Can't-think-of-one syndrome - II

Yeah ...yet another time the lame-ness syndrome returns...

This time the symptoms are expressing bold, italicised and what not.I am feeling a mixture of tiredness, sleep-walking and a wee-bit sulky and also a tinge dreamy.In fact I find things around hard to grasp and am experiencing a delay in comprehensing :-(

May be itz the dope :-p...may be the endless-chats,right through the nights, with my door-mouse cousin Tina, who desperately is on the look out to buy a college seat (pray shez in for a good deal), the travelling , cooking and oh I almost forgot...the two movies I had been to over this weekend(One "Pudupaettai" : night show :: bad option :-( If anyone gives me the exact count of the slain ones in the movie I am awarding them a bottle of nice , fresh, juicy blood.The screen was full of slaughter and blood-shed that I was feeling pucky and sticky of blood all-over.Eeek!!The other,"Thiruttu payalae" , seemed so much better after having watched the killer concoction.Infact , the plot was quite new to Tamil cinema and has been handled pretty well.Suchi's voice for Malavika weaves a magic.The climax was realistic and well-picturised), everything added up to the muddled-up me who is hazily typing this post out.This I m doing coz I m too confused to work, I dont want to blow up my code :-)

Well, work keeps me really really busy these days and to add to it I ve my exams comin up .I have to scrimmage for my books , I dont know where on earth they are :-(

The set up I m running must be through by now.Work calls !!
Signing off from cyber space ...

Lost and found !!!

Yesternight I experienced what I would call nothing less than a miracle.
Let me start off with what happened yesterday and then lead you unto my past , where I ve my memories grandized in gold.
Friendships have always been a vital part of my life and more so of me and they will continue to be..

Yesterday, I was very hurt(I owe it to my vulnerability) and decided to perform my self-soothening ritual of blog-hopping , skimming through blogs.Just then , I hit upon a name so familiar , so close to my heart , a name I ve etched in my heart for years.
I was devouring frantically every post of the blog, which I believed was that of my long-last friend , looking for some cue or string to weave back to my school days.
And I had my bounty... it is hers.
What I feel is sheer joy!Oh please...the previous sentence is so poorly understated.Miracles are too great to be bound by words!!

Now, a briefing on why she is so special and her friendship so priceless.
It was my sixth grade and we were best of friends.Then,I was confronted with a choice I had to make : Continue to be ONLY her best-friend else give up that beautiful thing between us for friends I never really made.
I chose to be a friend of all and saw the our togetherness fade into the air.
The pain I felt , the day she left the school , waving bye to every other person except me, the tears that rolled down my cheeks as I weeped silently, hiding myself behind a tree at my school's basket-ball court , just to catch one last sight of her ,everything remains so fresh.

It is more than 12 years since all that happened , and repentance still breezes in leaving me hurt.
I repent for the choice I made , for having given up on a friendship that meant so very much to me.Then,I was not wise enough to understand that possessiveness is just another expression of how much I meant to her and not as I saw , a sign of oppression.
I repent because I gave up on what was meant to stay and grow and unfurl blossoms.

May be our togetherness is still in the air , just where it faded into.May be she will remember me.

May be we will be friends...just what we ought to be...

Friend , if you are reading this, I am really sorry for the choice I made , for the hurt I put you through.

Just the thought that I found you makes me fervently humble to the unimaginable possibilities that life has in store.Now, I do believe in miracles.

Thank you for opening up a beautiful world for me , back then , when we were in our sixth class.

Thank you for helping me believe.

Lost and not found

If at point of time , you have wondered about the real you, I am just there , in that very spot , leaving my shadow to wonder where it is belongs to.
My shadow , I knew its been there with me , even when I was incapable of seeing it.Whether I ve been there for myself, I dont have an answer.But if there has to be an answer , I would have to say "no".

The very many times I ve deserted my self , grabbed my dreams away, trimmed-off my wings , chained my interests , crucified the self that was so very much me,the spurts of criticisms , I ve to say no.
And then, there had been times when I smiled when I wanted to snob , when I hanged-on when all I wanted was to let go , was angelic when I wanted to be otherwise , was patient whilst I was screaming insides.My self, I know ,is all marred.

