Smiling through the night :-)

Well , if you thought something inside my head cranked up ...may be you are right...but to me it does not matter.

I am happy :-)

I ve always been a lucky little brat ..always surrounded by the best of people ...whether itz the someone I do crazy things with ( like walking on a main street...wading through the waters ..with foot-wear in hand ;) ) , or the someone on whose lap I lie down and cry , or the someone with whom I talk through the night as if there would not be another day , or the someone with whom I walked down the university ...hand in hand , or the someone who makes me laugh , or the someone whoz Dharma to the me whoz Grey ,or the someone with whom I relish noodles,music and tang and sweet nothings until it is dawn , or the someone to whom I can simply say "I hate you " and know that I would be understood , or the someone with whom I ve been a partner in crime , or the butterfly whoz my online sanity-saver or the someone who taught me my life's biggest lesson, ...each one of them....

Sometimes the joy is overwhelming ...humbling ...to realise that I ve been just more than blessed ...

3 years ago I would ve jumped in joy ... these days I ve lost my insanity ...I can only smile ... a well-thought , calm , smile ...full of gratitude and contentment.But I ve not abandoned my weridity ..right in the middle of the night (the time is 1.35 CST) , thinking of all my special people and smiling.

I like this crazy part of me ...crying as to fill the world's oceans..and rejoicing as if all heavens were let loose...That simply is me :-)

I m enjoying it here...this planet is a great place to be !!!!

What ya say?

P.S: Just one more thing for me to feel lucky about ...the auto-save in blogger that kept in-tact this post through the cranky net session.I almost thought I lost this all...

A snap-shot of me

After a long time , I feel fear and overwhelmed by an emotion I cannot give a name or explain.But I just aint feeling good.I m that kind of person ...who gets scared for things I dont know ...for reasons not very obvious.I am not very good at tracking down the trigger.I know therez one.May be itz the tough day I had been through.

Just when I want to have my folks around me ...atleast at calling distance ...I ve misplaced my cell-phone.A night without my cell-phone is ok....but just not tonight.
Trying hard to save my sanity and that is the very reason that this post is happening now.

I dont want to consider the option of chatting for the simple reason that I m going to startle my people when out of the blue I say ,"I m scared".Chat is a tough medium to relate on an emotional level.

I know everything is going to be just fine.I just have to believe what I know.Now , I ll go bury my head in my pillows....my thoughts ..I dont know what to do with them..

On a lighter note ...tears are good for me...they keep my eyes nice , clean and moist :-)

Chao....

An update and few more thoughts

The last couple of weeks had been quite eventful...new places , new people , known people with new faces , new experiences ...thatz a lot of learning for a short span.

The weekend before the previous (Sep 9, 2007) , had been to Doug's beautiful lake cabin. Did quite a bit of adventure stuff...tubing and water -skiing.Well with skiing , I was almost there :) When in the waters , I feel at home ..( ofcourse with my life jacket on).I enjoyed the part where I got a little more adventurous going under the boat to untangle the tubing-rope from the rudder.Should learn swimming sometime.

With some people , you spend quite so much time together ...but not vocalize any bonding and therez no path together.But its good , two parallel paths ...no merging , no crossing , free-to-divulge ...and yet together.Time and again I realise any good relationship makes the people in it , independent and each other special.

And then there are others with whom you had once walked the same path together holding hands, though now the path has forked .And when the paths cross again , the
warmth comes back into the heart.But then you know it at heart , it may not last.It rather not.This wary makes the bond more of logic than emotional.

Oh..and then the other kind ..who vocalize so very much and give you the feel good pleasure.The best bet is to do the learning and move on.It does not hurt to love.But where love ends , hurt is inevitable. Itz ok to get hurt once in a while.You will remember you still have a heart...and that you still are vulnerable.

Last weekend (Sep 15 , 16) I had been to Chicago , which I would not call an eventful trip ...but rather an adventurous one.What else would you call one where the major part was getting lost ?! But fun is fun ...even when you are lost.

This weekend ..the one thatz happening now , is kinda laid-back , recuperation , relaxing and dreaming ...and I m enjoying it this way.The best part is I actually am making up for all the thinking which I missed the last couple of weekends.

Well , at this point this is more than an update ...thatz live news :-) I ll take leave with that.Have a great weekend all!!!

