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Sunday, December 23, 2007

Something to share ...

A beautiful quote I came across and I wanted to share :

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
-Charles Bubois

Life is one wonderful experience and I simply cannot love it more!!!

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New year to you!!!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Yeah ..itz me ...rattling again!!!

Did I tell you how glum and pathetic I was making my days?! Well , be thankful if you dint hear that part of the story...I hate to hear it myself :)

And then another crazy thing is that I m thinking in terms of blog posts these days. Infact I would ve written close to 10 posts yesterday inside my head.Thatz how much of thinking thatz happening...and the genre is quite varied ... about career , family , friends, fantasy , big plans , next day's lunch ,waters, movies, snow,learning something new, about using a chapstick,teh spring I miss, following 2 different clock-ticks ...oh my therez so much to think in this world!!!!

Allthis thinking and so,it has been so difficult for me to get some sleep .I was really scared I will go crazy if I dint sleep.Sleep is water to me...cant do without it.With all the worrying and glum thoughts ... I visualized myself getting into the boring adultdom...the wrinkled fore-heads, lost smiles, concentrated rationality, diluted enthusiasm...all things plain and uniniteresting.

And all it takes to bring back the fizz is this !!!!

To feel the joy of being our old selves...sure is priceless. And when this guy talks about that ... I should say he simply stole words from my mouth.

Long time ago I made a decision: However old and wrinkled I become, I ll never walk around like a zombie which has drunk hydrochloric acid. Growing old is simply not on my agenda :-)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Thought-farm - Seed 2

What started with love, ... guided by respect, thrives on communication. Communication is vital to keeping any relationship at glides. Relationships apart , communication, clear and honest, can make our everyday lives easy.

Communication involves 2 aspects - listening and speaking.Openness is inevitable to communication both listening and speaking."Nonjudgmental" is the word I like to use here (and I would not deny the difficulty it presents in practising).

One lesson I picked up from a knowledgeable friend was that , " Always keep your ears open. What you listen may be obscure to you now.But no knowledge is use-less".

And with relationships, we kind-of get stuck and tamper the communication channel when we want to hear only the things we want to hear. When we become selective about what we want to hear , we close doors on people who count on us to hear ... and not mandating us to listen.If everyone thought like the other , it does not take two!!!

Many times, we all are struck by the urge to be good and not to hurt, that we speak things completely tangential to what we think.Well, the truth is that truth is all too powerful to stay sub-dued for long...and even if it is sub-dued , the effort it takes to keep it low is way too overwhelming.We will end up wishing we had it out in the first place.

It can be something as simple as a dead-line we might not meet or a party we dont want to show up at or a friend's attitude you resent or something as impactful as a job you want to quit or a relationship that is asking too much of you. Putting up with things will only worsen the wound.

Quite ironically, people find it easier to handle the truth than to take feel-good stuff. Have nt there been times when we were scared our wits out to say the truth and said it anyway, just to find rather surprising , better reactions? Well, that just is what I m talking about :-)

Do let me know what you think...

Friday, December 14, 2007

Thought-farm - Seed 1

Itz more than a week now ...I ve been trying to sort things here at this blog.I am starting to feel I m over-doing that part and so here I start.

Remembering a lesson I was taught back in school ( as part of march-past ):

The two vital factors for any relationship - Love and Respect. Love is that factor that mellows the heart and makes it open up to both giving and receiving .And then 'respect' , that stands beyond all superfluous tones, is that which is reminds that the other person is as deserving as one is in the relationship , love inclusive. While love says, " You are my everything ...I ll do die for you", respect says , " You are important to me ... I ll be here around to make you happy".
Respect is more of a logical but mandatory factor.

It is not uncommon to see love being epitomised all over and hardly anyone speaks of 'respect'.The reason being as simple as, the heart is more vulnerable and convincible than the brain , and short-cuts never fail to allure!!

Love lets you take the first step forward, but respect is what keeps the journey going.