Venue:Besant Nagar


The masks I wear in and out , the masks have become my second nature , I handle them with such ease,I can put thespians to shame.
If you ask me why, I dont have an answer.
If you ask me how , I dont know.
If you ask me to show my true face ,I cannot.
I dont remember having one.

May be I lost it even before I knew I had one.

To have is to have not

Over lunch, we discussed about the vary many directions that are being sought , the new avenues being explored and about the desperateness that sets into a list-less mind, that drives it far and beyond.

To have a list, to hold a road map and to have a destiny zeroed-in , is as much a bane as it is otherwise.I see it as a limitation that one draws upon oneself, a narrowing down of possibilities , undermining the generosity of life.

In some strange sense, getting what is wanted stops one from getting what one deserves.What we achieve sets us into a state of complacency that we become oblivious of what we are capable of achieving.

Winning over complacency is one of the toughest things I ve ever attempted.Every day I battle , with my mind for the sword and the soul softened by good-fortune , for my armour.I m simply bruised all over."The war is what matters", I tell myself.

"There are only two tragedies in life:
one is not getting what one wants,
and the other is getting it."
- Oscar Wilde

How true!

Can't-think-of-one syndrome - I

If a post of mine bears a title like this one that you are reading , just know that I ve been suffering the 'Can't-think-of-one' syndrome.
I think everyone of us suffers this atleast once in our life-time , whether it is giving a name to the kitten you just adopted, a new born , a blog you egged ,an anonymity you are seeking, an account you want to create or a project that just got kicked-off (just like it did last week :-) ).
The weekend that just went by was packed with pilgrimage.
The trip I thought would be taking me through a rich photo shoot.
Owe it to my E-gnorance ...the whole thing blew up :-(
Dint know quite well how to handle my cam , and the through put turned out to be what I can call digital disasters...save this.

This is a snap from Srirangam temple.
I leave it to you to guess whatz so special about this pic.
..
.
.
.
Just in case if you are as good as me in brain-energy conservation, this is for you:
This is a sculpture on one of the pillars of the prakaars of tghe temple.
Hide the body of the animal to your left and you can see an elephant in full.On hiding the body of the elephant , you will see a cow.
Quite a marvel...what do you say?

Yet another pic I wanted to share is that of the really cute cup of coffee that I had.

Courtesy:Coffee Day,Besant Nagar.

I almost forgot !!!


Yet another snap that was supposed to be here was that of my slender index-finger with a stripe of indigo running right through.But now that the streak of indigo is almost gone , here's a pic of what remains of it :-)

Hope that the newly elected government would execute well their duties as I did :-)

The elixir of life

I wanted to do it for long ....somehow I just dint get the chance to make it or may be I had not looked enough .I knew it feels great...I ve seen it in the eyes of the one I shall call 'patriot'.He's done it and I ve been there then .
Yeah..there have been many of them who ve had a taste of me ...whether or not I wanted.It hurts.It hurts a lot when you are tasted against your will.But with life and such grimy creatures around...I dint have a choice :-(
But today was different.I had given of myself, a decision arising from my own free-will.If you ask me the name , I cannot tell.Even if you insist I cannot ...the name was the last thing I could think of then.I dint care.
The experience was painful but not as much as I thought it would.Now ,feeling a wee-bit dizzy , or may be itz all in my mind.The warm gushes that left me ..aah I felt good ! Feels like for once I ve done what I ve always wanted to do.
...
..
..
.
.
.
I donated blood ;- )

(If that slimy grey matter sitting slyly inside that hardened cranium of yours painted any thought blue or green...I m all giggles...)

Those grimy creatures that I was talking about ...call them 'mosquitoes' ...mwahh hahha hhaa....

Now for the sensible thing I intend to put down:
You can actually save lives just by parting with a little of your blood.If you intend to, but dont know where (just like I was once), check this out :
indianblooddonors.com

You can also contact Lions Blood line here:
lionsbloodline.com


You can make a difference!

