What started with love, ... guided by respect, thrives on communication. Communication is vital to keeping any relationship at glides. Relationships apart , communication, clear and honest, can make our everyday lives easy.
Communication involves 2 aspects - listening and speaking.Openness is inevitable to communication ...in both listening and speaking."Nonjudgmental" is the word I like to use here (and I would not deny the difficulty it presents in practising).
One lesson I picked up from a knowledgeable friend was that , " Always keep your ears open. What you listen may be obscure to you now.But no knowledge is use-less".
And with relationships, we kind-of get stuck and tamper the communication channel when we want to hear only the things we want to hear. When we become selective about what we want to hear , we close doors on people who count on us to hear ... and not mandating us to listen.If everyone thought like the other , it does not take two!!!
Many times, we all are struck by the urge to be good and not to hurt, that we speak things completely tangential to what we think.Well, the truth is that truth is all too powerful to stay sub-dued for long...and even if it is sub-dued , the effort it takes to keep it low is way too overwhelming.We will end up wishing we had it out in the first place.
It can be something as simple as a dead-line we might not meet or a party we dont want to show up at or a friend's attitude you resent or something as impactful as a job you want to quit or a relationship that is asking too much of you. Putting up with things will only worsen the wound.
Quite ironically, people find it easier to handle the truth than to take feel-good stuff. Have nt there been times when we were scared our wits out to say the truth and said it anyway, just to find rather surprising , better reactions? Well, that just is what I m talking about :-)
Do let me know what you think...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thought-farm - Seed 1
Itz more than a week now ...I ve been trying to sort things here at this blog.I am starting to feel I m over-doing that part and so here I start.
Remembering a lesson I was taught back in school ( as part of march-past ):
The two vital factors for any relationship - Love and Respect. Love is that factor that mellows the heart and makes it open up to both giving and receiving .And then 'respect' , that stands beyond all superfluous tones, is that which is reminds that the other person is as deserving as one is in the relationship , love inclusive. While love says, " You are my everything ...I ll do die for you", respect says , " You are important to me ... I ll be here around to make you happy".
Respect is more of a logical but mandatory factor.
It is not uncommon to see love being epitomised all over and hardly anyone speaks of 'respect'.The reason being as simple as, the heart is more vulnerable and convincible than the brain , and short-cuts never fail to allure!!
Love lets you take the first step forward, but respect is what keeps the journey going.
Love is beautiful , enchanting ...the holding-hands , the sharing , long drives , walks , sweet-nothings ...all of it.The feeling is way too over-powering to resist. And then there is aftermath ...tough times , mundane days , rough patches, when 'love' is the last thing on your mind.Respect is the rudder that drives the rough seas...to acknowledge that no-one is perfect , understanding that it is ok to falter , that everyone needs their own space, that wrong decisions lead to right ones , that it is ok to make mistakes and in sticking out for each other.
A check-list with these two factors can primarily help one judge where one is heading to...
Well , that is my first step forward on this series.Share your thoughts ... I would love to hear.
A quick glance on what all slipped-by while I was away from this space: Two birthday (one of it happens to be mine :-) ), my first-ever many things , a few tears and a couple of smiles.
Remembering a lesson I was taught back in school ( as part of march-past ):
The two vital factors for any relationship - Love and Respect. Love is that factor that mellows the heart and makes it open up to both giving and receiving .And then 'respect' , that stands beyond all superfluous tones, is that which is reminds that the other person is as deserving as one is in the relationship , love inclusive. While love says, " You are my everything ...I ll do die for you", respect says , " You are important to me ... I ll be here around to make you happy".
Respect is more of a logical but mandatory factor.
It is not uncommon to see love being epitomised all over and hardly anyone speaks of 'respect'.The reason being as simple as, the heart is more vulnerable and convincible than the brain , and short-cuts never fail to allure!!
Love lets you take the first step forward, but respect is what keeps the journey going.
Love is beautiful , enchanting ...the holding-hands , the sharing , long drives , walks , sweet-nothings ...all of it.The feeling is way too over-powering to resist. And then there is aftermath ...tough times , mundane days , rough patches, when 'love' is the last thing on your mind.Respect is the rudder that drives the rough seas...to acknowledge that no-one is perfect , understanding that it is ok to falter , that everyone needs their own space, that wrong decisions lead to right ones , that it is ok to make mistakes and in sticking out for each other.
A check-list with these two factors can primarily help one judge where one is heading to...
Well , that is my first step forward on this series.Share your thoughts ... I would love to hear.
A quick glance on what all slipped-by while I was away from this space: Two birthday (one of it happens to be mine :-) ), my first-ever many things , a few tears and a couple of smiles.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Re-defining this space
Off-late , I ve not been particularly happy about my blog....its not about the dwindling fan-fare ( which I dont have in the first place) or the lack of comments ...itz about what I write and the way I write. As a reader , I feel that my blog should be something more than what it is now...it should make some more sense and value-addition ...apart from the obvious fact that its my way of sharing.
I m choosing to be move away from being myopic.And my fascination for people and human relationships and my curiosity on those lines will be my source.I know that throwing myself at this possibility is a commitment...just like the one made on Oct 05 , 2004: To start a blog and keep it going.(Well, hope you dont go back there, into the attic ...I feel so funny about that post...embarrassed to be honest.)
I m going to take a while, may be a couple of days , to figure out how I want to structure my posts here-on.
While I do ground-work on my stuff, you stay warm and happy :-)
I m choosing to be move away from being myopic.And my fascination for people and human relationships and my curiosity on those lines will be my source.I know that throwing myself at this possibility is a commitment...just like the one made on Oct 05 , 2004: To start a blog and keep it going.(Well, hope you dont go back there, into the attic ...I feel so funny about that post...embarrassed to be honest.)