Love is beautiful , enchanting ...the holding-hands , the sharing , long drives , walks , sweet-nothings ...all of it.The feeling is way too over-powering to resist. And then there is aftermath ...tough times , mundane days , rough patches, when 'love' is the last thing on your mind.Respect is the rudder that drives the rough acknowledge that no-one is perfect , understanding that it is ok to falter , that everyone needs their own space, that wrong decisions lead to right ones , that it is ok to make mistakes and in sticking out for each other.

A check-list with these two factors can primarily help one judge where one is heading to...

Well , that is my first step forward on this series.Share your thoughts ... I would love to hear.

A quick glance on what all slipped-by while I was away from this space: Two birthday (one of it happens to be mine :-) ), my first-ever many things , a few tears and a couple of smiles.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Re-defining this space

Off-late , I ve not been particularly happy about my blog....its not about the dwindling fan-fare ( which I dont have in the first place) or the lack of comments ...itz about what I write and the way I write. As a reader , I feel that my blog should be something more than what it is should make some more sense and value-addition ...apart from the obvious fact that its my way of sharing.

I m choosing to be move away from being myopic.And my fascination for people and human relationships and my curiosity on those lines will be my source.I know that throwing myself at this possibility is a commitment...just like the one made on Oct 05 , 2004: To start a blog and keep it going.(Well, hope you dont go back there, into the attic ...I feel so funny about that post...embarrassed to be honest.)

I m going to take a while, may be a couple of days , to figure out how I want to structure my posts here-on.

While I do ground-work on my stuff, you stay warm and happy :-)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Whatz with me...

Itz been quite some days since I ve been away from my blog and not without reasons ( excuses?!) .The best bet would be to limit to just the obvious one - writer's block (laziness?!!)

Now that I ve bounced back I want to put down the stuff I ve been upto over the last couple of weeks.Believe it or not cooking was the in thing then...over the thanks-giving weekend and there after ;) Had friends (mine and his) over for dinner couple of times and I really enjoyed cooking the elaborate course(s). I love cooking :-) If you know me a nd are surprised ...dont be...more than a chore is a creative canvas.I would go on starving rather than cook a regular meal...more so if itz just me.There was also a teeny-weeny slice of Thanks-giving shopping as well.

Last week I was upto some experiments with my spiritual self...getting myself to newer vistas..but looks like old habits die hard.I m more of logic than an open-mind.Still,somehow I m moved by the idea of having a faith so deep and strong enough to move you to tears ; A faith to hang on to when all your hopes have forsaken you.I yearn for an open mind and it remains an yearning.

Last week it was farewell time at office...lotsa people rolled-off.One person I miss a little more than I expected to miss is the Caribou Manager. Sure thing I ve not spoken as much...may be grabbing coffee together and occassional chats was all of my interaction with the guy. It saddens me to see someone else in his seat ...every morning (though the cubical was shared in past as well ...may be the fact that hez not gonna be in).I m thinking of a detour there.

The incident helped my discover that I can never be a contractor, I would be crying from one job to another. I m already starting to miss squistle...hes been my charm for the past several months.Saving my sanity ..not just with work.Times like this remind me:I do have a heart ( a fact I often get dubious of).

I ve become pathetic with my conversations.I ve developed quite a disability with speaking out what I think or feel.I ve an innate filtering system ( one I dint choose) ...either I dont want to sound silly , or vulnerable or opinionated or pathetic. And if ever I want to speak out something from my heart ...I go completely blank for words.And I end up simply smiling.Inside I simply choke.I m so unlike me?!!!!

I ve come to understand that our individual selves are greatly defined by the environment we are put into.When I m back home , I ll be my suny self :) Here itz too cold, I hardly feel like shining thru.

