A life to learn

My grand-ma went into a lasting slumber on June 7, 2012.

As much as I am missing her , I was thinking about the numerous lives she has touched.Hers was a humble beginning and she carried that humility all along.She was not all that educated, but I am yet to meet another woman so sure of her-self , strong and gentle.

 I seriously have a difficulty comprehending ...how can someone be so fragile and yet so strong , so innocent and yet so self-sure.

My grand-parents'  lives are lessons to me. I can never get there ...but I sure can make my life more sensible with the learning.

Of the many , the most important lesson I need is to learn to forgive. For me "forgiveness" is the toughest. Though I donot carry the bitterness or hatred around, I find it very difficult to let go of the hurt.It is almost like that hurt part of me is so hurt and numb with scar that it can never warm up from within.I simply cannot stop asking the question "why?".

I am just so thankful for all the times spent with my grand-parents...I have basked in their love and compassion , the words of wisdom ,heart-warming jestures,  had insightful conversations, good times and great memories.

They were a loving couple and with this togetherness , it will only get better.

My take on parenting

I have always been a sun-shine person....everyone who knows me knows that.(yeah yeah ...there are cloudy moments too...) But all along I am a happy person,  incapable of sulking for long and even as a kid I loved pups and babies. I took good care of my pups...loving them to pieces.So my less-evovled self came up with this theory: "If I can be so good with puppies and if every kid likes me, I would make a super-cool mom... fun and firm , one that my kid(s) would adore".

Years roll by and a little torando sweeps up all the trashy theories out of my life ....including the one above. My little girl , she ever so bluntly brushes away all signs of my intellectual capacities.

Long time ago I believed children are like clay and that the responsibility of moulding them lies with parents.Now I have come to believe that parents ought to be more of facilitators than doers.Kids...they have it all in them.

Everyday I ve a lot to unlearn ...out-dated thoughts to eliminate, realities of parenthood to accept and most of all embrace...willingly or otherwise... the changes she brings in me.She literally is shaping the mommy in me. Everyday I think hard ( google if required) to give her appropriate responses, to dissipate power-struggles and to entertain her satisfyingly.Never knew contemplating can be this exhausting ( that I feel my brain weary and parched).

Some days are tougher than the others...but with a glimpse of her sweet slumber everything makes sense. Parenting is the toughest thing ever...

Some thoughts and after-thoughts

Past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me.I donot remember my long-gone IT day-job being this demanding!! Being at home presents me with so many opportunities... to improve our home,to gladden the LO, to fill the void of my intellectual time-off and to do the things that can be brushed aside as "outcome-less"( if there is such a word..I am too lazy to look-up :)

I have been breeding desperation and anxiety ...for very many reasons.I really have to think it through.My desperation and anxiety are not going to take me anywhere.I have to calm down, write down the possibilities that can be worked-out and take action.What I need is a LIST!!!!I am so much in control when there is a list to go by.Do you feel the same? Does a list make you feel "clear-in-the-head"?

Well , I gotto go now...oh about the after-thoughts,looks like they will have to wait!!!!

On people

I am not my strong, happy self...now.

Just as I am trying to pick my pieces together,I wanted to share this:

There are 2 ways to break a person..intentionally or otherwise:

1) Make life tough by direct expression and make their motive obvious to you.

2) Be with you , pamper you , splurge you with their service and soothing attitude, do everything for you and make you an invalid - like become your crutches, make you dependant and then withdraw.Then, you crumble and fall.

When you really love someone , give them wings or make winds if you can.If not , it is certainly possible to trust them , stand back , say a prayer and watch them soar. If they fumble ...dont get anxious...it is OK.They are only becoming stronger.Dont nestle them up...you could be draining their drive.

When you hold the spirit too close... you might actually crush it.

As for me , it is just a matter of time and thought. I will bounce back to my spirited self. Until then , notes of positivity will surely help :)

Habits die hard

It irks me to know that after years of toil ...I continue to be the person I ve always been...the same bloody wanna-do-it-all , confused, mushy, scared existence.

Yeah...one thing has changed -I am struggling with spelling words here ...owe it to my literary dormancy.

Oh yeah ...another thing has changed as well - my ability to appreciate good things in life.It is majorly dysfunctional.Birthdays no longer excite me.Making a phone-call is perceived as pain.I dont even remember what would make me happy?!!!!No...I am not sad ...just plain bland..unperturbed by happiness.

Quite contradictory to what I said about being unperturbed...I wonder if my long-last friends would remember me.My present is a feeler of what it is to be dead...wiped from the memory of all who knew me.

One moment I wonder ,"What kinda person walks away from a dear soul so much to oblivion?!!" ...and then I realise that I have done just the same.Sometimes we choose not to interfere.Sometimes the choice chooses us.Either way the feeling of missing remains.Quite over-powering at times.

I donot look to elaborate reminiscence but to brief greetings ...may be a "I m fine" , " I am doing this...whatz with you?" kinda interactions.May be I m being silly...why do I even need those empty conversations.May be for ol' times sake?!!!

Point to self: "Please grow up."

Yet another new beginning

A quick back-ward glance on the year that went by :
*Quite a few relocations ... Chennai to KL, KL to PJ, PJ to Chennai and finally to our current pit-stop SIN.Being on the move is something I would always dunk into.So, no frown for that one.
*No major pain-points - for which I am humbly thankful.
*No major pinnacles - which requires serious introspection and action.

Well...thatz that.

For the first ever time, as long as I can remember , I slept through as the clock struck 12 on New year's day.

Am I becoming more grounded as a person or am I getting sucked up into mid-life crisis? Somethings are best un-analysed :)

Given yet another opportunity to begin..I ve some resolutions revived...to be more fit , to read a little more,to acquire new skills, to practice more patience and to be more loving and understanding.

Last year I put my career in the back-burner...well, then I turned it off as well. I do remember how I loved going to work not a long while ago.

Now that I have the choice to make a new beginning - I am looking out for work that would be refreshingly new, with lots of people-interaction and something I would look forward to everyday.

Hoping that the year ahead would be a year of prosperity, success, good-health and peace.

Wish you all a great year ahead!!!

Little explorer - part 1

My days are so filled with my LO that I can hardly think beyond her.

I m spending a lot of time engaging her and getting to learn soo much from her.

A few days ago my little explorer made a ingenious discovery ...that Ovals look like 'O':) She insisted that I record the place where she drew the inference from ...she wanted that photographed:)

Honestly..having come this far in life ..it has never hit me anytime that ovals come off 'O'!!!

It amazes me how those little brains think. As LO is getting bigger I m becoming all the more anxious.I donot want to intrude and mess up the ingenuity and curiousity that all kids come with.I totally am starting to believe that non-interference in their thought- process is the best thing to do for them.

And here goes the pic:

Yeah I know I did a lousy job with the clicking.But hey, with my subject on the run, thatz the only shot i could get.

well thatz it for now.

A day to remember

10 November 2011.

I want to remember this day ...for the many things I learnt ...but one reason tops it all.I want to remember it for the moment I had with my ailing grandma.

Sickness and grief teaches us more things than well-being and happiness can.More than teaching , it helps us clear the clutter , re-prioritise, understand and 'realise'.

I want to remember the realisations that I had today, the way my grandma made me feel.I was there to offer her comfort and she was the one comforting me and showering warmth.With her inner strength and abundant love, all things make sense.

I am just so glad I was with her at the hospital today.If not , it would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Choices that haunt

Some wishes just don't come true... like wishing you did not have certain people in your life, certain relationships you dint forge , certain pain one dint have to go through.

Agreed , life is full of experiences ...or like someone says pain is meant to make us strong...nature's law of over compensation.Why cant life be just party and no pain?

Life is great at other times.Just when I am left just to my thoughts that all those shoven thoughts crawl out from the crevices.Oh , and those people I wish I dint let go. Sometimes life makes me sanely insane ...and other times I do it effortlessly *****sigh******

Well, as it is always...I ve made my choices and I live with them.Looks like decision-making with urim thummim stones would have been safer.

Terribly missing that special someone...

A wisp of fresh air

I suffer from a serious case of indecisiveness.The reason being, there is so much that I want to do!!Well, though "Prioritising" is THE word I should be banking on, I ve a knack to complicate things just for the heck of it. yeah , yeah I know...it is one great big vicious circle that I get sucked in by choice and then, suddenly I forget why things have become haywire.Let me acknowledge that as a manufacturing defect and get back to my wisp of fresh air :)

Yeah ...for not so long a time ( slightly over a year to be approximate) , on and off, I ve been feeling scrunched up in a cocoon, like my existence did not amount to anything useful.Owe it to the dumb idea I picked up somewhere along the line , that having a career means living a purposeful life.I look at my fine piece of work toddling around and bang hit the flash of thought!!! Well, I am now "Enlightened"...well "ENLIGHTENED".Pray I dont lose sight of the light !!!

That said , what follows is a list of things I would be working on , that would help to crank up my not-so-active brain and make my days more meaningful.

-> Catch up with technology and news
-> Read
-> Revive my photography blog
-> Listen to more music
-> Blog more regularly
-> Get one art project for LO everyday
-> Revive my yoga routine

I read your mind, "How on earth does the list amount to more meaningful days?!!!"