I m going to take a while, may be a couple of days , to figure out how I want to structure my posts here-on.
While I do ground-work on my stuff, you stay warm and happy :-)
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Whatz with me...
Itz been quite some days since I ve been away from my blog and not without reasons ( excuses?!) .The best bet would be to limit to just the obvious one - writer's block (laziness?!!)
Now that I ve bounced back I want to put down the stuff I ve been upto over the last couple of weeks.Believe it or not cooking was the in thing then...over the thanks-giving weekend and there after ;) Had friends (mine and his) over for dinner couple of times and I really enjoyed cooking the elaborate course(s). I love cooking :-) If you know me a nd are surprised ...dont be...more than a chore ...cooking is a creative medium...my canvas.I would go on starving rather than cook a regular meal...more so if itz just me.There was also a teeny-weeny slice of Thanks-giving shopping as well.
Last week I was upto some experiments with my spiritual self...getting myself to newer vistas..but looks like old habits die hard.I m more of logic than an open-mind.Still,somehow I m moved by the idea of having a faith so deep and strong enough to move you to tears ; A faith to hang on to when all your hopes have forsaken you.I yearn for an open mind and it remains an yearning.
Last week it was farewell time at office...lotsa people rolled-off.One person I miss a little more than I expected to miss is the Caribou Manager. Sure thing I ve not spoken as much...may be grabbing coffee together and occassional chats was all of my interaction with the guy. It saddens me to see someone else in his seat ...every morning (though the cubical was shared in past as well ...may be the fact that hez not gonna be in).I m thinking of a detour there.
The incident helped my discover that I can never be a contractor, I would be crying from one job to another. I m already starting to miss squistle...hes been my charm for the past several months.Saving my sanity ..not just with work.Times like this remind me:I do have a heart ( a fact I often get dubious of).
I ve become pathetic with my conversations.I ve developed quite a disability with speaking out what I think or feel.I ve an innate filtering system ( one I dint choose) ...either I dont want to sound silly , or vulnerable or opinionated or pathetic. And if ever I want to speak out something from my heart ...I go completely blank for words.And I end up simply smiling.Inside I simply choke.I m so unlike me?!!!!
I ve come to understand that our individual selves are greatly defined by the environment we are put into.When I m back home , I ll be my suny self :) Here itz too cold, I hardly feel like shining thru.
Well, itz the EOD after an exhausting weekend and the only thing I can do is to be done with this post and yawn.I m all tired and sleepy.The errands I ve ahead :-(
Oh did I tell you ..itz all snow here ... and feels like heaven!! Some time over this week I m gonna try walking on the lake behind my house ..itz all frozen :-)
Thatz for now...Ciao !!
Now that I ve bounced back I want to put down the stuff I ve been upto over the last couple of weeks.Believe it or not cooking was the in thing then...over the thanks-giving weekend and there after ;) Had friends (mine and his) over for dinner couple of times and I really enjoyed cooking the elaborate course(s). I love cooking :-) If you know me a nd are surprised ...dont be...more than a chore ...cooking is a creative medium...my canvas.I would go on starving rather than cook a regular meal...more so if itz just me.There was also a teeny-weeny slice of Thanks-giving shopping as well.
Last week I was upto some experiments with my spiritual self...getting myself to newer vistas..but looks like old habits die hard.I m more of logic than an open-mind.Still,somehow I m moved by the idea of having a faith so deep and strong enough to move you to tears ; A faith to hang on to when all your hopes have forsaken you.I yearn for an open mind and it remains an yearning.
Last week it was farewell time at office...lotsa people rolled-off.One person I miss a little more than I expected to miss is the Caribou Manager. Sure thing I ve not spoken as much...may be grabbing coffee together and occassional chats was all of my interaction with the guy. It saddens me to see someone else in his seat ...every morning (though the cubical was shared in past as well ...may be the fact that hez not gonna be in).I m thinking of a detour there.
The incident helped my discover that I can never be a contractor, I would be crying from one job to another. I m already starting to miss squistle...hes been my charm for the past several months.Saving my sanity ..not just with work.Times like this remind me:I do have a heart ( a fact I often get dubious of).
I ve become pathetic with my conversations.I ve developed quite a disability with speaking out what I think or feel.I ve an innate filtering system ( one I dint choose) ...either I dont want to sound silly , or vulnerable or opinionated or pathetic. And if ever I want to speak out something from my heart ...I go completely blank for words.And I end up simply smiling.Inside I simply choke.I m so unlike me?!!!!
I ve come to understand that our individual selves are greatly defined by the environment we are put into.When I m back home , I ll be my suny self :) Here itz too cold, I hardly feel like shining thru.
Well, itz the EOD after an exhausting weekend and the only thing I can do is to be done with this post and yawn.I m all tired and sleepy.The errands I ve ahead :-(
Oh did I tell you ..itz all snow here ... and feels like heaven!! Some time over this week I m gonna try walking on the lake behind my house ..itz all frozen :-)
Thatz for now...Ciao !!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Elemental love....
Every time you smiled I felt breeze.
With every step you took towards me,
I sensed my earth spin faster.
The shine in your eyes made my fire fiercer.
When I looked for a roof, you became my sky.
Now you walk away and it rains in my heart...
P.S: Funny how I manage to write poems like a school gurl :p
With every step you took towards me,
I sensed my earth spin faster.
The shine in your eyes made my fire fiercer.
When I looked for a roof, you became my sky.
Now you walk away and it rains in my heart...
P.S: Funny how I manage to write poems like a school gurl :p
Thursday, November 15, 2007
An aspiration...