Well, itz the EOD after an exhausting weekend and the only thing I can do is to be done with this post and yawn.I m all tired and sleepy.The errands I ve ahead :-(

Oh did I tell you ..itz all snow here ... and feels like heaven!! Some time over this week I m gonna try walking on the lake behind my house ..itz all frozen :-)

Thatz for now...Ciao !!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Elemental love....

Every time you smiled I felt breeze.
With every step you took towards me,
I sensed my earth spin faster.
The shine in your eyes made my fire fiercer.
When I looked for a roof, you became my sky.
Now you walk away and it rains in my heart...

P.S: Funny how I manage to write poems like a school gurl :p

Thursday, November 15, 2007

An aspiration...

There are some things in life that I simply cannot come to terms with.Sometimes itz not even things...its people.I ve to admit that I m awfully pathetic with my ability to being good for goodness sake.A hollow compliment for feel good sake does not come from me.Oh my ..the trouble it takes to get over with such critical situations ... situations that require a grey response instead of a black or white one.

And did I tell you about one person whose arrogance and attitude has managed to win my admiration as much as my demonition ? Well , there is this person who imagines oneself as standing beyond the comprehension of the species 'Homo-sapien'.May be its true ..may be its not.But what impresses me most is simply the effort to get there.I would fall head o'er heels for any person who can stand beyond situations, emotions, bondings ...unperturbed.The reason being my inability to step into that haven.

I imagine the feeling would be angelic...expansive..being too complete to be hurt; too generous to hurt.Can anyone be too complete or too generous?I think I ll leave that question open-ended for what I call ... 'now'.

Today, I m full of thoughts.Without a paper and pen, I would have choked.I really have nt thought about why I write.An obvious reason is that I love writing and may be one of the not-so-obvious reasons is this: To save myself from drowning in my own thoughts.

Itz been quite a rant from me today it not?Its because today was one such thinking was on crest and my tolenrence on trough.

Another thing I liked about having done today is leaving my book behind.That left me with no choice other than to think.And I also enjoyed the idea of watching myself and observing my thought-flow.Eventually I ll get to a point where I can actually control them....the multitudinous thoughts.

I aspire to be be too generous...too stand beyond the idea of appreciation or criticism or hate ...or winning or losing...beyond all dichotomy that have ever been discovered.

Thatz from me for now...Ciao!!!!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Mad about life...

When I feel hollow with-in,
when earth takes me for quite a spin,
when my days are of shades grey and blue,
when my heart pines for a brighter hue,
a little sun-shine , snow,
chai-latte or may be a rainbow,
I close my eyes and remember life,
the little smiles strewn my way.
Not a single day of mine sways by without a smile,
every aching step takes me to a further mile,
and I know life still is worth every bit of it,
through the streaks of tears and the victory smiles!!
I am mad about life !!!

Friday, November 09, 2007

A Not-so-live update...

Today we had a kitty party , with close to 15 ladies and half a dozen kids.A nice happy get-together ...into which I managed to sneak during my lunch-break,armed with the strawberry cheese cake and green-gram what-ever(innovation happened there!!).Just when I thought I was all-set to join the band-wagon ,with recipes and nice chatter...I discovered my mind had gone blank.

My interactions both at work and at a personal level , has mostly been with the 'X' gen.The few girl (special) friends I have , we are seldom into girl talk. And today I realised what a great disadvantage I was at.And when I shared my woe with a bird of my flock, I knew I had company.But she had a different situation to handle ...a language barrier.

Nevertheless the party was nice fun many different cultures coming together ,
so many kids , funny noises...too many to classify as a howl or squeal:) The not-so-proficient cook that I am, I liked it when the kids liked the chesse cake. I should work more on my cooking ...and more than that ... grooming the gentler side of my gender.Thatz where I need to get back to!!!!

Well, thatz for now...happy-weekend!!!

Oh ..I almost forgot ...belated Diwali wishes!!!

Wishing you the warmth of love ...all year through ..and more light and laughter
to fill your days!!!