Well , it does to me:)

Honestly , all along I ve felt like I ve been living in water , holding my breath.Gosh ,this wisp of fresh air feels so good...getting back to this blog and this fresh thinking that has set in. I just cannot have enough of it.

You have a great life too!!!

Treading the server side

After what feels like aeons , I hit www.theserverside.com and boy that felt so good!!!!

Not that I am a techie ,I just love to know the state of affairs in the tech world.So excited about all the new jargons that ve mustered up.So much to know...

My lil gurl turns 2 very soon and is growing up to be an independent missy.Funny, with her around but a lil afar , I am missing her like I m the toddler and she, the little big person :)

Please excuse if my post is all faltered in language , it has been quite a while since I ve laid my hands on any printed material.But looks like my days are in for a change.Keeping my fingers crossed that I might actually get to do some reading everyday.Crank up my brain bbox agtleast a wee-bit.

With hardly anyone who drops by at my blog, I feel like I am writing to a ghost reader.Nevertheless love the writing...if I may call so.

Not so up-dates

Sneaking into the net is a luxury these days ...and when I manage to type out a post I consider it bonanza :)

Lemme make it quick here...

For the first ever time in my life ...I planted a tree ( as in from scratch).This happened a few days ago.

LO has got a rapidly evolving vocabulary that I fear running out of appropriate books to read to her.She speaks words impromptu ...like 'mommy' and 'beach'. She rattles them so much I get tired of saying , "Yes Kannamma" . Makes me smile though.

Yesternight we were up at 3.00 working on the system , LO and me :) Took some snaps, recorded a brief movie , woke up daddy and then went back to bed feeling elated.Soemone was smiling through gritty teeth ***evil grin***

I hear SOS calls out the room. Time for me to wind up.

TTYL...See ya...

Living on hinges

I move around hinges, you hardly notice.
Sometimes the winds push me hard and I bang to a close.
There are days I get pushed hard so that I shut or shun.
And then the days when I am left wide-open to invite some sun.
Sometimes I feel cold within and cant help give out an occassionl creak.
Thank you for your back-ward glance , you could have pretended deaf.
I wish to be touched for reasons other than push or pull.
Don't even bother to spin excuses.
Yeah I know , not all wishes come true.
I feel like a furniture...or may be a door.

I almost forgot...Happy New year to you all!!!!

Wish you a happy and prosperous 2011 , filled with loads of love,light and laughter!!!!

*****Sigh*****

I am happy (or is it at peace?) for no reason ...and that worries me !!!

On being a stay-at-home mom ...

Not long ago (The day - May 11, 2010) I had a day job. Not the high-flying , big bucks kind but a good one where I went to write code , meet people and keep myself intellectually stimulated(?!!).Ofcourse it fed my sporadic retail pangs.

Being the list-maniac that I am ..I always have a list at hand..to-do , dream list , list of books to read , places to visit , menu to cook.At any point ..a list is imperative.

During my day-job-days I dreamt of things I would do if I were to stay-at-home...free time to spend at my own discretion.It is 8 months since I am a stay-at-home mommy and I review my list.I should say it looks pretty neat!!

*Read - Checked
Love reading books with LO.She reads hers and I read mine.Therez something really nice about reading real books ... warms my heart.

*Bake - Checked
I have always loved baking. I am no pro ..but absolutely love making cookies with chocolate chips for LO. She loves to play with them ..digging the chips out.If some gets into her mouth ..I call that bonus :)

*Unplanned outings - Checked
I like adventures and to me unplanned outings are the civilised kind.The book stores , the pool at the second floor , snail spotting and feeding ... lil cute ones.

*Lazy gazing- Checked
Our house here has a lovely view ...we are on the 12th floor and our unit is road-facing.When we are bored of readin , TV , crayons and just about anything that would keep us busy ...Lazy gazing is what we resort to.We can never have too much of it.We watch tiny people going about their day , cars , trucks, dogs, taxis, street cleaners, gas supply vans,security vans, loading, unloading, movers, children playing on the streets, the unpredictable showers, warm sunsets, starry skies.It feels good to be between heaven and earth.We get a good view of both:) The regular visits from pigeons only adds more fun.

*Fitness routine - Unchecked
I can actually mark this checked.Though I m not into yoga or workout kind ..running around LO ( accelerated with a bowl of food) would burn more cals for sure.

*Travel around - Unchecked
With the way a trip to the 2nd floor is adventure to me ...it is obvious that I am not game for long travels. This item has been put on hold owing to diaper bag and food packing restrictions.

The other unchecked items include dance classes, GMAT prep, language learning, professional certifications.Let them be.

I am enjoying now...every bit of it...filling my days with LO.I see her happiness when we cuddle, laugh, play, sing,read, learn new stuff, fight, watch TV, lazy gaze...just being together.I am living my dream here :)

I know that these are the best days of my life. When I eventually get back to my career ...these moments will make fond memories to cherish as I hustle through the day.

Life is always about choices...and for once I am so damn sure about mine.

I dont like it that way

I am so tempted to slander peole when they try so hard to play smart cookie.I dont like it when someone plays watch-dog or behaviour policing."Thank you for being judgemental, what you ve stated has safely been redirected to toxic trash".

I totally understand that if you are a rotten scum bag ...thatz because you ve been wired that way and I really have no qualms about it.But dont try to shove some muck on me...and no filth please.I dont like it...totally.

wow ...just as I type out this post I realise that what I started out as a narration has turned out to be first person addressing :) Looks like I am heading the slander therapy way!!!

Well,that said i think it will feel really really goooood to spew out whatz on our minds:)

Yet another realization I had is that being lazy does nt make me happy:)

Looking behind my shoulder

With another new year fast approaching I had a quick backward glance.The year has been a challenging one ...truly challenging ...translating to tremendous learning.I took a real bold decision , by which I ve surprised myself.I am just glad I m sticking with it.

No remarkable happenings ... not an eventful year either.

Nothing lost , nothing gained...quite an average year so to speak.

With another month to go ...I might be in for a twist.Thatz the best thing about life...the unpredictability ...the mystery...the surprise.

Even as I hear fears and uncertainitiesn hammmering inside my head , I feel grateful for the beautiful ways in which my life has been blessed.

Life sure is beautiful :)

Words and what they mean

Just as I was mopping the floors today I was thinking about some words ...their meanings and the way I interpret them.Words like 'humility', 'courteous', 'considerate'.I felt that some of them were so similar and somehow I dint want them to be the same. So was trying to give my own interpretation like 'humility' is not being too proud to ask for help.While 'courteous' is being polite enough to offer help , 'considerate' is actually helping without waiting for a response , doing something that needs to be done.

And then out of no-where I said a prayer..."God, help me be humble.But if I have to choose between 'humble' and 'considerate' , help me be considerate."

Phew...whatz with me?!!!!

I am here and I am happy :)

Well...that is that . "I am here and am happy." Honestly, this very moment as I type out this post...I truly understand and cherish the joy of being in present.The bygone moment , the aftermath of now...nothing matters except NOW.Loving it.

About the months that fled by ...those have been so full of experiences and loads of learning.These days I am working hard on taming my temper.Quicker cool-off is what I ve learned to do. I am far far away from where I want to be.

If child psychology interests you "Children : The Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikurs is one awesome read.'t was an accidental pick from a thrift store.But so glad that I did.Reading it second time over to make notes.

Got some reading to do before I hit the sack.

Selamat tidur :)

Change

Change is like trying on a pair of stashed footwear... makes you feel off-balance for a wee while and then ...fits like a charm , warm, welcome and refreshing :)

Unnai pOl Oruvan

My weekdays are very very hectic ...and I prefer them that way. And weekends get by in laying things in place for the week ahead.I am a stickler for good times...and good times are when I get to do things I love - reading , watching movies , sleeping , gardening, baking, whipping up stuff, cleaning, music - listed in no particular order.A minimum of two of these are sure in-thing for weekends.

After catching-up on a hearty nap (of modest 3 hrs), I decided to watch 'Unnai pOl Oruvan' - long pending on my must-watch list.OMG....'awesome' is such an understatement!!! The movie was perfect to the T...the story, cast , screenplay, visuals et all...just everything about it.

There is this thing about people who love their job...not only does it show in their work , but also there is an air of goodness about it.Kamal lives his passion and it sure does show.For the ways in which he makes me a better movie watcher , a better fan ...I am thankful.Kamal, you are truly are an inspiration!!!

On that note , I leave you folks ...wishing you all a great week ahead!!!

Stay smiling...

Womens' Day

I sat down to blog ...then being the person I am ...got lost in the web of yummy , yummy food blogs with pictures that make people drool ...literally.

Coming back to my title, I ve never been anywhere close to being a feminist.Having been treated like a princess ...or tom-boy to be honest , the cherub I am, I ve nt had the oppotunity to get into the mind-set of a feminist.Touch-wood , I am being treated like a fellow human ....not a gurl or lady( gosh...those years?!!) to be more specific.

I am not for exclusivity .I believe it marks the beginning of difference.I like being treated equal or more equal , if that suits ;)

Every person on earth deserves to LIVE their life , to make thier choices , to breathe the air of freedom, dream their dreams ...

If you are a woman reading this post, Happy Womens' Day to you!!!