There are some things in life that I simply cannot come to terms with.Sometimes itz not even things...its people.I ve to admit that I m awfully pathetic with my ability to being good for goodness sake.A hollow compliment for feel good sake does not come from me.Oh my ..the trouble it takes to get over with such critical situations ... situations that require a grey response instead of a black or white one.
And did I tell you about one person whose arrogance and attitude has managed to win my admiration as much as my demonition ? Well , there is this person who imagines oneself as standing beyond the comprehension of the species 'Homo-sapien'.May be its true ..may be its not.But what impresses me most is simply the effort to get there.I would fall head o'er heels for any person who can stand beyond situations, emotions, bondings ...unperturbed.The reason being my inability to step into that haven.
I imagine the feeling would be angelic...expansive..being too complete to be hurt; too generous to hurt.Can anyone be too complete or too generous?I think I ll leave that question open-ended for what I call ... 'now'.
Today, I m full of thoughts.Without a paper and pen, I would have choked.I really have nt thought about why I write.An obvious reason is that I love writing and may be one of the not-so-obvious reasons is this: To save myself from drowning in my own thoughts.
Itz been quite a rant from me today ..is it not?Its because today was one such day...my thinking was on crest and my tolenrence on trough.
Another thing I liked about having done today is leaving my book behind.That left me with no choice other than to think.And I also enjoyed the idea of watching myself and observing my thought-flow.Eventually I ll get to a point where I can actually control them....the multitudinous thoughts.
I aspire to be angelic...to be too generous...too complete...to stand beyond the idea of appreciation or criticism ...love or hate ...or winning or losing...beyond all dichotomy that have ever been discovered.
Thatz from me for now...Ciao!!!!
And did I tell you about one person whose arrogance and attitude has managed to win my admiration as much as my demonition ? Well , there is this person who imagines oneself as standing beyond the comprehension of the species 'Homo-sapien'.May be its true ..may be its not.But what impresses me most is simply the effort to get there.I would fall head o'er heels for any person who can stand beyond situations, emotions, bondings ...unperturbed.The reason being my inability to step into that haven.
I imagine the feeling would be angelic...expansive..being too complete to be hurt; too generous to hurt.Can anyone be too complete or too generous?I think I ll leave that question open-ended for what I call ... 'now'.
Today, I m full of thoughts.Without a paper and pen, I would have choked.I really have nt thought about why I write.An obvious reason is that I love writing and may be one of the not-so-obvious reasons is this: To save myself from drowning in my own thoughts.
Itz been quite a rant from me today ..is it not?Its because today was one such day...my thinking was on crest and my tolenrence on trough.
Another thing I liked about having done today is leaving my book behind.That left me with no choice other than to think.And I also enjoyed the idea of watching myself and observing my thought-flow.Eventually I ll get to a point where I can actually control them....the multitudinous thoughts.
I aspire to be angelic...to be too generous...too complete...to stand beyond the idea of appreciation or criticism ...love or hate ...or winning or losing...beyond all dichotomy that have ever been discovered.
Thatz from me for now...Ciao!!!!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Mad about life...
When I feel hollow with-in,
when earth takes me for quite a spin,
when my days are of shades grey and blue,
when my heart pines for a brighter hue,
a little sun-shine , snow,
chai-latte or may be a rainbow,
I close my eyes and remember life,
the little smiles strewn my way.
Not a single day of mine sways by without a smile,
every aching step takes me to a further mile,
and I know life still is worth every bit of it,
through the streaks of tears and the victory smiles!!
I am mad about life !!!
when earth takes me for quite a spin,
when my days are of shades grey and blue,
when my heart pines for a brighter hue,
a little sun-shine , snow,
chai-latte or may be a rainbow,
I close my eyes and remember life,
the little smiles strewn my way.
Not a single day of mine sways by without a smile,
every aching step takes me to a further mile,
and I know life still is worth every bit of it,
through the streaks of tears and the victory smiles!!
I am mad about life !!!
Friday, November 09, 2007
A Not-so-live update...
Today we had a kitty party , with close to 15 ladies and half a dozen kids.A nice happy get-together ...into which I managed to sneak during my lunch-break,armed with the strawberry cheese cake and green-gram what-ever(innovation happened there!!).Just when I thought I was all-set to join the band-wagon ,with recipes and nice chatter...I discovered my mind had gone blank.
My interactions both at work and at a personal level , has mostly been with the 'X' gen.The few girl (special) friends I have , we are seldom into girl talk. And today I realised what a great disadvantage I was at.And when I shared my woe with a bird of my flock, I knew I had company.But she had a different situation to handle ...a language barrier.
Nevertheless the party was nice fun ...so many different cultures coming together ,
so many kids , funny noises...too many to classify as a howl or squeal:) The not-so-proficient cook that I am, I liked it when the kids liked the chesse cake. I should work more on my cooking ...and more than that ... grooming the gentler side of my gender.Thatz where I need to get back to!!!!
Well, thatz for now...happy-weekend!!!
Oh ..I almost forgot ...belated Diwali wishes!!!
Wishing you the warmth of love ...all year through ..and more light and laughter
to fill your days!!!
My interactions both at work and at a personal level , has mostly been with the 'X' gen.The few girl (special) friends I have , we are seldom into girl talk. And today I realised what a great disadvantage I was at.And when I shared my woe with a bird of my flock, I knew I had company.But she had a different situation to handle ...a language barrier.
Nevertheless the party was nice fun ...so many different cultures coming together ,
so many kids , funny noises...too many to classify as a howl or squeal:) The not-so-proficient cook that I am, I liked it when the kids liked the chesse cake. I should work more on my cooking ...and more than that ... grooming the gentler side of my gender.Thatz where I need to get back to!!!!
Well, thatz for now...happy-weekend!!!
Oh ..I almost forgot ...belated Diwali wishes!!!