Monday, November 05, 2007

First snow :-)

Itz Monday and I got to work with nothing short of a bad-mood.Work no longer seems very appealing ...even music seems to fail in pepping up my spirit.Everyone (well,.. almost everyone) around appear to share my enthusiasm.This morning I was hoping for a little sign of hope,that life still makes sense...something to make me happy...some reason to walk the way.

Its almost like the heavens have ears snowed !!! I got to see the first snow for the season.Took a short stroll to get as much snow on me...felt like a cookie getting sprinkled with sugar :-) Life has beautiful ways bringing sun-shine into our days...aint it?

I have so very many things to share ...but just when I sat down to blog , my spirits hit low and I opt out of the idea.Would find enough enthusiasm to pen my thoughts sometime.

An update from the obsessive chocoholic : For my sweet-tooth appeasing, I ve moved from my favourite mint patties to special dark kisses from Hershey's. Friends say too much of mint is not good for me.Google dint have much to say on that...but even I felt I ve not been feeling particularly good after downing around 30 mint patties a day.

Now, that lunch is done, I will get back to work, try and have as much done.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Snap-shot of me...

Its really lovely the way life inspires us... through simple things , unusual places, casual conversations, lazy blog-hopping, strangers or random browsing...I simply love
every bit of it.

Oh , its difficult to handle me when I m inspired ...I get very rest-less and then want things rolling right then...and you should ask me what I m inspired to....mostly reading...time and again.I am at office now ...all inspired ...and you know the rest..dont you?!!!!

Yet another thing to go back to is story-telling...since there are nt any kids around to put at stake,I am my own audience.And friends who know, know of my eccentricity ...that I get chatty with myself.The best person I love to converse with is me :-)

Off-late I ve got myself into this habit of piling up books on my bed-side table...and then devour them like I ve never read before.Sometimes it is random picks,the genre does not matter ...and then the ones that get hunt-down based on reviews from friends.I am so glad that there are soo many around to share the titles with me.

The illustrated story-book for Vinay is a pending project I ve to get back to.Looks like hez gonna be all grown-up by the time the book is in place.Its just that there are too many characters that I ve thought out and am yet to figure out the scheme to fit them in place.

May be I ll post my stories here in my blog...someday ...not very far...

Until then...stay is beautiful...

Current mood: ***** Happy , contented, dreamy, inspired *****

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

And I learnt what is love...

Back when I was little, I was a pampered , loved child, with lotsa loving souls and great friends around.From there on I grew up into a bag of oddities...mostly a rebel.But one thing I ve never changed is about the whirl-pools of confusions I breed within.Funny , sometimes I think as if therez not going to be another day?!!!

Well, having had love all around , I entered my wed-lock with not much expectations, or may be quite critical of what more good the institution can bring forth? For me it was a social obligation.Nothing more.

Itz 2 years since that happened and now I look back and realize how much meaning the other person has brought into my so called "social obligation".And any credit to me on that front would be unfair.

All along , I thought marital Love is about smiles, hugs, roses, endearing words, long drives, candle-lit dinner, big dreams , professing, passion, romance , cuddling together for a movie, ...and I realise I m light years from reality.Those are reminiscent thoughts from an over-enthused teenager.

He taught me what love is:

Love is when in the first week of marriage I say , "May be I should have waited...", and he says," Take your time to think.I ll wait".

Love is when I fall sick and he tries to help and I scream "Leave me alone " ...he simply stands away, hiding his concern, trying to ease me back to sanity.

Love is when he says, " I m there for you", after a series of nerve-wrecks I ve put him through.

Love is about his wanting to see happiness in my face , no matter where /who the source is.

Love is about the many reminders he gives , despite my irrational and rude resistance , knowing I would need them.

Love is about listening to my incessant monologues , mostly consisting of bickerings, whimpers, fears, complaints , with frequent smudges of tears...all this thru the late hours , with all the loads of work to deal with the next day.

Love is about his telling, "I m feeling hungry..I gotto go", to let me get some sleep , when I was all about a drunken conversation...