An itch in the heart

Today as I was heading to work ,a cyclist ahead of me with garlands of roses.
I was trying to imagine the very many destinies the flowers may be heading to.
May be they would reach the sanctorum of the Gods, may be they would be part of a politician's attire or the decorum of a cut-out or joining a departed soul.

Every flower has a destiny ...a day to brighten , a hand to perfume,a spirit to lift , a soul to rise , a bee to feed on.

The choice of its destiny is not with the flower.Why should it be otherwise for us? The very many times we have made hurting decisions ,over-looking people, disregarding things and shutting doors , just to end up realising that those where the doors we were to walk-through , the things to take along and the people who were really meant to stay.

Having a choice to make is such a burden.

Seems like the weather-cocks and the withering flowers are blessed than I am .

Trial Run

If you thought you could get what you could get out of reading a blog , probably an insight , a new view , a good time , a piece of art , joke , fun , tip , recipe , a piece of information, a peek into someone else's mind , an invisible adoption of teeny-weeny thoughts , the brain-children of a stranger or may be a friend , from this post , PLEASE DONOT PROCEED ANY FURTHER !!!

This is a trial run to verify the new 'FeedBlitz' feature that I ve put up in this blog.

FeedBlitz brings any new post on this blog straight to your inbox as and when it gets posted.
All you have to do is just subscribe !

Thanks to Ramesh for spelling this out.

Cool ...ain't it?

Looking thru the third eye...

Off-late, sundays are becoming packed with action and lotsa travel.
Today , we played yet another episode of the urban (not-so-adventurous)adventure , cos this time it was with much of planning.
Started out bit late to the beach , the sun was already on the rising.We , Tina and me , were to tag along Frisky , but eventually plans changed.
At the beach, lazily watched people walk, dance, play , meditate , flirt , watch, sleep .Space without limits is such a comfort.
Dint feel like dippin in the waters.Headed back home and started off on a journey which was more of a pilgrimage.
Met this cool guy with this great hair-do and wanted to pronounce to the world the existence of the 'Enlightened One' :p

If you look really really well , you ll see the aura on his face ( Courtesy : Mr.Sun 'n d'west) :-)
The very many reasons for which I kept away from photography could no longer hold me back.Today, I ventured out on my first hunt and here is one more capture momented.

The resurrection of a forbidden soul

Come, drink of my fragrance,
nibble at me,feed your taste-buds.
I see you starved and hungry,as the urchins
whose eyes have glistened with hopelessness.
Hence I bid, "Come to me".
Let the fangs of yours,
feed on my dampness.
Bite into me ,
every cell, nerve and sinew.
And now see my bones, dont you ?
Hardened by feelings I cannot give any name.
In their brittle, amuse yourself.
Suck them until the juices made you dizzy.
I see the canines not very far,
they breathe a longingness for food.
Feed them with what remains of my skeletons.
Now, for the big-time dessert;
You see my glazed soul?
Why wait? Plunge in , swim,
drink , devour it of its subtlety.
Drink until vacuum fills-in,
where once I filled the spaces.
Let nothing that is of me remain.


From the strength of the void
and the beauty of the vacuum,
I will rise again, born unto the
purity and lightness of existence,
freed from the confines that life
scribbled on my crumpled pages.
I shall become unstained of me,
pristine, flawless, glowing with innocence,
unfurl to see the gleaming white dawn.
And you shall speak of me,
"The ugly caterpillar has moulted
into a beautiful butterfly".
The pain I suffered in my womb,
shall hold its silence forever.