Wishing you the warmth of love ...all year through ..and more light and laughter
to fill your days!!!
Monday, November 05, 2007
First snow :-)
Itz Monday and I got to work with nothing short of a bad-mood.Work no longer seems very appealing ...even music seems to fail in pepping up my spirit.Everyone (well,.. almost everyone) around appear to share my enthusiasm.This morning I was hoping for a little sign of hope,that life still makes sense...something to make me happy...some reason to walk the way.
Its almost like the heavens have ears ...it snowed !!! I got to see the first snow for the season.Took a short stroll to get as much snow on me...felt like a cookie getting sprinkled with sugar :-) Life has beautiful ways bringing sun-shine into our days...aint it?
I have so very many things to share ...but just when I sat down to blog , my spirits hit low and I opt out of the idea.Would find enough enthusiasm to pen my thoughts sometime.
An update from the obsessive chocoholic : For my sweet-tooth appeasing, I ve moved from my favourite mint patties to special dark kisses from Hershey's. Friends say too much of mint is not good for me.Google dint have much to say on that...but even I felt I ve not been feeling particularly good after downing around 30 mint patties a day.
Now, that lunch is done, I will get back to work, try and have as much done.
Ciao!!!
Its almost like the heavens have ears ...it snowed !!! I got to see the first snow for the season.Took a short stroll to get as much snow on me...felt like a cookie getting sprinkled with sugar :-) Life has beautiful ways bringing sun-shine into our days...aint it?
I have so very many things to share ...but just when I sat down to blog , my spirits hit low and I opt out of the idea.Would find enough enthusiasm to pen my thoughts sometime.
An update from the obsessive chocoholic : For my sweet-tooth appeasing, I ve moved from my favourite mint patties to special dark kisses from Hershey's. Friends say too much of mint is not good for me.Google dint have much to say on that...but even I felt I ve not been feeling particularly good after downing around 30 mint patties a day.
Now, that lunch is done, I will get back to work, try and have as much done.
Ciao!!!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Snap-shot of me...
Its really lovely the way life inspires us... through simple things , unusual places, casual conversations, lazy blog-hopping, strangers or random browsing...I simply love
every bit of it.
Oh , its difficult to handle me when I m inspired ...I get very rest-less and then want things rolling right then...and you should ask me what I m inspired to....mostly reading...time and again.I am at office now ...all inspired ...and you know the rest..dont you?!!!!
Yet another thing to go back to is story-telling...since there are nt any kids around to put at stake,I am my own audience.And friends who know, know of my eccentricity ...that I get chatty with myself.The best person I love to converse with is me :-)
Off-late I ve got myself into this habit of piling up books on my bed-side table...and then devour them like I ve never read before.Sometimes it is random picks,the genre does not matter ...and then the ones that get hunt-down based on reviews from friends.I am so glad that there are soo many around to share the titles with me.
The illustrated story-book for Vinay is a pending project I ve to get back to.Looks like hez gonna be all grown-up by the time the book is in place.Its just that there are too many characters that I ve thought out and am yet to figure out the scheme to fit them in place.
May be I ll post my stories here in my blog...someday ...not very far...
Until then...stay inspired...life is beautiful...
Current mood: ***** Happy , contented, dreamy, inspired *****
every bit of it.
Oh , its difficult to handle me when I m inspired ...I get very rest-less and then want things rolling right then...and you should ask me what I m inspired to....mostly reading...time and again.I am at office now ...all inspired ...and you know the rest..dont you?!!!!
Yet another thing to go back to is story-telling...since there are nt any kids around to put at stake,I am my own audience.And friends who know, know of my eccentricity ...that I get chatty with myself.The best person I love to converse with is me :-)
Off-late I ve got myself into this habit of piling up books on my bed-side table...and then devour them like I ve never read before.Sometimes it is random picks,the genre does not matter ...and then the ones that get hunt-down based on reviews from friends.I am so glad that there are soo many around to share the titles with me.
The illustrated story-book for Vinay is a pending project I ve to get back to.Looks like hez gonna be all grown-up by the time the book is in place.Its just that there are too many characters that I ve thought out and am yet to figure out the scheme to fit them in place.
May be I ll post my stories here in my blog...someday ...not very far...
Until then...stay inspired...life is beautiful...
Current mood: ***** Happy , contented, dreamy, inspired *****
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
And I learnt what is love...
Back when I was little, I was a pampered , loved child, with lotsa loving souls and great friends around.From there on I grew up into a bag of oddities...mostly a rebel.But one thing I ve never changed is about the whirl-pools of confusions I breed within.Funny , sometimes I think as if therez not going to be another day?!!!
Well, having had love all around , I entered my wed-lock with not much expectations, or may be quite critical of what more good the institution can bring forth? For me it was a social obligation.Nothing more.
Itz 2 years since that happened and now I look back and realize how much meaning the other person has brought into my so called "social obligation".And any credit to me on that front would be unfair.
All along , I thought marital Love is about smiles, hugs, roses, endearing words, long drives, candle-lit dinner, big dreams , professing, passion, romance , cuddling together for a movie, ...and I realise I m light years from reality.Those are reminiscent thoughts from an over-enthused teenager.
He taught me what love is:
Love is when in the first week of marriage I say , "May be I should have waited...", and he says," Take your time to think.I ll wait".
Love is when I fall sick and he tries to help and I scream "Leave me alone " ...he simply stands away, hiding his concern, trying to ease me back to sanity.
Love is when he says, " I m there for you", after a series of nerve-wrecks I ve put him through.
Love is about his wanting to see happiness in my face , no matter where /who the source is.
Love is about the many reminders he gives , despite my irrational and rude resistance , knowing I would need them.