My immediate needs

-> An yellow rainbow
-> A switch to turn my thinking off
-> Chocolates that wont give me calories
-> Gentle rainswhen the sun is high
-> Warmer weather inside the office
-> Lotsa sleep
-> Loved ones to speak my mind off ...IN PERSON
-> Some interesting food to eat...(interesting = anything vegetarian Indian)
-> More music
-> A walk in the woods

A snap-shot of me

Off-late I m caught up in a sand-storm of emotions , thoughts, that my visibility is close to zero and am acting in very strange ways.Ways I ve never seen myself walk and thoughts I ve never thought.

Last noon , I had been to the library to pick books for my week's reading and was overwhelmed by their multitudious presence , that I shed a tear or two.Dont know if it was the numerous options I was presented with , that made me feel overwhelmed...or is their proliferous presence just the last straw?

These days I m more comfortable having books and music around, rather than people.Not that I hold anything my loved ones or the human race , may be I m losing my ability to express myself.I dont want to try...not for a little while.

Another thing I m actually trying out is to test the limits of my humility and sometimes I m surprised at how untamed my ego or pride (I dont know which one) has grown , without me noticing. But I m being a prudent master.

If only a visit to the library , the choices , if they overwhelm you , these are some books that may appeal to you:

I , Rigoberto Menchu
Bridge across forever , Richard Bach
Crossing borders , Rigoberto Menchu
House made of dawn , N. Scott Momaday

I read this post after having typed it out and it simply is a medley.If you can make a little sense of this , call yourself 'lucky ' :-)

Catch you later...

A self-inflicted murder

She walks the name-less streets, amidst the face-less strangers;
Even if they did have names or faces, it really dint matter.
She speaks the language that will never be understood.
Being understood is of no good either.

She stares deep into the wilderness , which is all within her;
Even it were otherwise , she does not know where to go.
Her stead-fast walk looks impressive ,
despite her tattered clothes.
But looks can be very deceptive,
the truth remains: She has no place to go.

I made her that way, haggard, torn and numb.
I stole her of her joyful smiles and
marred the beauty she was meant to be.
She is now many a times stoned,
but she gives a smile so dumb.
Pity ...her cradle is her coffin.

She was given unto the hands of a stranger to her heart.
It was I who did it.
What hurts her most is not the stones nor the stranger,
but the fact that she is abandoned to eternity.
And the doer of the deed is abandoned as much.
Wounds heal, pain fades ...scars remain.

Happy Independence Day India :-)

A snap-shot of me

Yesterday , I waded in the waters of a calm , clear , beautiful lake.I was thinking about the turbulence that the previous day's rain should ve brought upon the lake.I watched a leaf fall...ripe and gracious.I walked over lots of them,I heard them rustle under my feet.

I like the woods ...the crickets , the bees (or may be the wasps..I cant tell between the two) , the earthern-smell,the calm waters, the trees, the breeze ...especially after a rain.They feed my senses and do something to me which i donot know what...something very good.Not a passing feeling...but a staying calm.

I dont know if I m calm or at peace or contented or am simply tired.What ever it is
I like it now.I like what I m in the woods.

I read this:

"I wrote a poem to the moon

But no one noticed it;

Although I hoped that late or soon

Someone would praise a bit

Its purity and grace forlone,

Its beauty tulip-cool...

But as my poem died still-born,

I felt a fool.



I wrote a verse of vulgar trend

Spiced with an oath or two;

I tacked a snapper at the end

And called it Dan McGrew .

I spouted it to bar-room boys,

Full fifty years away;

Yet still with rude and ribald noise

It lives today.



'Tis bitter truth, but there you are-

That's how a name is made;

Write of a rose, a lark, a star,

You'll never make the grade.

But write of gutter and of grime,

Of pimp and prostitute,

The multitude will read your rhyme,

And pay to boot.



So what's the use to burn and bleed

And strive for beauty's sake?

No one your poetry will read,

Your heart will only break.

But set your song in vulgar pitch,

If rhyme you will not rue,

And make your heroine a bitch...

Like Lady Lou ."

- Robert William Service, "My Cross"

And it made perfect sense to me!!!

Yet another rattle...

Things are getting better at my corner of the world.The sun is shining brighter , the grass is greener, the winged-ones are chirping merrier than ever.Ofcourse itz summer , but then I am talking about the sun-shine within :-)

For the last couple of weeks I was going through a not-so-smooth patch.But now things have changed for better.For one, I m doing the right things , well , atleast some, and that puts a smile on my days:-)

Over the troubled-week I just came up with a prayer(not that I m all that pious!!) :

"God , give me the pride to do things on my own , when I can;
And the humility to ask for help when there are things I cannot."