And if you are the other kind .....give my wishes to the special ladies in your life :)

All you folks out there....sport a smile...life's beautiful.Trust me ...it is.

P.S: I just had the perfect weekend !!!!

Good people and not-so-good happenings

I am not happy today. I am SAD to be more specific….that is SAD in BOLD and italicized. Dint like what I heard from my best friend today. ’Like’ is not the word to use. But I am not bothered. I don’t like the scheme of things , in life , in general. Wish God had things rolling differently..like virtual transportation to another planet or something. I do not like death or anything diminutively close to it. The good people part…well I believe in every one being good…just in different ways, at different times , to different people. But some are extra special, with their goodness overcharged. Wish I knew him. What I missed for so long …I ll miss forever. Good people are meant to be known, understood, befriended, cherished. I did not get to do the first three…but the last …will be forever. I ve not met, but he will certainly be fondly remembered, cherished. I can feel the pain of the people who know him. May they find solace in having known him.

Leh

I have seen you with my eyes closed.
Blue engulfed by land strips or the otherway.
But the entirety filled ...overflowing with calm, poised.
The air must be mostly still, I imagine.
The crystal waters reflect a mind I can only dream of.
Sweet are the unsung melodies and you sure are one.
Leh, when will I hear you?

Need of the hour

My weekend started on Friday and that helped me decoil my frayed nerves.If you are thinking I am into rocket-launching or something...you are sure damn lost.I am pretty much the genre that fumbles when therez a lil more work and then frets when there is none!!!

Well...that was me being too rude with myself. Here comes the better picture: I am the sort of person who does stuff , stands pressure ...workaholic et all thru the week. And then weekend brings along the revelation that my work is not what I want/love to do!!! I think hard about what I like...and then there is too many : to list and prioritize is nearly daunting an effort that I go back to the stink hole.

If I sound irreverent ...dont let your jaw drop..I like being that way as well..once in a while. I ve never been consistent ...not even in being myself !!!Like I said ...'incomprehensible' is the word.

Need of the hour...a life revamp..I would like to let myself be lead by less useful , more meaningful ways ; build on bare essentials; strip away all those meaningless stuff.Enjoy the ride , than hit the gas. Not too much to wish for...but certainly calls for a strong will.Do I have one??!!Wish I knew the answer !!!

It was not a stop ....just a long pause :)

I dont know if people come to this place any more.But this is my den.Music was not here for long.If you thought it is a stop...no... I just hit the pause :)

I am back after my longest hiatus ever...no excuses , no regrets - just know that my days were all sunshine and blue skies ( almost all :) )

That said,I should say I ve changed as a person.I should have changed.Itz over a year and if I dint then I would cease to exist.Well, ceasing then again calls for change!! Feels like I am going over-board...will stop here.

Well time sure has flown by ....some friends lost and regretted for , some gained and thankful for and the others whom I dont know if I have or dont.

Time has become the most precious commodity in my life and I somehow like it this way...my days are more sensible than ever.Then again, there are those days when I am a ball of nerves that I yearn for my sloth suit.

Time out error occured...post terminates here :)

Mid-night musings

These days ( since my last post?!!!) I am really very happy , for no particular reason. 'Excited' , 'enthused' would be more appropriate words. Thatz exactly how I feel. What else would keep me up until 2.00 in the morning , all upbeat and zingy?!!

I ve been this way , chirpy and hyper for the last couple of days, more so at work. I was seriously considering talking to my manager about putting me in isolation. That way I can have more work done and let others as well. Well, my head phones are there always to resort to and then there are theirs!!

That apart, I m working to pick up new tool skills (Adobe Photoshop, Insight) , not without a co-traveller's help :-)

Just read : Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink". I ve got myself so addicted to everynight that I get jitters if I dont and I get morbid about running out of books(at home)to read.

Now reading: "Eat that frog"(God bless those mighty-hearted sponsors ;))

My goals and guidelines for 2009 are in place , undergoing refinement on and off.

I am glad about having brought this sense of lightness into my heart(Oh , the irksome mushy mushy gurl I am?!!). Feeling better than ever.

Hope is all time high. I just have to whip up things to put that to good use.

Well folks, thatz for now. Will keep you posted on whatz rocking at my end.

I read this quote and I seem to second the idea ;)

"When you were born, God said , "Yes!!!"
- Sarah Pound

A little better me

I am trying here ...to be a lil better ...more patient, less demanding, more tolerant, more understanding. There is a cheerfulness pattern to me; when I m with a certain genre of people I beam with cheer, well beyond the grim thoughts welling in me and then there are others with whom even my sunny-self suffers.I dont even know if I view them like they are my Dementors , but luck has it that things majorly goof up , fall-short , just when they are invicinity.I am working to break the pattern.Looks like the pattern is trying me even harder.

That apart, there is some consistency that I m trying to bring to my days and to myself. I ve little dreams I wanna pursue , little places where I want to get to , little moments that I want to make.

The other day I was thinking about dying and what I would miss if I have to die , funny ...there is nothing. May be I ll just ask for a minute or two for a little self-talk and a small thank-you prayer and then lie and smile to sleep.Thatz just the way I feel.

I ll sign off here now ... my thinking is getting water-locked :-)

Choose not to read this

Honestly...I am perfectly ok if you choose to flip to another site or go back to a some place where sensibility prevails. I am in no mood to think and there is nothing in particular I want to talk about.So I really cannot say what I am gonna spew!!

A little while ago I was reminded of a very very wonderful time I had with a friend on a New year's day (let me get more specific ...the year is 2005).If I have to count all my happy moments that sure would be in.

Oh!...and about past two days, I was hyper-enthused ...smiling, chirpy, super friendly,singing ...like I had done drugs...just could not contain my spirits.

I dont know if there is any jerk who could even match up with me...I miss people like crazy!!I am really really sad.I miss some friends , the good times ( I have insufficient memory for the bad ones), fun , laughters, mushy mushy moments...what do I do?!!!Sometimes I feel like I would shine shoes, mop floors, sell insurances to zombies; do just about anything to talk to my friends, be with them.And another irkiest part is when I see one day-in and day-out and pretend like I m this poise, gracious lady ,at a distance, when I am all about screaming within over how I terribly miss the good times we had.

Gosh ...I am such a tough person to handle!!!What you call a normal day would make me feel I m riding a roller-coaster.Today I was all of it: happy, sad, confused, lonely, nostalgic, teary, chirpy, argumentative, poise, responsible, dumb, lost, courteous, rude, friendly...you name it. My mood-swings are as bad as Mr.Ramanan's weather forecast ; I really cant predict which way they would sway.But then, predictability is so dull and uninteresting!!!

I am getting a little hazy about what I am typing...sleep calls.I ll call this done here.Your patience is much appreciated:) I just have one question to ask : "Are you crazy?"!!

HQ experience

Yesterday morning I started for office and was not in particularly great mood ...may be the previous day training that went late into the night ,may be the errors that wont go, may be sleeplessness or may be just me ...whatever the reason. Well , that was a minor glitch in my day's program.What followed was amazing ...may be I was destined to have a good start.

I stepped out of the house and waved out for an auto who just stopped and surprised me with his politeness. For the first time in my life I was hearing an auto-wala say "Yes Mam, where do you want to go?" and gosh ... the tone was soo polite and he had a smile on his face !!!Well, that made me all smiles :) He made a few inquiries on how to get to the place , set his ear phones on and sang all the way.All along he was such a courteous driver , giving way to other vehicles , waiting for the pedestrians to cross, being patient at the signals and minimal honking . I felt like I was living an utopia !!!

That ride turned me from a grouch I was starting the day as to a all-smiles person.Honestly , he made my day. Itz amazing how people with a high HQ(Happiness Quotient) can be so contagious.

P.S: Funny I ve been thinking about him the whole of yesterday and earnestly wish I could catch up with him sometime.Happiness can be very addictive :)

An update for update's sake...

Itz been a month since I ve been away ... connectivity was remote and so was my zeal to blog.Been in intense thinking mode.

A quick recap of things that went by: came back home; stayed unconnected for a ong while ..no internet , no mobile ; Paid an unenthusiatic visit to my abode (sigh!!!) ; Went on a trek ( I see a little life there!!!) ; Hurt my toe and my toe nail suffers even now ; Saw a lay-off at work , watched my friends let go , felt bleak; Uncertainity quotient is an all time high , which I think is good ... stagnation is bad , breeds grub (took a while to get this thought sorted).Thatz that.

And now , flu is in the air ...I ve got the germs as well. Have been without a cold or fever for a long while , so thought I ll let this one be. Decided to keep away from medications.Downing jugs of Vitamin C and itz doing good. I know I m gonna be just fine by Monday.

Thatz from me for now. Until I think of something worth posting, I ll leave you with this babble.

Take good care :)

Seeing the world...

I m liking this ...me being here.

If you knew me and knew me well , you would know how fickle-minded I am.Say if I am at place X , doing the Y thing ...then I want to be in place A , doing the Z thing.And when I actually get to place A and get to do the Z thing , then T place doing the Q thing is all that I drool about.

But today, I feel different. I am happy at this E place doing this B thing :)

I like what these travels do to me...not places ...but mostly the people I meet or even just observe from afar.May be itz also the places...I am not sure.