Love is about listening to my incessant monologues , mostly consisting of bickerings, whimpers, fears, complaints , with frequent smudges of tears...all this thru the late hours , with all the loads of work to deal with the next day.
Love is about his telling, "I m feeling hungry..I gotto go", to let me get some sleep , when I was all about a drunken conversation...
Love is when he asks," Do you love me?" and I say,"Konjam".And he says "Thatz ok for now.We will make it 'more' someday".
Love is his patience when I go head-over-heels for a friend or my folk and absolute indifference when it is him.
Love is about his forgiving my bluntness in the name of frankness.
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4
I v e learnt Love better with life...thanks to the decision I took 2 years ago...without a thought.
Habits die hard...nevertheless I ve decided to try..to break away from my oddities, mistakes,mixed-up thinking, irrational spurts of over-reactions...do a formatting of my disk.Its high-time I pitched in...after all , marriage is not a "social obligation" ;-)
Again, this might irk you ...but this is what I thought: "In a strange sense , my being a brat got me to this episode...which I would like to call , 'awakening '."
Me and my dirty, self-indulgent ego...how hard I try to justify?!!!
Writing all this with the earnest hope that he would not come here...unless I pestered him to...
And Madhu , if you are here ...dont ever tell me that!!! And, Thank you for loving me the way you love me...
Well, having had love all around , I entered my wed-lock with not much expectations, or may be quite critical of what more good the institution can bring forth? For me it was a social obligation.Nothing more.
Itz 2 years since that happened and now I look back and realize how much meaning the other person has brought into my so called "social obligation".And any credit to me on that front would be unfair.
All along , I thought marital Love is about smiles, hugs, roses, endearing words, long drives, candle-lit dinner, big dreams , professing, passion, romance , cuddling together for a movie, ...and I realise I m light years from reality.Those are reminiscent thoughts from an over-enthused teenager.
He taught me what love is:
Love is when in the first week of marriage I say , "May be I should have waited...", and he says," Take your time to think.I ll wait".
Love is when I fall sick and he tries to help and I scream "Leave me alone " ...he simply stands away, hiding his concern, trying to ease me back to sanity.
Love is when he says, " I m there for you", after a series of nerve-wrecks I ve put him through.
Love is about his wanting to see happiness in my face , no matter where /who the source is.
Love is about the many reminders he gives , despite my irrational and rude resistance , knowing I would need them.
Love is about listening to my incessant monologues , mostly consisting of bickerings, whimpers, fears, complaints , with frequent smudges of tears...all this thru the late hours , with all the loads of work to deal with the next day.
Love is about his telling, "I m feeling hungry..I gotto go", to let me get some sleep , when I was all about a drunken conversation...
Love is when he asks," Do you love me?" and I say,"Konjam".And he says "Thatz ok for now.We will make it 'more' someday".
Love is his patience when I go head-over-heels for a friend or my folk and absolute indifference when it is him.
Love is about his forgiving my bluntness in the name of frankness.
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4
I v e learnt Love better with life...thanks to the decision I took 2 years ago...without a thought.
Habits die hard...nevertheless I ve decided to try..to break away from my oddities, mistakes,mixed-up thinking, irrational spurts of over-reactions...do a formatting of my disk.Its high-time I pitched in...after all , marriage is not a "social obligation" ;-)
Again, this might irk you ...but this is what I thought: "In a strange sense , my being a brat got me to this episode...which I would like to call , 'awakening '."
Me and my dirty, self-indulgent ego...how hard I try to justify?!!!
Writing all this with the earnest hope that he would not come here...unless I pestered him to...
And Madhu , if you are here ...dont ever tell me that!!! And, Thank you for loving me the way you love me...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Life needs more...
You dont have to ask a 'sorry' for me to forgive.
I am quite incapable of doing anything other than that.
Or may be I can forget.
You know, therez this funny thing about love:
Just as..when its someone you love, little things
can seem more special and simple words can mean a lot.
Little hurts ...ache so much ;
Faint fault-lines broaden the wedge.
You have more love than my heart can hold;
I am a colder person , a truth I dont deny.
I prefer a cold heart to breaking one.
May be you have your own questions.
Everyone has their own....questions and pain.
I am confused as ever ...But the pain,
it is sharp and clear.
I close my eyes and feel it throb.
And, I remember why I chose to keep away.
I ve not judged you to stop loving you.
Still , I ll remember my decision.
True...you dont have to explain yourself,
I know you much better than you can explain.
But I ve to tell you about the greater lesson that you taught:
Love is just not enough.
Life needs more.
I am quite incapable of doing anything other than that.
Or may be I can forget.
You know, therez this funny thing about love:
Just as..when its someone you love, little things
can seem more special and simple words can mean a lot.
Little hurts ...ache so much ;
Faint fault-lines broaden the wedge.
You have more love than my heart can hold;
I am a colder person , a truth I dont deny.
I prefer a cold heart to breaking one.
May be you have your own questions.
Everyone has their own....questions and pain.
I am confused as ever ...But the pain,
it is sharp and clear.
I close my eyes and feel it throb.
And, I remember why I chose to keep away.
I ve not judged you to stop loving you.
Still , I ll remember my decision.
True...you dont have to explain yourself,
I know you much better than you can explain.
But I ve to tell you about the greater lesson that you taught:
Love is just not enough.
Life needs more.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Just when I need it ...
I see this as todays' quote :
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."
-Marie Curie
Do I call this coincidence or divine intervention ?
Whatever it is , I am grateful for that ...
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."
-Marie Curie
Do I call this coincidence or divine intervention ?
Whatever it is , I am grateful for that ...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
So long...good night ...
Funny Ashu had to flick back my sense of time to life...I m very much here ...work and life keep my hands full...but the most demanding is my thinking.I m almost an insomniac...blame it on my thinking!!
