, then you definitely should do it. And that is exactly what I am doing ....churning out this post :)

A quick heads-up on my space ... life is busy in a rather nice way, mothering 2 beautiful girls: One a hyper-active toddler who is full of questions, who loves to defy any instruction given to her and a super naughty toddler with a sunny disposition, who firmly believes she is entitled to have everything she wants ... no exceptions whatsoever.

Work is work and on the personal front , I have not spent much time doing the things I wanted to do. I must make time and do a little more reading , writing, learning new stuff, sporting, a few new tricks. I cant seem to get enough !!!

I do not know the next time I will hit this space with a post ...but until then,like they say in Looney Tunes : "That's all folks !!"

It is that time of the year

Yes it is here : That time of the year when  the need to get somewhere sets in and is achingly strong. It is making me sleepless and it is making me blog :)

 I do have enough on my plate to keep myself busy. If the question is "Am I being efficient?", the answer sadly turns out to be a big , bold "NO!!!"

This feeling of wanting to get better feels good. I have an intuition that one day I am going to take this quite seriously and am gonna surprise myself :)

Well, that said , I have to confess this can be quite a fleeting thought . Once I have quite a sizable chunk of a work, meaningful or otherwise, I am more likely to be lost behind the pile. The need to be busy is so over-powering that it sub-plants the need to be efficient.

Have been doing a bit of introspection to find out that one thing that I am super-good at. Know what ...the only ever thing I could come up with is "Being a good self-critic!!!" I know I can do better than that!!! An honest review tells me I am being too self-critical.

So, I am revamping this exercise to be an extraspection(?!) - where I am gonna take inputs from my friends and well-wishers to know what is it I am good at that I can leverage on to get further.

If you know me well and you happen to read this , I need your ten cents. Do share that one thing that I am really really good at ...that surface that I can scratch to dig for my treasure.

Thanks in advance.

Oh ... about the long hiatus on  this blog...I have been writing way too many on my head. They simply did not get here :)

A quick update: She is one bubbly, adventurous toddler with way too many questions on her head and is all about exploring. Life in general is good and for that I am thankful :)

 

A conversation with Mintu

I want to remember our conversation today.

Mommy : Mintu ...Love you Mintu.
Mintu: Mommy , but I dont love you.
Mommy: Thatz ok Mintu , you dont have to love me .

After the many experiences life has given me , I have come to understand that loving without getting judgemental is 'THE' thing. I will love  her through and through ... I know it is not easy (considering the number of tattoos she might sport , the nay-sayings , shoulder-shrugs, arguments , denials ).

What she is doing to me is amazing !!!! I never knew I had it my capacity to be the person I am.It is almost like shez unlocking new doors inside my heart ...leading me to places within me I never knew before. I feel so new ... and so different ...in a rather nice way. Love you Mintu for that!!!

I always want to remember that she is a choice I made and loving her is not a matter of choice.If she is making it difficult for me , I know where it comes from ;)

Note to Mintu: You know what Mintu , mommy loves you anyways. But you better be good!!!

 

Choices

So oft I have penned my thoughts  here on 'choices'.But it just does not seem enough.Or may be that I am thinking in circles.

That said , I have come up this cross-road so many times in life and I still have not got the hang of it. The questions remain: "To stand-out or belong?" ; "To stand-up or let go" ; "To work on an effort or move on with alternatives"; "To forgive the person or to forget the relationship ".

Here I am in a place warm and cozy ...quite stable where I can snuggle in the mirth of simple and comfort living.And in front of me is an unfamiliar path , which requires a lot of effort and energy, letting go, learning and scaling up and honestly speaking it might require more ..or may be less...I do not know..The rewards ...I am yet to figure that out!! It might be warm , it might be cold ..I do not know. But it sure would be an experience!!!

Looks like the explorer in me is showing some light there :) Sometimes I look at some people and admire at what fine , remarkable material they are made of. The kind of energy they bring along , the ways they stand-up, the ways they let go and the ways in which they seem to orchestrate life. One sure thing I understand is how hard the paddle and how beautfifully they glide.

So , that is that I guess.Life is all about experiences...I am always in for one.

A life to learn

My grand-ma went into a lasting slumber on June 7, 2012.

As much as I am missing her , I was thinking about the numerous lives she has touched.Hers was a humble beginning and she carried that humility all along.She was not all that educated, but I am yet to meet another woman so sure of her-self , strong and gentle.

 I seriously have a difficulty comprehending ...how can someone be so fragile and yet so strong , so innocent and yet so self-sure.

My grand-parents'  lives are lessons to me. I can never get there ...but I sure can make my life more sensible with the learning.

Of the many , the most important lesson I need is to learn to forgive. For me "forgiveness" is the toughest. Though I donot carry the bitterness or hatred around, I find it very difficult to let go of the hurt.It is almost like that hurt part of me is so hurt and numb with scar that it can never warm up from within.I simply cannot stop asking the question "why?".

I am just so thankful for all the times spent with my grand-parents...I have basked in their love and compassion , the words of wisdom ,heart-warming jestures,  had insightful conversations, good times and great memories.

They were a loving couple and with this togetherness , it will only get better.