The feeling of something unveiling inside me is wonderful.I am easy on myself , more passionate about life, less desperate to get somewhere and more sure of how I want to be and the positivity that I can be where-ever I want to be.I feel lighter. A subtle confidence that even if something goofs up, it simply is not the end of the world : like a faith that has been seeded.

The innate confusion is still there ...I am probably a little less clueless I guess :)

I want to learn new stuff , travel the world, know new people, live every day with excitement and die ...alive and kicking :)

Pretty simple agenda for life, isn't it?

Love ya all :)

Love ...

Lots of love can make you cry, believe me I did.

And today, somehow, I find it appropriate to revisit this thought.

Itz funny what a maverick can do with words .Take your words ...juggle them around ...and they mean very different from what they actually did.

Wondering why even your non-sense words make sense to me. Guess , I understand the person who stands beyond the words. You probably do the same with me.

Whatz the point?!

I ll wait.

Wait for what? I dont have an answer.

Btw, was it you or was it me? Does it even matter ?

Damn ... I cant cry.

P.S: If you read this and dint understand what I meant ... that exactly is my point. I dont intend to be understood.

My photo blog :)

This is what I ve been upto the last couple of days...

My dark-room experiments.

yeah, I was putting together my photo blog.

Other things that I am into are some cooking and baking...culinary experiments to be exact.Had a flashing thought and suggestions of posting them here...on second-thoughts I decided no. Oh...and I did a wee-bit of painting fences too.

Thatz from me.

Drop in at my photo blog and share your comments.

I recycled :)

What was this ....

became this

Very primitive an effort and more so the outcome. Should work on the numbers...the temperatures , the melting point et all.

Intending to explore more possibilities. Any leads/suggestions welcome!!

If you believe you are vegetarian ...look again.

Feeling like a bundle of nerves for the past couple of days. Working with a number of unknown variables in life's equation. Scared/worried by small incidents , which should have no significance. Thatz me for now.

Saddened by the thought that I am not a vegetarian after ALL :(

Should have paid more attention to the ingredients and what they ACTUALLY meant !!

FYI : Cochineal extract in fruit juices come from a kind of bug.

Marshmallows are made using gelatin, which is mostly extracted from animal tissue.

Happy Independence Day!!

Beyond the further miles,
where the senate speaks or the Queen smiles,
or where they pride themselves of the war-loom they weave,
or where they mourn the unseen gold and silently grieve.
There are many a land so to speak ,
that hold their might or claim their weak,
all those lands , beyond and yonder.
None too close to where my heart resides,
none so real and bearing,
that I shall call my home.
The more I see beyond,
the more my love wells within.
My heart is where my home is.

Happy Independence Day!!!

Photos from Fringe

Fringe festival is on here from the 3rd till 25th of this month.And here are few snaps that captured the streetness of the festival...

A new scribble pad

I am a serious and cold self-critic. I easily get disappointed with myself.More-so in matters of life....being happy, accomplishing stuff, like that.

Now , I am terribly bored...of being so , playing by the rules, always in a hurry to get somewhere. I do have my hippy times ; But those are very fleeting!! A walk in the woods does not make me a free spirit.Hell , I come back to an imbrogglio of self-infested stupid thoughts.

I tell myself a thousand times over that life is not about achieving something, getting somewhere ...itz about living this moment , NOW!!! To laugh like crazy , love passionately, try new stuff ...explore and die giggling...thatz how i want my life to be.

As part of the re-vamping, I ve come up with new things I want to be doing.If they make sense to you , I am glad ...and if they dont ...I am gladder :)

-> Learn to leap frog .

This , I was inspired by my almost-daily walks , where I see the leap-frog poles, waiting for me to jump over.Long story cut short there.

-> Type 80 wpm (Current average : 42 wpm on www.typeracer.com )

-> Say "ABCD ...Z" reverse in less than 3.92 sec (well, thatz the time I took to say them straight)

-> Learn balloon sculpture and the ones they do with the puffin balloons as well.

I saw them at the Fringe festival and how happy they make the kids ?!!! ... and me as well:)

-> Learn Tiffany glass art ( tough one there!!)

-> Express anger if I must. But practise patience ( I am getting serious here...)

-> Peep into a stranger's book title and start reading that book. ( Numero Uno title : "The lost continent " - Bill Bryson ).

Oh , did I tell you , I am so fascinated by running-away. I wanted to do it, even as a kid. I dont know if I ll ever be strong enough to be a run-away.Or may be I ll give a call back home ...

Well, thats that for now.

Heading to bake something nasty or nice.

Chao from me :)

Run along now...go live your life.

You know what I mean ?!

I wish to call you by so many names,
but when I see you I simply smile.

My photographs of Scotland

Scotland is totally awesome and here are my toddler steps in capturing the beauty of this place.

Ocean Terminal, Edinburgh


Holyrood Palace , the Queen's official residence in Scotland


Daisies below Arthus' seat , Edinburgh

My long walk :)

Yesterday , I set out on my morning walk , which eventually turned out to be a day walk. Never knew I was such a walk freak :)



Well ...thatz just my onward route ... more walking happened there-after.

I love to be on my toes :-)

A losing battle...

If you are my enemy I can put up a tough fight.
But what do I do ...you break me from within?!

On life and love...

This is something that has made a profound impact on me :
"Sometimes the greatest journey in life is the distance between two people."

Mysterious are the ways of love. A glimpse of understanding of love , can add a whole lot of meaning to any dull, unkempt life. But for some, it has only been a distant dream.Wish dreams came to us , with the power to make them come true.

Speaking of power , i think of how powerless we are with the limitedness of our personalities.However far we get , with life or spatially , we finally succumb to the fact that we are what we are, beyond the people, places and things we subject ourselves to.We really cannot get further than what we actually are.

And there is this funny thing about life: Somethings happen just beyond where our understanding remains , leaving us with a lot of unanswered questions.Questions , we try to unlock , with the primitive tools that we hold.

One thing I believe is for certain : Life is vast, magnificient and way, way bigger than we can comprehend.So big that sometimes it is better to embrace it and live it rather than try to question or understand.

A snap-shot of me

It is easier to be kind to a stranger.Being unaware of the human vagaries is the key.Knowledge sometimes makes things complicated , decisioning more biased and emotions bleary.For now, suffering one such malady.People who know me well, know my feeble EQ, bitter temper, effervescent patience and the many things I run away from.To others I m simple, plain good.

Today is the kinda day that just is not quite right. One more whiff and I m bound to break.I am feeling like i felt in by-gone days ...wishing to curl-up and sleep, long and deep, until sleep washes away all my pain.Not that I m in immmense pain...just that I ve been safe from hurt for quite a while that it hurts like new.

There are always people whom I wish I dint know or places I was not there ...then.Every shoven thought, repressed view comes rushing back, like I hit the restore button.But that changing the past is not even an option, the best thing would be to gather the pieces and move on.What with the present? On that , I ll slumber for a while.I will wake up to a new dawn :)

Whatever ...

Life between 9.00 and 6.00 has never been this uninteresting. I am so wretchedly bored with the nothingness that I am blogging about it :)

Yeah ..yeah I hear you ...this is the best time to self-learn , focus on your goals, get ahead et all.Did you know that too much of anything can't be good for you ? 9 hours is too much time to kill!!

In the beginning it was fun, having lots of time at my disposal. But time now is weighing me down.These are the binding criteria:
-> I cant hit social networks.
-> Not third party emails ( I hardly get any mails related to work...)
-> Strictly no gaming
-> I overdid blog-hopping that the very thought of reading one more blog makes my stomach churn!!
-> Surfing the net has an almost similar effect on me as blog-hopping.

If you have any suggestions on sensibly expending time ....I am game :)

Latest gyaan revealed :
No one ever died of hard work ( Boredom kills).

Read this like it :
My life is a series of lessons I need,happening in perfect order.

A thought and an afterthought

Quite sometime back I thought that life was like walking on a tread-mill , treading so hard and not getting anywhere ahead.

Just over the weekend the thought came back to me again, about not getting anywhere with life, and I realised that the treading hard may not get me anywhere now , but I am getting stronger for sure...strong enough to trudge along , when my road takes me ahead.

A retrospective - tagged by PK (A real long time ago)

I shall not be doomed by the curse of the dead tag.I m sorry PK , I am awfully late with picking up the tag.Itz been a while that I got back to blogging and you see things at work are no longer the same.I ve work!! Well , then there is laziness ( I need a scribe!!).Nevertheless I ve tried to give my 10 cents and here they happen:

Family:

My family is where I ve drawn all my craziness from :) Glad that I am here and no where else.

Friends:

Friends have always been part of my survival kit.My list of best remains the same all through and the one guy who tops it from where we started , miss you dude.Friends apart, there are people whom I love,draw my inspiration from, admire or adulate so much ...that I cannot simply call them friends.They mean so much to me, no matter where they are...

My Love:

This post struck me most (of the little retrospective that I did). I ve grown to believe that love is a matter of hard-work and heart , rather than the heart itself.