I m not hurt , angry ,upset,ambitious, planning or doing anything quite sensible.But just when I want to turn my thinking off, I ve a thousand thoughts flashing by.So random , so exhausting.Itz been quite some days since I ve slept well.This simply is nt me!!THIS is me!!! I can sleep straight for 11 hours, just about any time I decide to!!!
This might be out of place,nevertheless, wanted to quote my best friend:
" Biriyani is delicious and good when you have it once in a while.
Not every day.
White rice is not all that rich and tasty,
But thatz what will keep us going everyday , without any harm".
The simplicity and sensibility of his statement makes me smile.I should learn to appreciate the very many simple, humble things that I take for granted.
My over-worked brain is just too tired now...guess it will be a good night's sleep for me tonight :-)
Let our dreams meet and dance in their wakefulness ...sleep thee well !!!
I m not hurt , angry ,upset,ambitious, planning or doing anything quite sensible.But just when I want to turn my thinking off, I ve a thousand thoughts flashing by.So random , so exhausting.Itz been quite some days since I ve slept well.This simply is nt me!!THIS is me!!! I can sleep straight for 11 hours, just about any time I decide to!!!
This might be out of place,nevertheless, wanted to quote my best friend:
" Biriyani is delicious and good when you have it once in a while.
Not every day.
White rice is not all that rich and tasty,
But thatz what will keep us going everyday , without any harm".
The simplicity and sensibility of his statement makes me smile.I should learn to appreciate the very many simple, humble things that I take for granted.
My over-worked brain is just too tired now...guess it will be a good night's sleep for me tonight :-)
Let our dreams meet and dance in their wakefulness ...sleep thee well !!!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
A snap-shot of me...
It is funny the way things like familiar music , food , fragrances and familiar routines makes one feel at home.
I m at office , working as I am listening to music , and just the familiar music
makes me feel I m back in my home country.For a while I forget that I m exactly on the other side of the world :-)
Enjoying this idea of drowning myself in the cocktail of work and music ...the whole thing is so intoxicating ...I m having a private party here !!!
Can a day get any better ?
Sometimes I prefer contentment to joy...today is one such day.
I m at office , working as I am listening to music , and just the familiar music
makes me feel I m back in my home country.For a while I forget that I m exactly on the other side of the world :-)
Enjoying this idea of drowning myself in the cocktail of work and music ...the whole thing is so intoxicating ...I m having a private party here !!!
Can a day get any better ?
Sometimes I prefer contentment to joy...today is one such day.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
My sunday life
This weekend taught me one more lesson ...initially ...probably a month ago ..I had big plans.But then ...this weekend ...sitting down as I type this post , I realise,"Man proposes ;God disposes". I realise that I donot have control over my next milli-second.
And now about my sunday :
7.30: Rise and Shine
8.00 : Calls and voip talks with folks in India and voice chat and communication of all form...howling, scowling inclusive ;-)
9.30 to 11.30: Prayer meeting...quite an unusual place for a not-so-religious person
like me.I believe in God ...not religions.But this place was close-by my library and I thought I ll just drop in to see whatz up with life at that corner.And I really liked it there.I had no prapers to offer...just gratitude in bounty.I like the music they played and the lead singer was good.And I enjoyed the sing-alongs.
11.30 to 2.00 : County library ...hoaged and enjoyed a hazel-nut coffee , a good read , a little hunt for books, and then sat down to enjoy the rains.And I love watching the rains.Its been pouring rains ...on and off ...from the morning .Infact the entire week has been like that.
2.00 to 4.00 : Shopped for winter clothing with 3 other friends of the hasty gender.They call it time-conscious and I call them hasty.I m done shopping for the winter.Next time , someone please boo if I go shopping for clothes.
4.30: Enjoyed a nice , hot chai latte from a friend's and popped half a crocin , for the head-ache and throat-ache that started couple of hours ago.
4.45: Bloggin on my friend's system , listening to him teasing me about the choice of books from the library...I got 5 of them today. One is a recommended title from Pooj .."One hundred years of solitude". Rest were random picks.
And the rest of the day looks like I ll do a bit of yapping and then head home to crash for a good-night's sleep.Here I go...forgetting the realisation I had in the first place....
This is where I am now...next moment I m not sure.
This moment I m here...I m alive and contented ...though not happy.Hope my throat-ache leaves me soon.
Today is a good day to live :-)
And now about my sunday :
7.30: Rise and Shine
8.00 : Calls and voip talks with folks in India and voice chat and communication of all form...howling, scowling inclusive ;-)
9.30 to 11.30: Prayer meeting...quite an unusual place for a not-so-religious person
like me.I believe in God ...not religions.But this place was close-by my library and I thought I ll just drop in to see whatz up with life at that corner.And I really liked it there.I had no prapers to offer...just gratitude in bounty.I like the music they played and the lead singer was good.And I enjoyed the sing-alongs.
11.30 to 2.00 : County library ...hoaged and enjoyed a hazel-nut coffee , a good read , a little hunt for books, and then sat down to enjoy the rains.And I love watching the rains.Its been pouring rains ...on and off ...from the morning .Infact the entire week has been like that.
2.00 to 4.00 : Shopped for winter clothing with 3 other friends of the hasty gender.They call it time-conscious and I call them hasty.I m done shopping for the winter.Next time , someone please boo if I go shopping for clothes.
4.30: Enjoyed a nice , hot chai latte from a friend's and popped half a crocin , for the head-ache and throat-ache that started couple of hours ago.
4.45: Bloggin on my friend's system , listening to him teasing me about the choice of books from the library...I got 5 of them today. One is a recommended title from Pooj .."One hundred years of solitude". Rest were random picks.