Time to get back to work ...ciao!!!!

Keep smiling :-)

Quotes

Was nt I talking about the quotes I miss very badly , here? Well, thanks to DD and Pramod for having saved my quotes from oblivion :)

Folks , here you go!!!

"A man ought to read just as inclination leads him,
for what he reads as a task will do him little good.
-Samuel Johnson

"Millions saw the apple fall,
but Newton was the one who asked why."
- Bernard Baruch

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-Anais Nin

"Failure is success if we learn from it."
- Malcolm Forbes

"You can't see the world through a mirror."
- Avril Lavigne.

"If you forgive yourself, you will stop criticizing others".
-Andrew Matthew

"Confidence comes not from always being right
but from not fearing to be wrong."
- Peter T. McIntyre

"Have the determination of a mirror
which never loses its ability to reflect
even if it is broken into a thousand pieces."
-Author Unknown

"Knowing others is intelligence.Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength.Mastering yourself is true power".
-Swami Vivekananda

"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which
we are permitted to remain children all our lives."
-Albert Einstein

"Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom,
and being one's own person is its ultimate reward."
- Patricia Sampson

"People demand freedom of speech
to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."
- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

"If you understand, things are just as they are;
if you do not understand, things are just as they are."
- Zen proverb

"Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others. "
-Russel Edson

"Happiness can be defined, in part at least,
as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice
what we want now for what we want eventually."
-Stephen R. Covey

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write,
but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
- Alvin Toffler

"Functional Competence is a threshold requirement.
Emotional competence is what will make you a star ."
– Daniel Goleman

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."
-Christopher Reeve

"Great Leaders are not defined by the absence of weakness
but rather by the presence of clear strengths."
- Author Unknown

"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times;
but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly,
till they take root in our personal experience."
- Johann von Goethe

"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."
- Edith Wharton

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."
- Lucille Ball

"Men are not disturbed by things,
but the view they take of things."
- Epictetus

"Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude."
-Ralph Marston

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
-Albert Einstein

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to."
-Annie Gottlier

"If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others. "
-Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld

"Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.
Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul."
-Author Unknown

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious,
than to be able to decide. "
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"If Heaven made him - earth can find some use for him."
-Chinese Proverb

"It is your mind that creates this world."
- Siddhartha Buddha

"I cannot do without something greater than I,
something that is my life - the power to create."
-Vincent van Gogh

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather,
always bring your own sunshine."
-Anthony J. D'Angelo

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
If you can dream it, you can become it."
-William Arthur Ward

"It often takes more courage to change one's opinion
than to stick to it."
-Geoffrey F. Abert

"Happiness can be defined, in part at least,
as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice
what we want now for what we want eventually."
-Stephen R. Covey

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write,
but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
- Alvin Toffler

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts.
It's what you do with what you have left."
-Hubert Humphrey

"Functional Competence is a threshold requirement.
Emotional competence is what will make you a star ."
– Daniel Goleman

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."
-Christopher Reeve

"Great Leaders are not defined by the absence of weakness
but rather by the presence of clear strengths."
- Author Unknown

"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times;
but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly,
till they take root in our personal experience."
- Johann von Goethe

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
- Author unknown

"Take the attitude of a student;
never be to big to ask questions,
never know too much to learn something new. "
-Og Mandino

"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."
- Edith Wharton

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."
- Lucille Ball

"You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one.
Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own.
It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle."
-Paulo Coelho

"Men are not disturbed by things,
but the view they take of things."
- Epictetus

"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people
not smart enough to know they were impossible. "
-Doug Larson

"Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude."
-Ralph Marston

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
-Albert Einstein

"It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes. "
-Sally Field

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to."
-Annie Gottlier

"If we had no faults of our own,
we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others. "
-Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld

"Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.
Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul."
-Author Unknown

"The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born? Where is your home?
Where are you going? What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change."
-Richard Bach

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious,
than to be able to decide. "
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"If Heaven made him - earth can find some use for him."
-Chinese Proverb

"It is your mind that creates this world."
- Siddhartha Buddha

"It is very easy to tell the difference between man-made and God-made objects.
The more you magnify man-made objects, the cruder they look,
but the more you magnify God-made objects,
the more precise and intricate they appear."
- Luther Sutherland

"I cannot do without something greater than I,
something that is my life - the power to create."
-Vincent van Gogh

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather,
always bring your own sunshine."
-Anthony J. D'Angelo

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
If you can dream it, you can become it."
-William Arthur Ward

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age,
which means never losing your enthusiasm."
- Aldous Leonard Huxley

"I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything
I still believe that people are really good at heart."
- Anne Frank

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."
- Tuli Kupferberg

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. "
-Albert Camus

"Sanity is madness put to good use. "
-George Santayana

"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience
and nothing so hard to apply. "
- Josh Billings

"Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present."
-Albert Camus.