Things I like:

Adventure sports , books , music , nature, conversations, long walks, beaches , long drives, nostalgia

Myself:

As I see myself , I am a hyper , simple , self-critical and thinking person. Small things make me happy and I rebound from mishaps soon.It is so tough to nail myself down to a more relaxed tempo.I am drawn to learn or try new things, going places, meeting new people ( well , what do I do about my waning spirit to make friends?) .There is a certian desperateness with which I live life, as if it would end tomorrow , and this puts myself under immense pressure. I m into self-talk mode to set myself right.

Recent plans and activities include:

Learning carnatic music
Trekking
Revived my daily yoga

You are tagged : Monu , Reetu, Kirthi *** A grin of satisfaction***

Everyday, a day of learning

Things I learnt today ( from 9.00 am to 1.00 pm, to be precise) :

-> Humility is the greatest of all virtues
-> Self-help is the best help
-> It takes a moment to spill a word and a life-time to digest it
-> Every cause has an effect
-> One's Conscience is undoubtedly the best judge and the most cruel nemesis

Thinking (wondering) what the rest of the day holds for me ...

Stuff that wont mean much to you if you dint know me

Phew ...thatz the longest ever title I came up with!!

One flickering opportunity to reconnect to my past and so many thoughts gush out from the dark crevices.

I dont remember quite well , but there were write-ups that I did under the title 'Seeds of Sunshine'.Should hunt them down once I m back home.Want to see how I thought then.

And then, there is an answer I forgot and this is the question thatz eating my brain : "What is the young-one of a deer called?" yeah..yeah I can google , but nothing is even close to when you get to hear from that special someone :)

Having been the meek lil' person I was ( way back in school :) ) , and sometimes I tend to be now , has cost me quite a lot.

I realise that most things in life go beyond our reach , not because we questioned them , but because we held our silence. How do I even account for all those questions I should have asked and never did? What do I do about the words that I left unspoken ?

They will all wash down into the soliloquy sink.They shall best be unspoken.

And ***** ( with the remotest possibility of you coming here), spell the magical word :) Itz a sitter for you :)

I know.I can hear you say , "Grow up Ramya " :)...and I m trying here !!!

A beautiful experience

On Jan 17th 2008 I held a new born in my hands for the first ever time in my life and I was in tears , the feeling was so overwhelming.

And today , I sang little Raeya to sleep :) and I simply cant believe what I did !!!

To reinstate my hopes about life, to get me past the grey days or the mundane life, to mellow the piling bitterness towards the not-so-pleasant things of life , to grant myself the gift of forgiveness, to believe in a new beginning, that there is no such thing as end of life , just a thought about these two would do :Babies and puppies.

I try to think of what in them draws this feeling out of me , and I have no answer...may be itz simply their being.If only my being could make so much sense...

Speaking my heart out...

Everyday is presenting me with an opportunity to learn ...whether at work , or with people, or if its simply being all by myself.And what I m learning was never even part of curriculum , thatz 20+ yrs of schooling ?!!! There can never be a greater school than life and no lesson as good as what life presents us with :-)With all honesty I say , the magnitude of life never ceases to amaze me.

Everyday I learn ...to hear, to speak, to remember , to smile, to listen,to ignore , to hope, to believe, to suspect, to hold my silence, to forgive, to hold my peace...so very many lessons. Some I learn , some I fear, some I forget , some I relearn , some I omit, some that come back and slam me down.

The more I realise what I learn , the more humble I feel.No, I dont feel small, I feel humble.I dont know if I m mixing up God with life. And to me there are just synonyms.

I have come to realise that the most important things in life are not the most obvious ones.Money is a mandate and I dont refute on that. But what makes life worthwhile is all the love that is there, the compassion you feel toward a fellow human , the pain felt when another soul is hurt or when your heart skips a beat for a stumbling child.

Last year has made me as strong and as empathetic.Funny , how I think about Matthew and Baskaran , the less prominent people I used to meet everyday. I wonder what is with their lives.I pray that they should be happy. I am anxious for a pregnant friend and think about how a dear one is doing at school and a friend whoz marriage prep is underway and another who has began hers at a far away city. I dont know why. I think of so many people...many of them whom I would ve spoken hardly few words.I know when I see them , I will have no words to speak and it will all be muted by a smile and a nod.

Coming back, I want to be more compassionate than strong. I ve come to realise that compassion is stronger than strength.I learnt it from a 75 year young lady...a very beautiful and compassionate lady.

For that, I am thankful to life.

A fresh start...

yeah ...I know...I ve been in a daze.Nevertheless the year is still new ...aint it?

Wish you a very happy and prosperous New year filled with lotsa love, light and laughter!!!

A clean, fresh start is always refreshing ...so full of promises and hope.An opportunity to reflect, correct, begin new.

Looking through the rear view at the year that just reeled by...these are my thoughts: Almost the entire year spent away from family and folks..the year was quite a learning experience.

Someone said : "Nothing to lose.Always to win" . Year 2007 took away from me, all that I had made and gave me all that I dint have. I am truly amazed at what I learnt...my capacity to love, to look beyond the looming differences, to understand and grow. On a personal front , this year, I met this face of mine, I had never ever met, not even in my dreams.

I have to thank my family , friends and folks I meet day-in and day-out, for the ways in which they made my life better ...the many things that they helped me learn...and survive.And ask forgiveness for the tough times I put them through.I did the way I did because I dint know a better way to do.I am learning here...forgive my mistakes.

Year 2007 has prepared me quite well for 2008.

For year 2008 , I ve these on my mind:
-> Learn new things ...
-> Look at life beyond work
-> To classify things I want and dont want.Remove the clutter.
-> To respond rather than react
-> To empathize with people before getting critical of them
-> To let go my defenses and be the warm person that I always had been

I want to remind myself that everyone lives to be happy or is striving to be happy.We are not very different from each other....so there is no need to fear people ...all that is needed is understanding.

This year, I choose to understand people.

Something to share ...

A beautiful quote I came across and I wanted to share :

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
-Charles Bubois

Life is one wonderful experience and I simply cannot love it more!!!

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New year to you!!!

Yeah ..itz me ...rattling again!!!

Did I tell you how glum and pathetic I was making my days?! Well , be thankful if you dint hear that part of the story...I hate to hear it myself :)

And then another crazy thing is that I m thinking in terms of blog posts these days. Infact I would ve written close to 10 posts yesterday inside my head.Thatz how much of thinking thatz happening...and the genre is quite varied ... about career , family , friends, fantasy , big plans , next day's lunch ,waters, movies, snow,learning something new, about using a chapstick,teh spring I miss, following 2 different clock-ticks ...oh my therez so much to think in this world!!!!

Allthis thinking and so,it has been so difficult for me to get some sleep .I was really scared I will go crazy if I dint sleep.Sleep is water to me...cant do without it.With all the worrying and glum thoughts ... I visualized myself getting into the boring adultdom...the wrinkled fore-heads, lost smiles, concentrated rationality, diluted enthusiasm...all things plain and uniniteresting.

And all it takes to bring back the fizz is this !!!!

To feel the joy of being our old selves...sure is priceless. And when this guy talks about that ... I should say he simply stole words from my mouth.

Long time ago I made a decision: However old and wrinkled I become, I ll never walk around like a zombie which has drunk hydrochloric acid. Growing old is simply not on my agenda :-)

Thought-farm - Seed 2

What started with love, ... guided by respect, thrives on communication. Communication is vital to keeping any relationship at glides. Relationships apart , communication, clear and honest, can make our everyday lives easy.

Communication involves 2 aspects - listening and speaking.Openness is inevitable to communication ...in both listening and speaking."Nonjudgmental" is the word I like to use here (and I would not deny the difficulty it presents in practising).

One lesson I picked up from a knowledgeable friend was that , " Always keep your ears open. What you listen may be obscure to you now.But no knowledge is use-less".

And with relationships, we kind-of get stuck and tamper the communication channel when we want to hear only the things we want to hear. When we become selective about what we want to hear , we close doors on people who count on us to hear ... and not mandating us to listen.If everyone thought like the other , it does not take two!!!

Many times, we all are struck by the urge to be good and not to hurt, that we speak things completely tangential to what we think.Well, the truth is that truth is all too powerful to stay sub-dued for long...and even if it is sub-dued , the effort it takes to keep it low is way too overwhelming.We will end up wishing we had it out in the first place.

It can be something as simple as a dead-line we might not meet or a party we dont want to show up at or a friend's attitude you resent or something as impactful as a job you want to quit or a relationship that is asking too much of you. Putting up with things will only worsen the wound.

Quite ironically, people find it easier to handle the truth than to take feel-good stuff. Have nt there been times when we were scared our wits out to say the truth and said it anyway, just to find rather surprising , better reactions? Well, that just is what I m talking about :-)

Do let me know what you think...

Thought-farm - Seed 1

Itz more than a week now ...I ve been trying to sort things here at this blog.I am starting to feel I m over-doing that part and so here I start.

Remembering a lesson I was taught back in school ( as part of march-past ):

The two vital factors for any relationship - Love and Respect. Love is that factor that mellows the heart and makes it open up to both giving and receiving .And then 'respect' , that stands beyond all superfluous tones, is that which is reminds that the other person is as deserving as one is in the relationship , love inclusive. While love says, " You are my everything ...I ll do die for you", respect says , " You are important to me ... I ll be here around to make you happy".
Respect is more of a logical but mandatory factor.