Love is when he asks," Do you love me?" and I say,"Konjam".And he says "Thatz ok for now.We will make it 'more' someday".

Love is his patience when I go head-over-heels for a friend or my folk and absolute indifference when it is him.

Love is about his forgiving my bluntness in the name of frankness.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4

I v e learnt Love better with life...thanks to the decision I took 2 years ago...without a thought.

Habits die hard...nevertheless I ve decided to break away from my oddities, mistakes,mixed-up thinking, irrational spurts of a formatting of my disk.Its high-time I pitched in...after all , marriage is not a "social obligation" ;-)

Again, this might irk you ...but this is what I thought: "In a strange sense , my being a brat got me to this episode...which I would like to call , 'awakening '."
Me and my dirty, self-indulgent hard I try to justify?!!!

Writing all this with the earnest hope that he would not come here...unless I pestered him to...

And Madhu , if you are here ...dont ever tell me that!!! And, Thank you for loving me the way you love me...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Life needs more...

You dont have to ask a 'sorry' for me to forgive.
I am quite incapable of doing anything other than that.
Or may be I can forget.

You know, therez this funny thing about love:
Just as..when its someone you love, little things
can seem more special and simple words can mean a lot.
Little hurts ...ache so much ;
Faint fault-lines broaden the wedge.

You have more love than my heart can hold;
I am a colder person , a truth I dont deny.
I prefer a cold heart to breaking one.
May be you have your own questions.
Everyone has their own....questions and pain.

I am confused as ever ...But the pain,
it is sharp and clear.
I close my eyes and feel it throb.
And, I remember why I chose to keep away.
I ve not judged you to stop loving you.
Still , I ll remember my decision. dont have to explain yourself,
I know you much better than you can explain.
But I ve to tell you about the greater lesson that you taught:
Love is just not enough.
Life needs more.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Just when I need it ...

I see this as todays' quote :

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."
-Marie Curie

Do I call this coincidence or divine intervention ?

Whatever it is , I am grateful for that ...

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

So long...good night ...

Funny Ashu had to flick back my sense of time to life...I m very much here and life keep my hands full...but the most demanding is my thinking.I m almost an insomniac...blame it on my thinking!!

I m not hurt , angry ,upset,ambitious, planning or doing anything quite sensible.But just when I want to turn my thinking off, I ve a thousand thoughts flashing by.So random , so exhausting.Itz been quite some days since I ve slept well.This simply is nt me!!THIS is me!!! I can sleep straight for 11 hours, just about any time I decide to!!!

This might be out of place,nevertheless, wanted to quote my best friend:
" Biriyani is delicious and good when you have it once in a while.
Not every day.
White rice is not all that rich and tasty,
But thatz what will keep us going everyday , without any harm".

The simplicity and sensibility of his statement makes me smile.I should learn to appreciate the very many simple, humble things that I take for granted.

My over-worked brain is just too tired now...guess it will be a good night's sleep for me tonight :-)

Let our dreams meet and dance in their wakefulness ...sleep thee well !!!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

A snap-shot of me...

It is funny the way things like familiar music , food , fragrances and familiar routines makes one feel at home.

I m at office , working as I am listening to music , and just the familiar music
makes me feel I m back in my home country.For a while I forget that I m exactly on the other side of the world :-)

Enjoying this idea of drowning myself in the cocktail of work and music ...the whole thing is so intoxicating ...I m having a private party here !!!

Can a day get any better ?

Sometimes I prefer contentment to is one such day.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

My sunday life

This weekend taught me one more lesson ...initially ...probably a month ago ..I had big plans.But then ...this weekend ...sitting down as I type this post , I realise,"Man proposes ;God disposes". I realise that I donot have control over my next milli-second.