"One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure"
- William Feather

"Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final."
- Roger Babson

"All that man has to do is to take care of three things;
good thought, good word, good deed."
- Swami Vivekananda

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right,
for, you'll be criticized anyway.
You'll be damned if you do,
and damned if you don't. "
-Eleanor Roosevelt

"The things that made me stronger are the ones that didnt let me sleep at first. "
-Marisa

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word,
a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
- Leo F. Buscaglia

"Never explain yourself. Your friends dont need it and your enemies wont believe it."
-Belgicia Howell

"We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams."
- Jeremy Irons

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it."
-David Starr Jordan

"The best way out of a difficulty is through it."
- Robert Frost

"Learning by experience often is painful- and the more it hurts, the more you learn."
-Ralph Banks

"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere."
-Albert Einstein

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"
- Anonymous

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human ,
enough hope to make you happy."
-Author Unknown

"Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished."
-Confucius

" I learn by going where I have to go. "
-Theodore Roethke

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr.Seuss

"He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice."
- Albert Einstein

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."
- John Burroughs

"Our world exist only through our perception of it.Change our perception of our world and we can change the world - for us."
-Roger Dawson

"He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak."
- Michel de Montaigne

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
- Mark Twain

"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher."
-Thomas Henry Huxley

" What we see depends mainly on what we look for. "
- John Lubbock

"It is better to be making the news than taking it;
to be an actor rather than a critic."
- Winston Churchill

"If God answers your prayer, He's increasing your Faith..............
If He delays, He's increasing your Patience..........
If He doesn't answer, He Knows You Can Handle It."
- Anonymous

"The Kindest thing you can do for the people you care about is to become a happy, joyous person."
-Brian Tracy

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"People just don't land on mountaintops… they had to climb."
-Trevor Stienburg

"Everyone who got where he is has had to begin where he was."
-Robert Louis Stevenson

"Troubles are like a washing machine,they twist and knock us around,but in the end we come out brighter and better than before"
- Anonymous

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."
- Thomas Alva Edison

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
-Oprah Winfrey

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
- Antoine de Saint

"When someone we love is having difficulty and is giving us a bad time, it's better to explore the cause than to criticize the action. "
- Zig Ziglar

"Every great man is always being helped by everybody, for his gift is to get good out of all things and all persons."
-John Ruskin

"There is one quality that one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it."
- Napoleon Hill

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"To be a great champion you must believe you are the best.
If you're not, pretend you are."
- Muhammad Ali

"The better a man is, the more mistakes he will make, for the more new things he will try."
- Peter Druker

" Anyone who keeps learning today is young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."
-Henry Ford

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength."
-Ralph Sockman

" Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. "
-Shawn Alexander

"There are no opportunities, only problems"
- Bill Austin

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. "
-Robert Louis Stevenson

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost. That is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them. "
-Henry David Thoreau

"There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein.

"Happiness is like jam. You can't spread even a little without getting some on yourself."
-Anonymous

"They can conquer who believe they can. He has not learned the first lesson is life who does not every day surmount a fear."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is not because things are different that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult."
- Anonymous

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."
- Michael Jordon

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."
- Woody Allen

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."
- Michael Jordon

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover will be yourself. "
- Alan Alda (1936 - )

" Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier."
- Mother Teresa

"People with goals succeed because they know where they are going... It's as simple as that."
- Earl Nightingale

"First they ignore you.
Then they laugh at you.
Then they fight you.
Then you win!!"
- Mohandas Gandhi

"I don't dream at night, I dream all day; I dream for a living."
- Steven Spielberg

"It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. "
- Goethe

"You are never given a wish without being given the power to make it true."
- Richard Bach
"Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah"

"You have achieved success if you have lived well, laughed often and loved much."
-Anonymous