It is not uncommon to see love being epitomised all over and hardly anyone speaks of 'respect'.The reason being as simple as, the heart is more vulnerable and convincible than the brain , and short-cuts never fail to allure!!

Love lets you take the first step forward, but respect is what keeps the journey going.

Love is beautiful , enchanting ...the holding-hands , the sharing , long drives , walks , sweet-nothings ...all of it.The feeling is way too over-powering to resist. And then there is aftermath ...tough times , mundane days , rough patches, when 'love' is the last thing on your mind.Respect is the rudder that drives the rough seas...to acknowledge that no-one is perfect , understanding that it is ok to falter , that everyone needs their own space, that wrong decisions lead to right ones , that it is ok to make mistakes and in sticking out for each other.

A check-list with these two factors can primarily help one judge where one is heading to...

Well , that is my first step forward on this series.Share your thoughts ... I would love to hear.

A quick glance on what all slipped-by while I was away from this space: Two birthday (one of it happens to be mine :-) ), my first-ever many things , a few tears and a couple of smiles.

Re-defining this space

Off-late , I ve not been particularly happy about my blog....its not about the dwindling fan-fare ( which I dont have in the first place) or the lack of comments ...itz about what I write and the way I write. As a reader , I feel that my blog should be something more than what it is now...it should make some more sense and value-addition ...apart from the obvious fact that its my way of sharing.

I m choosing to be move away from being myopic.And my fascination for people and human relationships and my curiosity on those lines will be my source.I know that throwing myself at this possibility is a commitment...just like the one made on Oct 05 , 2004: To start a blog and keep it going.(Well, hope you dont go back there, into the attic ...I feel so funny about that post...embarrassed to be honest.)

I m going to take a while, may be a couple of days , to figure out how I want to structure my posts here-on.

While I do ground-work on my stuff, you stay warm and happy :-)

Whatz with me...

Itz been quite some days since I ve been away from my blog and not without reasons ( excuses?!) .The best bet would be to limit to just the obvious one - writer's block (laziness?!!)

Now that I ve bounced back I want to put down the stuff I ve been upto over the last couple of weeks.Believe it or not cooking was the in thing then...over the thanks-giving weekend and there after ;) Had friends (mine and his) over for dinner couple of times and I really enjoyed cooking the elaborate course(s). I love cooking :-) If you know me a nd are surprised ...dont be...more than a chore ...cooking is a creative medium...my canvas.I would go on starving rather than cook a regular meal...more so if itz just me.There was also a teeny-weeny slice of Thanks-giving shopping as well.

Last week I was upto some experiments with my spiritual self...getting myself to newer vistas..but looks like old habits die hard.I m more of logic than an open-mind.Still,somehow I m moved by the idea of having a faith so deep and strong enough to move you to tears ; A faith to hang on to when all your hopes have forsaken you.I yearn for an open mind and it remains an yearning.

Last week it was farewell time at office...lotsa people rolled-off.One person I miss a little more than I expected to miss is the Caribou Manager. Sure thing I ve not spoken as much...may be grabbing coffee together and occassional chats was all of my interaction with the guy. It saddens me to see someone else in his seat ...every morning (though the cubical was shared in past as well ...may be the fact that hez not gonna be in).I m thinking of a detour there.

The incident helped my discover that I can never be a contractor, I would be crying from one job to another. I m already starting to miss squistle...hes been my charm for the past several months.Saving my sanity ..not just with work.Times like this remind me:I do have a heart ( a fact I often get dubious of).

I ve become pathetic with my conversations.I ve developed quite a disability with speaking out what I think or feel.I ve an innate filtering system ( one I dint choose) ...either I dont want to sound silly , or vulnerable or opinionated or pathetic. And if ever I want to speak out something from my heart ...I go completely blank for words.And I end up simply smiling.Inside I simply choke.I m so unlike me?!!!!

I ve come to understand that our individual selves are greatly defined by the environment we are put into.When I m back home , I ll be my suny self :) Here itz too cold, I hardly feel like shining thru.

Well, itz the EOD after an exhausting weekend and the only thing I can do is to be done with this post and yawn.I m all tired and sleepy.The errands I ve ahead :-(

Oh did I tell you ..itz all snow here ... and feels like heaven!! Some time over this week I m gonna try walking on the lake behind my house ..itz all frozen :-)

Thatz for now...Ciao !!

Elemental love....

Every time you smiled I felt breeze.
With every step you took towards me,
I sensed my earth spin faster.
The shine in your eyes made my fire fiercer.
When I looked for a roof, you became my sky.
Now you walk away and it rains in my heart...

P.S: Funny how I manage to write poems like a school gurl :p

An aspiration...

There are some things in life that I simply cannot come to terms with.Sometimes itz not even things...its people.I ve to admit that I m awfully pathetic with my ability to being good for goodness sake.A hollow compliment for feel good sake does not come from me.Oh my ..the trouble it takes to get over with such critical situations ... situations that require a grey response instead of a black or white one.

And did I tell you about one person whose arrogance and attitude has managed to win my admiration as much as my demonition ? Well , there is this person who imagines oneself as standing beyond the comprehension of the species 'Homo-sapien'.May be its true ..may be its not.But what impresses me most is simply the effort to get there.I would fall head o'er heels for any person who can stand beyond situations, emotions, bondings ...unperturbed.The reason being my inability to step into that haven.

I imagine the feeling would be angelic...expansive..being too complete to be hurt; too generous to hurt.Can anyone be too complete or too generous?I think I ll leave that question open-ended for what I call ... 'now'.

Today, I m full of thoughts.Without a paper and pen, I would have choked.I really have nt thought about why I write.An obvious reason is that I love writing and may be one of the not-so-obvious reasons is this: To save myself from drowning in my own thoughts.

Itz been quite a rant from me today ..is it not?Its because today was one such day...my thinking was on crest and my tolenrence on trough.

Another thing I liked about having done today is leaving my book behind.That left me with no choice other than to think.And I also enjoyed the idea of watching myself and observing my thought-flow.Eventually I ll get to a point where I can actually control them....the multitudinous thoughts.

I aspire to be angelic...to be too generous...too complete...to stand beyond the idea of appreciation or criticism ...love or hate ...or winning or losing...beyond all dichotomy that have ever been discovered.

Thatz from me for now...Ciao!!!!

Mad about life...

When I feel hollow with-in,
when earth takes me for quite a spin,
when my days are of shades grey and blue,
when my heart pines for a brighter hue,
a little sun-shine , snow,
chai-latte or may be a rainbow,
I close my eyes and remember life,
the little smiles strewn my way.
Not a single day of mine sways by without a smile,
every aching step takes me to a further mile,
and I know life still is worth every bit of it,
through the streaks of tears and the victory smiles!!
I am mad about life !!!

A Not-so-live update...

Today we had a kitty party , with close to 15 ladies and half a dozen kids.A nice happy get-together ...into which I managed to sneak during my lunch-break,armed with the strawberry cheese cake and green-gram what-ever(innovation happened there!!).Just when I thought I was all-set to join the band-wagon ,with recipes and nice chatter...I discovered my mind had gone blank.

My interactions both at work and at a personal level , has mostly been with the 'X' gen.The few girl (special) friends I have , we are seldom into girl talk. And today I realised what a great disadvantage I was at.And when I shared my woe with a bird of my flock, I knew I had company.But she had a different situation to handle ...a language barrier.

Nevertheless the party was nice fun ...so many different cultures coming together ,
so many kids , funny noises...too many to classify as a howl or squeal:) The not-so-proficient cook that I am, I liked it when the kids liked the chesse cake. I should work more on my cooking ...and more than that ... grooming the gentler side of my gender.Thatz where I need to get back to!!!!

Well, thatz for now...happy-weekend!!!

Oh ..I almost forgot ...belated Diwali wishes!!!

Wishing you the warmth of love ...all year through ..and more light and laughter
to fill your days!!!

First snow :-)

Itz Monday and I got to work with nothing short of a bad-mood.Work no longer seems very appealing ...even music seems to fail in pepping up my spirit.Everyone (well,.. almost everyone) around appear to share my enthusiasm.This morning I was hoping for a little sign of hope,that life still makes sense...something to make me happy...some reason to walk the way.

Its almost like the heavens have ears ...it snowed !!! I got to see the first snow for the season.Took a short stroll to get as much snow on me...felt like a cookie getting sprinkled with sugar :-) Life has beautiful ways bringing sun-shine into our days...aint it?

I have so very many things to share ...but just when I sat down to blog , my spirits hit low and I opt out of the idea.Would find enough enthusiasm to pen my thoughts sometime.

An update from the obsessive chocoholic : For my sweet-tooth appeasing, I ve moved from my favourite mint patties to special dark kisses from Hershey's. Friends say too much of mint is not good for me.Google dint have much to say on that...but even I felt I ve not been feeling particularly good after downing around 30 mint patties a day.

Now, that lunch is done, I will get back to work, try and have as much done.

Ciao!!!

Snap-shot of me...

Its really lovely the way life inspires us... through simple things , unusual places, casual conversations, lazy blog-hopping, strangers or random browsing...I simply love
every bit of it.