And the rest of the day looks like I ll do a bit of yapping and then head home to crash for a good-night's sleep.Here I go...forgetting the realisation I had in the first place....
This is where I am now...next moment I m not sure.
This moment I m here...I m alive and contented ...though not happy.Hope my throat-ache leaves me soon.
Today is a good day to live :-)
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Too lazy to think of a title..
If you were my friend, I would walk with you,
rattling every single metal off my mind;
if you were my colleague we could give each other a nod,
And gladly crib about the bugs and looming dead-lines;
if you were my enemy I can brew hatred
and with all evil pleasure , drown you, the beast;
if you were a stranger I would have blown you a smile,
or may be chatted for while;
You are not any of these, but still you haunt my days,
like a dementor , a shadow ... a ghost.
Crawling through my days, casting your darkness
every now and then ,breaking my smile just when it blooms.
No... that just is not what you do...therez more:
Sometimes your goodness scares me ...I fear intentions.
Through your rude words and wrecking comments,
I see care...camouflaged.
There was a time I was scared of you
for the brilliance that you held;
The scare has not changed...just the reason:
You can break me from within.
In bellowing words ....loud and clear,
now I know ...it never was meant to be.
Hidden from prying eyes ,within my secrets walls,
I wish I could mean what I say.
I know I never ever will get there.
I am incapable of hating you...not just you,
anyone for that matter.
If you think I hinted my love saying that,
you are terribly mistaken,
I dont take the same lesson twice;
You made me so...worldy-wise.
Those I love , I see them through my heart,
others ...just through my eyes.
For you , my eyes would do.
P.S: I am at this point of time (I might mean just today), ...numb,in a care-a-damn mind-set , or may be just too tired...one thing for sure I am not ...angry at anyone(self included).This piece is just shot-off from the impatient, restless part of me , may be a stress-buster.If we know each other and you know the weird ways I think ,you should know what to do when I say,"Dont give this a thought".Trust me.This is no tirade.
rattling every single metal off my mind;
if you were my colleague we could give each other a nod,
And gladly crib about the bugs and looming dead-lines;
if you were my enemy I can brew hatred
and with all evil pleasure , drown you, the beast;
if you were a stranger I would have blown you a smile,
or may be chatted for while;
You are not any of these, but still you haunt my days,
like a dementor , a shadow ... a ghost.
Crawling through my days, casting your darkness
every now and then ,breaking my smile just when it blooms.
No... that just is not what you do...therez more:
Sometimes your goodness scares me ...I fear intentions.
Through your rude words and wrecking comments,
I see care...camouflaged.
There was a time I was scared of you
for the brilliance that you held;
The scare has not changed...just the reason:
You can break me from within.
In bellowing words ....loud and clear,
now I know ...it never was meant to be.
Hidden from prying eyes ,within my secrets walls,
I wish I could mean what I say.
I know I never ever will get there.
I am incapable of hating you...not just you,
anyone for that matter.
If you think I hinted my love saying that,
you are terribly mistaken,
I dont take the same lesson twice;
You made me so...worldy-wise.
Those I love , I see them through my heart,
others ...just through my eyes.
For you , my eyes would do.
P.S: I am at this point of time (I might mean just today), ...numb,in a care-a-damn mind-set , or may be just too tired...one thing for sure I am not ...angry at anyone(self included).This piece is just shot-off from the impatient, restless part of me , may be a stress-buster.If we know each other and you know the weird ways I think ,you should know what to do when I say,"Dont give this a thought".Trust me.This is no tirade.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Smiling through the night :-)
Well , if you thought something inside my head cranked up ...may be you are right...but to me it does not matter.
I am happy :-)
I ve always been a lucky little brat ..always surrounded by the best of people ...whether itz the someone I do crazy things with ( like walking on a main street...wading through the waters ..with foot-wear in hand ;) ) , or the someone on whose lap I lie down and cry , or the someone with whom I talk through the night as if there would not be another day , or the someone with whom I walked down the university ...hand in hand , or the someone who makes me laugh , or the someone whoz Dharma to the me whoz Grey ,or the someone with whom I relish noodles,music and tang and sweet nothings until it is dawn , or the someone to whom I can simply say "I hate you " and know that I would be understood , or the someone with whom I ve been a partner in crime , or the butterfly whoz my online sanity-saver or the someone who taught me my life's biggest lesson, ...each one of them....
Sometimes the joy is overwhelming ...humbling ...to realise that I ve been just more than blessed ...
3 years ago I would ve jumped in joy ... these days I ve lost my insanity ...I can only smile ... a well-thought , calm , smile ...full of gratitude and contentment.But I ve not abandoned my weridity ..right in the middle of the night (the time is 1.35 CST) , thinking of all my special people and smiling.
I like this crazy part of me ...crying as to fill the world's oceans..and rejoicing as if all heavens were let loose...That simply is me :-)
I m enjoying it here...this planet is a great place to be !!!!
What ya say?
P.S: Just one more thing for me to feel lucky about ...the auto-save in blogger that kept in-tact this post through the cranky net session.I almost thought I lost this all...
I am happy :-)
I ve always been a lucky little brat ..always surrounded by the best of people ...whether itz the someone I do crazy things with ( like walking on a main street...wading through the waters ..with foot-wear in hand ;) ) , or the someone on whose lap I lie down and cry , or the someone with whom I talk through the night as if there would not be another day , or the someone with whom I walked down the university ...hand in hand , or the someone who makes me laugh , or the someone whoz Dharma to the me whoz Grey ,or the someone with whom I relish noodles,music and tang and sweet nothings until it is dawn , or the someone to whom I can simply say "I hate you " and know that I would be understood , or the someone with whom I ve been a partner in crime , or the butterfly whoz my online sanity-saver or the someone who taught me my life's biggest lesson, ...each one of them....