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia."
-Charles Schultz

"An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind."
-Dr. Albert Schweitzer

"There are three marks of a superior man: being virtuous, he is free from anxiety; being wise, he is free from perplexity; being brave, he is free from fear."
- Confucius

" The greatest pleasure in life is being able to do what someone else told you you'd fail at. I'm a strong enough person to accept failure, but I'm not strong enough to handle not trying."
-Walter Bagehot

"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb."
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Time-insensitive

I ve always had a problem getting in terms with time ...as in age.Not that I believe in age-related behaviour. I ve always been treated like a princess, a pampered child back at home and with my close circle of friends. Yeah yeah there have been down-sides to that..that I m seen a kiddo , people assume that I dont know things and try explaining or deciding things for me.

Sometimes I try to make myself understand that I ve grown up.One thing that flips my time-sensitivity back to normalcy is this: I remember how small I was when I hugged my dad , back when I was in school ..I would put my head against his paunch..that how tiny I was.Well , now , I can almost lean on his shoulders ...hugging my dad :-) Guess, he makes a good time-gauge...But growing tall does nt necessarily mean growing old ...does it?

But I hate the part of me that hangs on so firmly to the past and whines about what a glorious past it was. Thatz one sure thing that I want to iron-out.Or may be I actually am getting older..or wiser or more complicated or may be the night-mare has begun?!!!

For me , growing old is ok ..but not into a grown-up.When one is grown-up , there is no further one can get and then I would be way too up that I am scared/upset of looking-down at people.

Wondering what is with me....I m just in my mid-twenties and my mid-life crisis has already jolted to life ? Nay ...it should be the usual crazy ways in which I think :-)

Feel free not to read this ...

This post is not going to make any sense...not that every other post of mine did!!But this is going to be worser than them all.So, feel free to ignore this post.I m just recoring the random thoughts running in my mind.
I love to be mean and vicious.No I dont hate anyone just that I bored.Bored of being good, doing sensible things, things that are expected of me ..all my actions quite predictable.I choose to be predictable...I think I should be good to people in that way, when I am actually churning out thoughts that are actually me, just with-in me.Thoughts, very unpredictable, random, arrogant , annoying, mean , snobbish, rebellious...angry.The thoughts which actually are me, may be not all of me.I do think other ways.
Its quite sometime since I ve felt pain...the kind that would toss me down and snap me.Being through the pain was fun...to get through it, to feel miserable,hope-less, dead and come-back to life ...limping...then walk and then turn around and give the agony a back-ward glance.I liked it when I saw myself through that.I love my scars...in them I m stronger.
These days ...life is fairly predictable, like me.Boring ..like me.Well, if you thought that something bad happened to me and that I m into some kind of depression.You have terribly mistaken.Life is good...too good that its too boring.I m bored of myself.
When ever I meet a simple someone , I feel jealous.I ve, in my haste, ran too fast past that mark.And theres no turning back now.One cannot put the tree back into the seed.I yearn to think simple...without any complexity/weirdity...more towards not to think at all.Just to obey.
I ve to learn humility ...To stomp on the thing called 'ego' and to crumble it, with my own feet.To feel pain , to feel hopeless and bare and too weak to fight and to come in terms with my limitations.
Somehow I feel there are not just good and bad people.But people waiting with all earnesty to be on the other side.May be all are just good people , who have nt had a chance to be mean.Or the other way ...all are just mean people yearning to be good.Being just one of them ...is soo boring , incomplete.Everyone is unique about the way they are good or bad and in that we are all the same.
I m thinking too random and hurriedly for me to record them.I ll stop here.If you dint understand...just dont bother.I dint write to be understood.

An update from my corner of the world...

Itz just a week's time but it seems like a long time to me...
The weekend that went by ...the June 24 and 25 , I had a spurt of life...for many reasons:
-> My first driving experience on high-way , a 3 hr stretch
-> My maiden tryst with a beautiful , loving American family
-> My close to death ( well..not as close!!!) water skiing experience