Oh , its difficult to handle me when I m inspired ...I get very rest-less and then want things rolling right then...and you should ask me what I m inspired to....mostly reading...time and again.I am at office now ...all inspired ...and you know the rest..dont you?!!!!

Yet another thing to go back to is story-telling...since there are nt any kids around to put at stake,I am my own audience.And friends who know, know of my eccentricity ...that I get chatty with myself.The best person I love to converse with is me :-)

Off-late I ve got myself into this habit of piling up books on my bed-side table...and then devour them like I ve never read before.Sometimes it is random picks,the genre does not matter ...and then the ones that get hunt-down based on reviews from friends.I am so glad that there are soo many around to share the titles with me.

The illustrated story-book for Vinay is a pending project I ve to get back to.Looks like hez gonna be all grown-up by the time the book is in place.Its just that there are too many characters that I ve thought out and am yet to figure out the scheme to fit them in place.

May be I ll post my stories here in my blog...someday ...not very far...

Until then...stay inspired...life is beautiful...

Current mood: ***** Happy , contented, dreamy, inspired *****

And I learnt what is love...

Back when I was little, I was a pampered , loved child, with lotsa loving souls and great friends around.From there on I grew up into a bag of oddities...mostly a rebel.But one thing I ve never changed is about the whirl-pools of confusions I breed within.Funny , sometimes I think as if therez not going to be another day?!!!

Well, having had love all around , I entered my wed-lock with not much expectations, or may be quite critical of what more good the institution can bring forth? For me it was a social obligation.Nothing more.

Itz 2 years since that happened and now I look back and realize how much meaning the other person has brought into my so called "social obligation".And any credit to me on that front would be unfair.

All along , I thought marital Love is about smiles, hugs, roses, endearing words, long drives, candle-lit dinner, big dreams , professing, passion, romance , cuddling together for a movie, ...and I realise I m light years from reality.Those are reminiscent thoughts from an over-enthused teenager.

He taught me what love is:

Love is when in the first week of marriage I say , "May be I should have waited...", and he says," Take your time to think.I ll wait".

Love is when I fall sick and he tries to help and I scream "Leave me alone " ...he simply stands away, hiding his concern, trying to ease me back to sanity.

Love is when he says, " I m there for you", after a series of nerve-wrecks I ve put him through.

Love is about his wanting to see happiness in my face , no matter where /who the source is.

Love is about the many reminders he gives , despite my irrational and rude resistance , knowing I would need them.

Love is about listening to my incessant monologues , mostly consisting of bickerings, whimpers, fears, complaints , with frequent smudges of tears...all this thru the late hours , with all the loads of work to deal with the next day.

Love is about his telling, "I m feeling hungry..I gotto go", to let me get some sleep , when I was all about a drunken conversation...

Love is when he asks," Do you love me?" and I say,"Konjam".And he says "Thatz ok for now.We will make it 'more' someday".

Love is his patience when I go head-over-heels for a friend or my folk and absolute indifference when it is him.

Love is about his forgiving my bluntness in the name of frankness.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4

I v e learnt Love better with life...thanks to the decision I took 2 years ago...without a thought.

Habits die hard...nevertheless I ve decided to try..to break away from my oddities, mistakes,mixed-up thinking, irrational spurts of over-reactions...do a formatting of my disk.Its high-time I pitched in...after all , marriage is not a "social obligation" ;-)

Again, this might irk you ...but this is what I thought: "In a strange sense , my being a brat got me to this episode...which I would like to call , 'awakening '."
Me and my dirty, self-indulgent ego...how hard I try to justify?!!!

Writing all this with the earnest hope that he would not come here...unless I pestered him to...

And Madhu , if you are here ...dont ever tell me that!!! And, Thank you for loving me the way you love me...

Life needs more...

You dont have to ask a 'sorry' for me to forgive.
I am quite incapable of doing anything other than that.
Or may be I can forget.

You know, therez this funny thing about love:
Just as..when its someone you love, little things
can seem more special and simple words can mean a lot.
Little hurts ...ache so much ;
Faint fault-lines broaden the wedge.

You have more love than my heart can hold;
I am a colder person , a truth I dont deny.
I prefer a cold heart to breaking one.
May be you have your own questions.
Everyone has their own....questions and pain.

I am confused as ever ...But the pain,
it is sharp and clear.
I close my eyes and feel it throb.
And, I remember why I chose to keep away.
I ve not judged you to stop loving you.
Still , I ll remember my decision.

True...you dont have to explain yourself,
I know you much better than you can explain.
But I ve to tell you about the greater lesson that you taught:
Love is just not enough.
Life needs more.

Just when I need it ...

I see this as todays' quote :

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."
-Marie Curie

Do I call this coincidence or divine intervention ?

Whatever it is , I am grateful for that ...

So long...good night ...

Funny Ashu had to flick back my sense of time to life...I m very much here ...work and life keep my hands full...but the most demanding is my thinking.I m almost an insomniac...blame it on my thinking!!

I m not hurt , angry ,upset,ambitious, planning or doing anything quite sensible.But just when I want to turn my thinking off, I ve a thousand thoughts flashing by.So random , so exhausting.Itz been quite some days since I ve slept well.This simply is nt me!!THIS is me!!! I can sleep straight for 11 hours, just about any time I decide to!!!

This might be out of place,nevertheless, wanted to quote my best friend:
" Biriyani is delicious and good when you have it once in a while.
Not every day.
White rice is not all that rich and tasty,
But thatz what will keep us going everyday , without any harm".

The simplicity and sensibility of his statement makes me smile.I should learn to appreciate the very many simple, humble things that I take for granted.

My over-worked brain is just too tired now...guess it will be a good night's sleep for me tonight :-)

Let our dreams meet and dance in their wakefulness ...sleep thee well !!!

A snap-shot of me...

It is funny the way things like familiar music , food , fragrances and familiar routines makes one feel at home.

I m at office , working as I am listening to music , and just the familiar music
makes me feel I m back in my home country.For a while I forget that I m exactly on the other side of the world :-)

Enjoying this idea of drowning myself in the cocktail of work and music ...the whole thing is so intoxicating ...I m having a private party here !!!

Can a day get any better ?

Sometimes I prefer contentment to joy...today is one such day.

My sunday life

This weekend taught me one more lesson ...initially ...probably a month ago ..I had big plans.But then ...this weekend ...sitting down as I type this post , I realise,"Man proposes ;God disposes". I realise that I donot have control over my next milli-second.

And now about my sunday :

7.30: Rise and Shine

8.00 : Calls and voip talks with folks in India and voice chat and communication of all form...howling, scowling inclusive ;-)

9.30 to 11.30: Prayer meeting...quite an unusual place for a not-so-religious person
like me.I believe in God ...not religions.But this place was close-by my library and I thought I ll just drop in to see whatz up with life at that corner.And I really liked it there.I had no prapers to offer...just gratitude in bounty.I like the music they played and the lead singer was good.And I enjoyed the sing-alongs.

11.30 to 2.00 : County library ...hoaged and enjoyed a hazel-nut coffee , a good read , a little hunt for books, and then sat down to enjoy the rains.And I love watching the rains.Its been pouring rains ...on and off ...from the morning .Infact the entire week has been like that.

2.00 to 4.00 : Shopped for winter clothing with 3 other friends of the hasty gender.They call it time-conscious and I call them hasty.I m done shopping for the winter.Next time , someone please boo if I go shopping for clothes.

4.30: Enjoyed a nice , hot chai latte from a friend's and popped half a crocin , for the head-ache and throat-ache that started couple of hours ago.

4.45: Bloggin on my friend's system , listening to him teasing me about the choice of books from the library...I got 5 of them today. One is a recommended title from Pooj .."One hundred years of solitude". Rest were random picks.

And the rest of the day looks like I ll do a bit of yapping and then head home to crash for a good-night's sleep.Here I go...forgetting the realisation I had in the first place....

This is where I am now...next moment I m not sure.

This moment I m here...I m alive and contented ...though not happy.Hope my throat-ache leaves me soon.

Today is a good day to live :-)

Too lazy to think of a title..

If you were my friend, I would walk with you,
rattling every single metal off my mind;
if you were my colleague we could give each other a nod,
And gladly crib about the bugs and looming dead-lines;
if you were my enemy I can brew hatred
and with all evil pleasure , drown you, the beast;
if you were a stranger I would have blown you a smile,
or may be chatted for while;
You are not any of these, but still you haunt my days,
like a dementor , a shadow ... a ghost.
Crawling through my days, casting your darkness
every now and then ,breaking my smile just when it blooms.
No... that just is not what you do...therez more:
Sometimes your goodness scares me ...I fear intentions.
Through your rude words and wrecking comments,
I see care...camouflaged.
There was a time I was scared of you
for the brilliance that you held;
The scare has not changed...just the reason:
You can break me from within.
In bellowing words ....loud and clear,
now I know ...it never was meant to be.
Hidden from prying eyes ,within my secrets walls,
I wish I could mean what I say.
I know I never ever will get there.
I am incapable of hating you...not just you,
anyone for that matter.
If you think I hinted my love saying that,
you are terribly mistaken,
I dont take the same lesson twice;
You made me so...worldy-wise.
Those I love , I see them through my heart,
others ...just through my eyes.
For you , my eyes would do.