And now about my sunday :

7.30: Rise and Shine

8.00 : Calls and voip talks with folks in India and voice chat and communication of all form...howling, scowling inclusive ;-)

9.30 to 11.30: Prayer meeting...quite an unusual place for a not-so-religious person
like me.I believe in God ...not religions.But this place was close-by my library and I thought I ll just drop in to see whatz up with life at that corner.And I really liked it there.I had no prapers to offer...just gratitude in bounty.I like the music they played and the lead singer was good.And I enjoyed the sing-alongs.

11.30 to 2.00 : County library ...hoaged and enjoyed a hazel-nut coffee , a good read , a little hunt for books, and then sat down to enjoy the rains.And I love watching the rains.Its been pouring rains ...on and off ...from the morning .Infact the entire week has been like that.

2.00 to 4.00 : Shopped for winter clothing with 3 other friends of the hasty gender.They call it time-conscious and I call them hasty.I m done shopping for the winter.Next time , someone please boo if I go shopping for clothes.

4.30: Enjoyed a nice , hot chai latte from a friend's and popped half a crocin , for the head-ache and throat-ache that started couple of hours ago.

4.45: Bloggin on my friend's system , listening to him teasing me about the choice of books from the library...I got 5 of them today. One is a recommended title from Pooj .."One hundred years of solitude". Rest were random picks.

And the rest of the day looks like I ll do a bit of yapping and then head home to crash for a good-night's sleep.Here I go...forgetting the realisation I had in the first place....

This is where I am moment I m not sure.

This moment I m here...I m alive and contented ...though not happy.Hope my throat-ache leaves me soon.

Today is a good day to live :-)

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Too lazy to think of a title..

If you were my friend, I would walk with you,
rattling every single metal off my mind;
if you were my colleague we could give each other a nod,
And gladly crib about the bugs and looming dead-lines;
if you were my enemy I can brew hatred
and with all evil pleasure , drown you, the beast;
if you were a stranger I would have blown you a smile,
or may be chatted for while;
You are not any of these, but still you haunt my days,
like a dementor , a shadow ... a ghost.
Crawling through my days, casting your darkness
every now and then ,breaking my smile just when it blooms.
No... that just is not what you do...therez more:
Sometimes your goodness scares me ...I fear intentions.
Through your rude words and wrecking comments,
I see care...camouflaged.
There was a time I was scared of you
for the brilliance that you held;
The scare has not changed...just the reason:
You can break me from within.
In bellowing words ....loud and clear,
now I know never was meant to be.
Hidden from prying eyes ,within my secrets walls,
I wish I could mean what I say.
I know I never ever will get there.
I am incapable of hating you...not just you,
anyone for that matter.
If you think I hinted my love saying that,
you are terribly mistaken,
I dont take the same lesson twice;
You made me so...worldy-wise.
Those I love , I see them through my heart,
others ...just through my eyes.
For you , my eyes would do.

P.S: I am at this point of time (I might mean just today), ...numb,in a care-a-damn mind-set , or may be just too thing for sure I am not ...angry at anyone(self included).This piece is just shot-off from the impatient, restless part of me , may be a stress-buster.If we know each other and you know the weird ways I think ,you should know what to do when I say,"Dont give this a thought".Trust me.This is no tirade.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Smiling through the night :-)

Well , if you thought something inside my head cranked up ...may be you are right...but to me it does not matter.

I am happy :-)

I ve always been a lucky little brat ..always surrounded by the best of people ...whether itz the someone I do crazy things with ( like walking on a main street...wading through the waters ..with foot-wear in hand ;) ) , or the someone on whose lap I lie down and cry , or the someone with whom I talk through the night as if there would not be another day , or the someone with whom I walked down the university ...hand in hand , or the someone who makes me laugh , or the someone whoz Dharma to the me whoz Grey ,or the someone with whom I relish noodles,music and tang and sweet nothings until it is dawn , or the someone to whom I can simply say "I hate you " and know that I would be understood , or the someone with whom I ve been a partner in crime , or the butterfly whoz my online sanity-saver or the someone who taught me my life's biggest lesson, ...each one of them....