Driving the hi-way is something that gives me a high...hitting the roads for a 3 hr drive at a stretch was major fun.The drive back from the beautiful village of Brandon was not simply beautiful, but was filling me with mirth and a simple-kind of peace as well.But I really have to drive more to let go the teeny-weeny butterflies that prop up every now and then.And ofcourse start my map-reading lessons all over again.
India has always been looked up for itz culture and close-knit family ties.Back in my country,India, we take great pride about it , more so because we think we out-smart the US in that.Having been to the American home I had been to , I think it would be so very unfair to hoard all the credits for close family ties, just for ourselves.I think the way family-ties works in the US is quite different from the way it works in India.In India, personal space is very limited by love and affection that to an alien to the culture, may seem intrusive...here,in the US they respect personal spaces but step-in when one is in need.
I ve grown to like each of these cultures , for their own uniqueness.One gives roots to stand firm ...another gives wings to soar.I need them both :-)
And about the water-skiing adventure...it was in the morning of June 25, I took to water skiing or tubing.Armed in a life-jacket and with tips and expert advice, I took to water skiing.Enthused by how adept I was at handling the beginner's level , I scurried to the next level ...the spins and the twirls.I just could not handle the force of the streamer against the water ...I ripped of the floater and tore into the 30 feet deep lake.
To see the bluish-green drowning me...with no trace of light , to feel water in the recesses of my brain, to be cut-off from air and gasping for breath, eyes burning with the water flooding,the blinding feeling...my first ever close-to-death experience..that was awesome.Well, it was not as close to death ...I had my life-jacket on...but my inept brain wud not trust it so well that it played havoc for few moments.That moment I knew how much I loved my life :-)
For the little seeds of realisation that the week brought along..I simply loved it ...

A plea...

Until not very long ago ...for close to 3 years, I sent out a good morning mail to my friends ( almost all) and to people who made a difference to me.

The mail comprises a picture and a signature quote , a unique one for every day.It was an 15 min effort each day ...looking up for the appropriate quote , ensuring itz not repeated and actually composing the mail and sending it out.

All that and now I realise I dint spend just one more minute to compile the quotes into a collection.I just now realised how I loved every single one of them....so very much!!!

Dumb me!!!!

If you were one of the recipients of my mail and if you have the quotes collected,
please do share it with me.

I would be ever so grateful...

I pray you do...

A snapshot of me

I m damn furious about how cheap people can get , taking advantage of disabilities, just this specific case of playing a mean and nasty game, without fighting it out straight.

Or may be I dint leave them with a choice.

And I learnt how tough it can get, to be in the mob-mentality crowd and save your self.But I choose to go on.

Pray I dont stoop so low as to give up my self-esteem to get what I want.

If I have to, I shall miserably fail rather.

Lessons for life

This one is on relationships ...things I learnt.Just thought I ll put these here that someone might
save a bit of their own sanity.

->If something came up too quick it will be too quick to go down as well.

->"Age appears to be best in four things -
old wood best to burn, old wine to drink,
old friends to trust, and old authors to read."
- Francis Bacon, 1624
Trust this man ...he sure is worldly-wise.Nothing like a friend whose been there through the years...

->If you ever have it in you to be protective of your loved ones...just let that go.Every living , thinking human is to be trusted with their own decisions.And it is perfectly ok to falter ...the lesson stays for long that way.

->Expressions of affection vary from person to person.Not speaking your language does not mean no loving thoughts.

->If you love someone speak it out.Many lives have been de-railed more by silence than by words.

->You know when you ve made a great relationship when you feel connected , secure feeling...but there just is no bondage.
You are free to be yourself..no strings attached.

-> Think beyond the bonding , possessive-ness , mad love.As much as I see these elements here are no doubt mushy-mushy , chO chweet things.But for love to thrive there needs a certain amount of sensibility.I ve outgrown my belief in the phrase
'madly in love'.If theres madness ...it aint love.

->When we like someone we have a natural tendency to be good....even if it means being unlike our-selves.If you are walking that way, itz time you told yourself a 'no'.What you ve been for ages you cannot change ...you cannot run away from the person that really is 'you'.One day the real 'you' is gonna blow up ...what you ve built.Rather be yourself.If someone is
with you , let that be because of who you are and not because of what you ve become of them.

->If someone says 'I would die for you' ...be cautious.A person who cannot value life would certainly be incapable of valuing relationships.And if you are one saying that , that thought needs serious reconsideration.

->If you are one whose looking at your relationship as plain and dull, yearning for adventure , remember those turbulent times you faced and how glad you were to be back home. A rock is plain hard reliable, not as much fun.You can choose the waves if you want , but you ought to make seas your home.

->If you thought someone made you cry , then they are not worth your tears.If someone was worth your tears , they would nt let you cry in the first place.

->Cry if you must , but move on.Life is too precious to be wasted in tears.