P.S: I am at this point of time (I might mean just today), ...numb,in a care-a-damn mind-set , or may be just too tired...one thing for sure I am not ...angry at anyone(self included).This piece is just shot-off from the impatient, restless part of me , may be a stress-buster.If we know each other and you know the weird ways I think ,you should know what to do when I say,"Dont give this a thought".Trust me.This is no tirade.

Smiling through the night :-)

Well , if you thought something inside my head cranked up ...may be you are right...but to me it does not matter.

I am happy :-)

I ve always been a lucky little brat ..always surrounded by the best of people ...whether itz the someone I do crazy things with ( like walking on a main street...wading through the waters ..with foot-wear in hand ;) ) , or the someone on whose lap I lie down and cry , or the someone with whom I talk through the night as if there would not be another day , or the someone with whom I walked down the university ...hand in hand , or the someone who makes me laugh , or the someone whoz Dharma to the me whoz Grey ,or the someone with whom I relish noodles,music and tang and sweet nothings until it is dawn , or the someone to whom I can simply say "I hate you " and know that I would be understood , or the someone with whom I ve been a partner in crime , or the butterfly whoz my online sanity-saver or the someone who taught me my life's biggest lesson, ...each one of them....

Sometimes the joy is overwhelming ...humbling ...to realise that I ve been just more than blessed ...

3 years ago I would ve jumped in joy ... these days I ve lost my insanity ...I can only smile ... a well-thought , calm , smile ...full of gratitude and contentment.But I ve not abandoned my weridity ..right in the middle of the night (the time is 1.35 CST) , thinking of all my special people and smiling.

I like this crazy part of me ...crying as to fill the world's oceans..and rejoicing as if all heavens were let loose...That simply is me :-)

I m enjoying it here...this planet is a great place to be !!!!

What ya say?

P.S: Just one more thing for me to feel lucky about ...the auto-save in blogger that kept in-tact this post through the cranky net session.I almost thought I lost this all...

A snap-shot of me

After a long time , I feel fear and overwhelmed by an emotion I cannot give a name or explain.But I just aint feeling good.I m that kind of person ...who gets scared for things I dont know ...for reasons not very obvious.I am not very good at tracking down the trigger.I know therez one.May be itz the tough day I had been through.

Just when I want to have my folks around me ...atleast at calling distance ...I ve misplaced my cell-phone.A night without my cell-phone is ok....but just not tonight.
Trying hard to save my sanity and that is the very reason that this post is happening now.

I dont want to consider the option of chatting for the simple reason that I m going to startle my people when out of the blue I say ,"I m scared".Chat is a tough medium to relate on an emotional level.

I know everything is going to be just fine.I just have to believe what I know.Now , I ll go bury my head in my pillows....my thoughts ..I dont know what to do with them..

On a lighter note ...tears are good for me...they keep my eyes nice , clean and moist :-)

Chao....

An update and few more thoughts

The last couple of weeks had been quite eventful...new places , new people , known people with new faces , new experiences ...thatz a lot of learning for a short span.

The weekend before the previous (Sep 9, 2007) , had been to Doug's beautiful lake cabin. Did quite a bit of adventure stuff...tubing and water -skiing.Well with skiing , I was almost there :) When in the waters , I feel at home ..( ofcourse with my life jacket on).I enjoyed the part where I got a little more adventurous going under the boat to untangle the tubing-rope from the rudder.Should learn swimming sometime.

With some people , you spend quite so much time together ...but not vocalize any bonding and therez no path together.But its good , two parallel paths ...no merging , no crossing , free-to-divulge ...and yet together.Time and again I realise any good relationship makes the people in it , independent and each other special.

And then there are others with whom you had once walked the same path together holding hands, though now the path has forked .And when the paths cross again , the
warmth comes back into the heart.But then you know it at heart , it may not last.It rather not.This wary makes the bond more of logic than emotional.

Oh..and then the other kind ..who vocalize so very much and give you the feel good pleasure.The best bet is to do the learning and move on.It does not hurt to love.But where love ends , hurt is inevitable. Itz ok to get hurt once in a while.You will remember you still have a heart...and that you still are vulnerable.

Last weekend (Sep 15 , 16) I had been to Chicago , which I would not call an eventful trip ...but rather an adventurous one.What else would you call one where the major part was getting lost ?! But fun is fun ...even when you are lost.

This weekend ..the one thatz happening now , is kinda laid-back , recuperation , relaxing and dreaming ...and I m enjoying it this way.The best part is I actually am making up for all the thinking which I missed the last couple of weekends.

Well , at this point this is more than an update ...thatz live news :-) I ll take leave with that.Have a great weekend all!!!

My immediate needs

-> An yellow rainbow
-> A switch to turn my thinking off
-> Chocolates that wont give me calories
-> Gentle rainswhen the sun is high
-> Warmer weather inside the office
-> Lotsa sleep
-> Loved ones to speak my mind off ...IN PERSON
-> Some interesting food to eat...(interesting = anything vegetarian Indian)
-> More music
-> A walk in the woods

A snap-shot of me

Off-late I m caught up in a sand-storm of emotions , thoughts, that my visibility is close to zero and am acting in very strange ways.Ways I ve never seen myself walk and thoughts I ve never thought.

Last noon , I had been to the library to pick books for my week's reading and was overwhelmed by their multitudious presence , that I shed a tear or two.Dont know if it was the numerous options I was presented with , that made me feel overwhelmed...or is their proliferous presence just the last straw?

These days I m more comfortable having books and music around, rather than people.Not that I hold anything my loved ones or the human race , may be I m losing my ability to express myself.I dont want to try...not for a little while.

Another thing I m actually trying out is to test the limits of my humility and sometimes I m surprised at how untamed my ego or pride (I dont know which one) has grown , without me noticing. But I m being a prudent master.

If only a visit to the library , the choices , if they overwhelm you , these are some books that may appeal to you:

I , Rigoberto Menchu
Bridge across forever , Richard Bach
Crossing borders , Rigoberto Menchu
House made of dawn , N. Scott Momaday

I read this post after having typed it out and it simply is a medley.If you can make a little sense of this , call yourself 'lucky ' :-)

Catch you later...

A self-inflicted murder

She walks the name-less streets, amidst the face-less strangers;
Even if they did have names or faces, it really dint matter.
She speaks the language that will never be understood.
Being understood is of no good either.

She stares deep into the wilderness , which is all within her;
Even it were otherwise , she does not know where to go.
Her stead-fast walk looks impressive ,
despite her tattered clothes.
But looks can be very deceptive,
the truth remains: She has no place to go.

I made her that way, haggard, torn and numb.
I stole her of her joyful smiles and
marred the beauty she was meant to be.
She is now many a times stoned,
but she gives a smile so dumb.
Pity ...her cradle is her coffin.

She was given unto the hands of a stranger to her heart.
It was I who did it.
What hurts her most is not the stones nor the stranger,
but the fact that she is abandoned to eternity.
And the doer of the deed is abandoned as much.
Wounds heal, pain fades ...scars remain.

Happy Independence Day India :-)

A snap-shot of me

Yesterday , I waded in the waters of a calm , clear , beautiful lake.I was thinking about the turbulence that the previous day's rain should ve brought upon the lake.I watched a leaf fall...ripe and gracious.I walked over lots of them,I heard them rustle under my feet.

I like the woods ...the crickets , the bees (or may be the wasps..I cant tell between the two) , the earthern-smell,the calm waters, the trees, the breeze ...especially after a rain.They feed my senses and do something to me which i donot know what...something very good.Not a passing feeling...but a staying calm.

I dont know if I m calm or at peace or contented or am simply tired.What ever it is
I like it now.I like what I m in the woods.

I read this:

"I wrote a poem to the moon

But no one noticed it;

Although I hoped that late or soon

Someone would praise a bit

Its purity and grace forlone,

Its beauty tulip-cool...

But as my poem died still-born,

I felt a fool.



I wrote a verse of vulgar trend

Spiced with an oath or two;

I tacked a snapper at the end

And called it Dan McGrew .

I spouted it to bar-room boys,

Full fifty years away;

Yet still with rude and ribald noise

It lives today.



'Tis bitter truth, but there you are-

That's how a name is made;

Write of a rose, a lark, a star,

You'll never make the grade.

But write of gutter and of grime,

Of pimp and prostitute,

The multitude will read your rhyme,

And pay to boot.



So what's the use to burn and bleed

And strive for beauty's sake?

No one your poetry will read,

Your heart will only break.

But set your song in vulgar pitch,

If rhyme you will not rue,

And make your heroine a bitch...

Like Lady Lou ."

- Robert William Service, "My Cross"

And it made perfect sense to me!!!

Yet another rattle...

Things are getting better at my corner of the world.The sun is shining brighter , the grass is greener, the winged-ones are chirping merrier than ever.Ofcourse itz summer , but then I am talking about the sun-shine within :-)

For the last couple of weeks I was going through a not-so-smooth patch.But now things have changed for better.For one, I m doing the right things , well , atleast some, and that puts a smile on my days:-)

Over the troubled-week I just came up with a prayer(not that I m all that pious!!) :

"God , give me the pride to do things on my own , when I can;
And the humility to ask for help when there are things I cannot."

Time to get back to work ...ciao!!!!

Keep smiling :-)