Call me Gab

Where did I get this from?Is it in my genes or did I pick it from the world I was given unto or may be all the universe conspired or may be it is THE force?How did I become so?
Now , now , now , before I get you on my nerves , I was just talking about how garrulous I can be.I ll add 'incessantly' garrulous to make it more close to what is reality.Did I tell you about the whole night I spent chatty with my cousin?Thatz not just the one time.
The idea of conversing somehow appeals to me so very much.I simply love talking!!I can talk when I ve something to talk , when I ve nothing to talk , or even when no one to talk.
The gift of gab ...it iz my thirst and it is my quenching waters, my pain and my pleasure.
And then there are times when I just dont need any one to talk to.I am happy-go-lucky talking to my self.And all the self-talk , it has done so much for me .It has been my console,motivation,discipline, my vent and my window , and very many things I cannot give a name.
Oh I almost forgot , why did I think of my chatty ways?!It all started when I wanted to wish a friend of mine , who just got encaged :-)
I started out wishing him on his engagement , then went on to wish him a happy marriage , then cute and naughty kids ,then active toddlers , then they grow up to be a studious lot , then responsible grown-ups , then I was wishing on them taking over the family , filling their home with love,light and laughter and offering their mom and dad life's best , then the couple walking down to cut their sixtieth anniversary cake.Boy...a moment later I was thinking how weird are my thinking ways..how dare I spell all the gibberish I concocted!
Am wondering what the guy who shared the good news would have thought?!
What with him..I shall unflichingly make good of my gift.
Is my good good enough ?
The question remains :-)

P.S: Long , long ago , before I moved in here ,I used to blog as 'Gab' :-)

My urban adventure

Yesterday , I painted the hours with lots of colours , not just with pretty colours hews ,
but otherwise.The picture looks more wholesome ....more complete.
The day started ...actually the day before dint end ...it just seamlessly jelled with yesterday.
The reason : the entire night I was conversing with tina , discussing about everything I could think of...almost everything under the sun...believe me 8 hours just were nt enough!
We decided to go for an early work-out .But just that as we hit the roads , our plans shattered with the waves :-)
Yeah...we landed up at the beach , with no licence , no money and no mobile....real adventure!Atleast the best I could have in my urban existence.
Watching the sun and the moon , together in the skies ,early on a sunday morn was really overwhelming.I told myself that I should take time to live...which many a times goes unchecked in mylist . Had great fun picking shells , watching crabs and playing pranks.
Wanted to share one more thing...did you know crabs,( the smaller ones) live in the shells of snails?!.I spotted one!
The whole idea of getting to the unknown and doing the unprecedented turns me on.Guess I owe it to the archer in me!!!
Just that we were lucky to sail across safe.
If only something happened ...say Tsunami , no one would even know we got washed away...more so ...my gym instructor...he would be in real hot stew !
You just heard the pessimnist in me speak :-)
Anyways I ll call it a day!
I ll remember to post the snaps of the shells , collected as memorablia ...as always I really dont know when...
Here you go!!!

Blaring silence and other WISE

Things happened yesterday that spurred my thoughts on human relationships.I ll just confine to putting down my thoughts on the incidents , leaving behind what exactly the incidents were.
Inference from Scenario 1:
Sometimes with people , all you have to do is talk.Talk your heart out until you are emptied or your cappucino gets cold :-)
Like it is a writer's block , each one of us , at some point of time , go blank or more so inert that we are not affected by anything happening around or to us.But the person sitting across just isn't you!!!
That makes it necessary to spell out something or any thing that gets the message across.
Inference from Scenario 2:
Sometimes with people , all you have to do is hold your silence :-)
I know...I sound wickedly fickle.
Believe me!!The times when you shout out at the top of your voice , scream until your voice box needs overhaul , thatz when you become too loud that people cant hear you.
If at that moment you can hold your silence , you will be heard.
Inference from Scenario 3:
Yet another experience that required that I speak up , loud, clear and SPECIFIC , and move away , so that that you give the other person sometime to actually get what you said...for the whole idea to sink in.
So , that is all about what I reflected on .
Just when I was about close down on this post, I had a short meeting that revealed to me yet another reason to talk...not to communicate , not to express views , not to have anything accomplished...except for the talking itself.