->If someone left you and left you wondering whatz the reason , I bet there should be no real reason worthwhile to know.Stop asking ,'Why me?'.It is probably their instinct that played havoc and now they missed you!

->If you think you are cranking up and being a pain to your loved ones, that is perfectly ok.You dont have to be good , understanding and a pleasure all the time.Let the guilt go...itz ok to crank up and your loved-ones would understand for sure.

->Letting go is probably the toughest lesson life gives.But once you master it, you ve it all.

->Never ever play the blame-game.No-one can ruin your life more than you.When your relationship or life is a wreck and you do a post-mortem , you will discover that it was simply you ...the choices you made.

->You just have one life , the best bet would be to fill it with as much love, light and laughter.

All that said , your life is what you live.Sure life comes with no guarantee , learning is on-the-job and change is inevitable.

But like I said before , if you had the option of being happy , why be anyway else :)

A snap-shot of me

Today was a day that tested my temper greatly but I saved it by hair-line...my composure.I always believe in the goodness of people - that everyone is striving to be good until there arises a situation that forces them other-wise.And thats one reason I hold my temper with such care.

I would have to agree with the fact that me opening up is limited to people with an acceptable frequency to me and to others I m merely silent and good.

Just when I try to be good...somethings make my work tougher... like mob-mentality (which makes it tough for me to sink in a gang), back-seat driving( I ve taken a vow never to get picky that way) , silly attitude ( which I should mercilessly ignore) , gossip , passing public judgements, pretence, ...may be one time or the other i am there...but i try not to hit those shores, atleast not quite so often that I would detest myself for that.

Thats for now...Take care.Have a lovely weekend.

I m gonna have one ;-)

Update from the weekend

Weekend was majorly filled with activities ...at the Itasca State Park

The following are the lessons/experiences:
-> If you are spinning up scary stories(especially about bear attacks) make sure they are not sooo real that you start believing them.Or, put yourself a reminder(Else you are gonna turn pale at your own shadow)

-> Dont hit the brakes where the roads are still wet (Courtesy: my biking
adventure...which came with a free swipe-out session)

-> If someone tells you something is tough ...dont believe until you had tried...even if that someone is you (Courtesy: Kayaking).

-> What you feel with your hand may not actually be what is true (I m talking about the damp grass on which I sat smack...and you know the rest of the story!)

-> When someone is really pushy and you are completely annoyed...dont put up too tough a fight...there might be actually doors opening to what you are capable of...rather than what you actually do.Then again personal discretion is the last word.

-> When you are in a new place ...with a new experience ...dont be lazy to take those extra snaps...you dont want to repent later!!!

-> If you get lost in the forest( like the one I went to)...that would be the best thing that can happen to you...far from the maddening crowd.And dont you panic...after all, they will find you.

-> Hiking with no shoes is a bad option...even wet sneakers would do.You never know how mean those slimy creatures can get and oh the mosquitoes!!

-> Be prepared for a fall when you wade through a river(with that unknown terrain beneath)...that way the fall is not all that miserable.It infact may turn out to be major fun.Little bruises dont hurt that much!!

->Lunching in the middle of the lake is soooo much fun (the word I wish I could use is 'romantic'...but is not applicable considering the scenario) with 6 enthused ppl, 2 sleepy kids and the menu reads -'Pulisaadam' ,'thayir saadam', 'Potato fry','chips'.

Best of all,
-> If you have the option of being happy...why be any way else!!!!

This is from today:
Did you know that 1 sec = 1000 milli-seconds and not 60? I dint until I had to set the maximum retries to 3 secs in milli-seconds('30000 milli-secs') !

Love and a learning soul...

I ve borne you in my heart;
Seeing us long before you saw me.
No, I dint give any fervent prayers.
I simply dint think that would happen...and it did.
For the cherub you were, you made loving you so easy-
filling the vacuum eroding my soul...I thought you really did.
I wonder how with every rain the skies dont fade.
I wish many a thing were like the skies...no fade or change.
But what I ask for is not what I would really want.
You are not a plant I weed nor a word I give to the air.
It hurts to rip you off ... but not as much that I cannot bear.
I know staying is not an option...and you ll learn it very soon.
Every seed must see the day-light and bask in the moon.
Before your wings get too big for the nest,
I give you to the winds and I know I do the best.
Dont you worry,you are going to be just fine.
And ...I ve learnt the vacuum to fill,
the job,...itz mine...I ll look within.