Sometimes the joy is overwhelming ...humbling ...to realise that I ve been just more than blessed ...
3 years ago I would ve jumped in joy ... these days I ve lost my insanity ...I can only smile ... a well-thought , calm , smile ...full of gratitude and contentment.But I ve not abandoned my weridity ..right in the middle of the night (the time is 1.35 CST) , thinking of all my special people and smiling.
I like this crazy part of me ...crying as to fill the world's oceans..and rejoicing as if all heavens were let loose...That simply is me :-)
I m enjoying it here...this planet is a great place to be !!!!
What ya say?
P.S: Just one more thing for me to feel lucky about ...the auto-save in blogger that kept in-tact this post through the cranky net session.I almost thought I lost this all...
Monday, September 24, 2007
A snap-shot of me
After a long time , I feel fear and overwhelmed by an emotion I cannot give a name or explain.But I just aint feeling good.I m that kind of person ...who gets scared for things I dont know ...for reasons not very obvious.I am not very good at tracking down the trigger.I know therez one.May be itz the tough day I had been through.
Just when I want to have my folks around me ...atleast at calling distance ...I ve misplaced my cell-phone.A night without my cell-phone is ok....but just not tonight.
Trying hard to save my sanity and that is the very reason that this post is happening now.
I dont want to consider the option of chatting for the simple reason that I m going to startle my people when out of the blue I say ,"I m scared".Chat is a tough medium to relate on an emotional level.
I know everything is going to be just fine.I just have to believe what I know.Now , I ll go bury my head in my pillows....my thoughts ..I dont know what to do with them..
On a lighter note ...tears are good for me...they keep my eyes nice , clean and moist :-)
Chao....
Just when I want to have my folks around me ...atleast at calling distance ...I ve misplaced my cell-phone.A night without my cell-phone is ok....but just not tonight.
Trying hard to save my sanity and that is the very reason that this post is happening now.
I dont want to consider the option of chatting for the simple reason that I m going to startle my people when out of the blue I say ,"I m scared".Chat is a tough medium to relate on an emotional level.
I know everything is going to be just fine.I just have to believe what I know.Now , I ll go bury my head in my pillows....my thoughts ..I dont know what to do with them..
On a lighter note ...tears are good for me...they keep my eyes nice , clean and moist :-)
Chao....
Saturday, September 22, 2007
An update and few more thoughts
The last couple of weeks had been quite eventful...new places , new people , known people with new faces , new experiences ...thatz a lot of learning for a short span.
The weekend before the previous (Sep 9, 2007) , had been to Doug's beautiful lake cabin. Did quite a bit of adventure stuff...tubing and water -skiing.Well with skiing , I was almost there :) When in the waters , I feel at home ..( ofcourse with my life jacket on).I enjoyed the part where I got a little more adventurous going under the boat to untangle the tubing-rope from the rudder.Should learn swimming sometime.
With some people , you spend quite so much time together ...but not vocalize any bonding and therez no path together.But its good , two parallel paths ...no merging , no crossing , free-to-divulge ...and yet together.Time and again I realise any good relationship makes the people in it , independent and each other special.
And then there are others with whom you had once walked the same path together holding hands, though now the path has forked .And when the paths cross again , the
warmth comes back into the heart.But then you know it at heart , it may not last.It rather not.This wary makes the bond more of logic than emotional.
Oh..and then the other kind ..who vocalize so very much and give you the feel good pleasure.The best bet is to do the learning and move on.It does not hurt to love.But where love ends , hurt is inevitable. Itz ok to get hurt once in a while.You will remember you still have a heart...and that you still are vulnerable.
Last weekend (Sep 15 , 16) I had been to Chicago , which I would not call an eventful trip ...but rather an adventurous one.What else would you call one where the major part was getting lost ?! But fun is fun ...even when you are lost.
This weekend ..the one thatz happening now , is kinda laid-back , recuperation , relaxing and dreaming ...and I m enjoying it this way.The best part is I actually am making up for all the thinking which I missed the last couple of weekends.
Well , at this point this is more than an update ...thatz live news :-) I ll take leave with that.Have a great weekend all!!!
The weekend before the previous (Sep 9, 2007) , had been to Doug's beautiful lake cabin. Did quite a bit of adventure stuff...tubing and water -skiing.Well with skiing , I was almost there :) When in the waters , I feel at home ..( ofcourse with my life jacket on).I enjoyed the part where I got a little more adventurous going under the boat to untangle the tubing-rope from the rudder.Should learn swimming sometime.
With some people , you spend quite so much time together ...but not vocalize any bonding and therez no path together.But its good , two parallel paths ...no merging , no crossing , free-to-divulge ...and yet together.Time and again I realise any good relationship makes the people in it , independent and each other special.
And then there are others with whom you had once walked the same path together holding hands, though now the path has forked .And when the paths cross again , the
warmth comes back into the heart.But then you know it at heart , it may not last.It rather not.This wary makes the bond more of logic than emotional.
Oh..and then the other kind ..who vocalize so very much and give you the feel good pleasure.The best bet is to do the learning and move on.It does not hurt to love.But where love ends , hurt is inevitable. Itz ok to get hurt once in a while.You will remember you still have a heart...and that you still are vulnerable.
Last weekend (Sep 15 , 16) I had been to Chicago , which I would not call an eventful trip ...but rather an adventurous one.What else would you call one where the major part was getting lost ?! But fun is fun ...even when you are lost.
This weekend ..the one thatz happening now , is kinda laid-back , recuperation , relaxing and dreaming ...and I m enjoying it this way.The best part is I actually am making up for all the thinking which I missed the last couple of weekends.
Well , at this point this is more than an update ...thatz live news :-) I ll take leave with that.Have a great weekend all!!!
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