MM : How about we meet up now?
Me : Sure.
MM : I just dint want to postpone this any further.The floor is your yours.
Me : I require some clarifications on ..... and why ....happened.
MM : Actually , we are really aware of whatz ahppening...and we are working on it.
We just have to arriev at a consensus...and that will take a while from now.
Me : What about .... that was supposed to happen?
MM : Infact , that is one more thing we are looking at.We are expecting it to happen very soon.Just that we are working on to arrive at a cumulative decisioning process , which will facilitate the decision-making in this regard.
Me :hmm...
MM :So , what I would suggest is wait for some more time and things will come out with great prospects.But mean while , do give in your inputs because your feedbacks will help us improve.
Me : Sure.Thanks.

After the meeting:
OBJECT - STATE
Me *BLANK*
MM *GOK* (If only you dint know what it is : "God Only Knows").

Conversations for conversation's sake :-)

Things money cant buy

Apart from the regular very many priceless things , that money cant buy viz.,
mother's love,baby's smile, dew drop on a blade of grass, a double rainbow,there are some oddities that are inevitably part of life , so over-powering and awe-inspiring that money cannot buy or can spell 'IMPOSSIBLE' ;-)

To mention a few :
->A parking space in T.Nagar on weekends
->An election without the raucous speakers (...especially the ones blurting out totally unnerving spoofs of popular numbers)
->A politician with no party-vaulting
->An election manifesto without black-advertising
->Maids who communicate their leave-plans in prior
->Project requirements that dont change
->A house-hold without 'my-family' , 'your-family' tiffs
->A city bus that comes on time....more so...one that stops at 'THE BUS-STOP'
->An auto-driver who dont swear
->Mobiles unperturbed by credit-card offers

As the temperatures are soaring, so also the elections are making the city hotter and happening.

" For want of a nail
the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe
the horse was lost.
For want of a horse
the rider was lost.
For want of a rider
the battle was lost.
For want of a battle
the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want
of a horseshoe nail."

Remember this good-old nursery rhyme ?

Do excise your vote without fail.

Just a friendly reminder with earnest civic sense :-)

The promise of life

A seed was sown and then was long-forgotten.
All the elements of nature conspired,
and the spirit of the universe too.
The gushing waters , rumbling leaves,
many a trickle and a couple of shoves;
Finally a loud bang and knock
...the little seed breathed a lazy yawn,
and a groggy stretching of its extensions.
Just when it ventured rising from its bed,
"Awe...that hurts" said the seed ,
following the thud.
A little nosy about what it was,
the seed made its upward stride.
Sure it was not all uphill.
One more time and lo!
"What on pod is this...so bright
...I cannot stand it".
Time flowed and every drop had a story to tell,
fragrance to add , trinkets to treasure.

The seed had now become eligible,
with an unfurling blossom.
With every day a little of opening-up,
more mature...more fragrant.
As time should have it:
Every leaf must fall;
Every blossom must wither;
And so did this.
But there is always the promise of life
that still remains:
For every fall, there is a spring;
For every wither, there is a wing.
There is always a little seed,sown, long-forgotten
...it will see its morn.

Bizarre

Ppl,with not much happening at work end...I resorted to the library and was flipping through the tech stuff..where I hit upon in a magazine...'the most useless inventions'.Smitten by the whole idea , herez one :

http://forevergeek.com/gadgets/first_dual_cursor_mouse.php

"'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'
'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,” said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.'"
-Lewis Carroll


:-)

Good ole times...

These days I m in a frenzy to leave office, get away from work.The moment I step out of my office premises..I feel life gushing so passionately unto me...donno if itz all in my mind or things actually are that way.Then I tell myself ..may be itz the overworking for the past few months thatz making me feel what I feel.
Off-late,I ve evolved this ritual of spending an hour or so with elders at home...chatting ...and today it so happened that aunty was talking about her own good times with her aunt and topics of good ol' times came up.As I was listening to her..I was just thinking how mechanized and energy-drained this generation has become.Was wondering if I would take care of someone with such love, compassion and patience ...
Then my own childhood reminiscence spurted out...the days of cycle-rides,kammarkaatu muttai, pulippu muttai, summers at the village...water snakes , diving from the bridge , the rivers, the scary centipedes ..the traditional maruthaaani(mehandi)...all cousins and the gala..the tractors running through the night,riding on it sitting on thatha's lap,dosas with fresh butter...
watching 'Oliyum Oliyum ' on Panchayat board TV, the chats which would stretch out until early morning,the rope-cots ...the yearning for summer holidays.
I really donno if the next generation would even get to have a tinge of the kind of fun I had during my child hood.With time everything is just moving towards modernity...far from simplicity.. day by day.
As I see myself..I belong to the priviledged lot who got to taste the traditional and technological flavours of life.
On my part , I m in the process of collecting recipes of traditional sweets and savouries , that I can share with the generations to come.
Then again I tell myself itz the tendency to resist change that I m expressing as my fondness to the past.What a complex specimen I ve become...to think on why I think the way I think?!!!
Just one more thing before I sign-off..ppl if you have recipes of traditional sweets , savouries or cuisine please do share it.
Until we meet...keep drinking life:-)

Another home-coming : PART II

New year's day was yet another adventurous day for me...happily drove people crazy.Another feather in my hat was the double-layered cake , a chocolate and vanilla, that I successfully baked :-)
New beginnings bring new hope ...a strange peace and assurance that things will be fine hereon ...from the very moment.For that I like people, things, experiences anew.
I see them as opportunities to introspect (one word that I fell short of), rediscover , grow .
"When the student is ready , the teacher would appear".
This is one of my favorite quotes and I somehow feel itz so true even with life...when we are prepared , our path is made vivid and things just fall in place so marvellously well.This is one of the universal truths that I stumbled upon ...more so.. was prepared to get stumbled upon I guess :-)
No New year's resolutions this time (nothing I remember ):p
Told myself that I would not confine divinity to places - my innovative excuse for not going to places of worship.
The days that followed..infact 2 months (Feb and March) was heck of a time...loads of work to do,people, attitudes to confront, that I can hardly remember anything I can remember of to blog.But now, that all of those belong to the past , I feel I did handle them pretty well.May be I could have done them much better with less of cribbing ... I am just learning!!
Got yet another thought that struck me from the plane of my brain .That, I ll share with you in my next blog...
Take care until then...keep smilin...

A thank you note

Opening up to all existing possibilities can itself lead to an astounding revelation.Today I chose to to do things which meant to me on a personal sense rather than the ones I force myself to do for a cause-effect outcome.
I spoke to frenz, listened to my favourite numbers, surfed the net , explored wikipaedia ...and then got to step in to a couple of blogs.I simply cannot stop being amused at the idea of whopping number of creative existences!!!
Blogs , I believe are the most amazing things that the internet has to offer , opening up the vistas of minds, creating space to breathe creativity ...the discussions, the stories, the lessons, the facts, the dreams and fantasies of unknown faces...the hoard of knowledge and experiences that are being shared across distances.Every blog I read , the richer I grow with experience.It is almost like someone else is living....just to make my life richer and better.
For all those who are making my life better...blogging and otherwise...thank you!!!

Another home-coming : PART I

Its a long long time since I inked my thoughts.....more so... since I thought. Life s been keeping me frenzy with me juggling many a thing..that I hardly kept any count.
This blog is about making up...for all those faded memories,unregistered thoughts, sweet happenings, sweeter nothings....all that had eluded from getting blogged.
I ll start off with an occasion...not just another occasion ...but a very special day for me and more so for all the people whoz life I ve entered ...and made a complete mess :p
Kudos if you guessed it right..my B Day!!!
This B day was very very different from the ones I used to have...not just that I m another year wiser...but for the new people...newer places and in fact a newer life.The dawn rose with a medley of emotions which I shall not try to explain.I shall simply put it as a 'not-so-good'.
My thanks to all those calls , wishes and gifts...special thanks to Peeps for the beautiful bouquet...it turned me red...literally.Ventured out on my own to attend a friend's wedding.Came back and plopped on the couch and settled for a sweet slumber.
Dropped in at Gee 's place...went on a whirly shopping , had my share of fun-for-the day , was brooding over why things were the way they were... and then that was that .
The day was just not my day....who cares..I have an entire year ahead :- )
The day reminded me of this quote,
"Change is the only permanent thing".

End of PART I.