Sometimes the joy is overwhelming ...humbling realise that I ve been just more than blessed ...

3 years ago I would ve jumped in joy ... these days I ve lost my insanity ...I can only smile ... a well-thought , calm , smile ...full of gratitude and contentment.But I ve not abandoned my weridity ..right in the middle of the night (the time is 1.35 CST) , thinking of all my special people and smiling.

I like this crazy part of me ...crying as to fill the world's oceans..and rejoicing as if all heavens were let loose...That simply is me :-)

I m enjoying it here...this planet is a great place to be !!!!

What ya say?

P.S: Just one more thing for me to feel lucky about ...the auto-save in blogger that kept in-tact this post through the cranky net session.I almost thought I lost this all...

Monday, September 24, 2007

A snap-shot of me

After a long time , I feel fear and overwhelmed by an emotion I cannot give a name or explain.But I just aint feeling good.I m that kind of person ...who gets scared for things I dont know ...for reasons not very obvious.I am not very good at tracking down the trigger.I know therez one.May be itz the tough day I had been through.

Just when I want to have my folks around me ...atleast at calling distance ...I ve misplaced my cell-phone.A night without my cell-phone is ok....but just not tonight.
Trying hard to save my sanity and that is the very reason that this post is happening now.

I dont want to consider the option of chatting for the simple reason that I m going to startle my people when out of the blue I say ,"I m scared".Chat is a tough medium to relate on an emotional level.

I know everything is going to be just fine.I just have to believe what I know.Now , I ll go bury my head in my thoughts ..I dont know what to do with them..

On a lighter note ...tears are good for me...they keep my eyes nice , clean and moist :-)


Saturday, September 22, 2007

An update and few more thoughts

The last couple of weeks had been quite places , new people , known people with new faces , new experiences ...thatz a lot of learning for a short span.

The weekend before the previous (Sep 9, 2007) , had been to Doug's beautiful lake cabin. Did quite a bit of adventure stuff...tubing and water -skiing.Well with skiing , I was almost there :) When in the waters , I feel at home ..( ofcourse with my life jacket on).I enjoyed the part where I got a little more adventurous going under the boat to untangle the tubing-rope from the rudder.Should learn swimming sometime.

With some people , you spend quite so much time together ...but not vocalize any bonding and therez no path together.But its good , two parallel paths merging , no crossing , free-to-divulge ...and yet together.Time and again I realise any good relationship makes the people in it , independent and each other special.

And then there are others with whom you had once walked the same path together holding hands, though now the path has forked .And when the paths cross again , the
warmth comes back into the heart.But then you know it at heart , it may not last.It rather not.This wary makes the bond more of logic than emotional.

Oh..and then the other kind ..who vocalize so very much and give you the feel good pleasure.The best bet is to do the learning and move on.It does not hurt to love.But where love ends , hurt is inevitable. Itz ok to get hurt once in a while.You will remember you still have a heart...and that you still are vulnerable.

Last weekend (Sep 15 , 16) I had been to Chicago , which I would not call an eventful trip ...but rather an adventurous one.What else would you call one where the major part was getting lost ?! But fun is fun ...even when you are lost.

This weekend ..the one thatz happening now , is kinda laid-back , recuperation , relaxing and dreaming ...and I m enjoying it this way.The best part is I actually am making up for all the thinking which I missed the last couple of weekends.

Well , at this point this is more than an update ...thatz live news :-) I ll take leave with that.Have a great weekend all!!!

Friday, August 31, 2007

My immediate needs

-> An yellow rainbow
-> A switch to turn my thinking off
-> Chocolates that wont give me calories
-> Gentle rainswhen the sun is high
-> Warmer weather inside the office
-> Lotsa sleep
-> Loved ones to speak my mind off ...IN PERSON
-> Some interesting food to eat...(interesting = anything vegetarian Indian)
-> More music
-> A walk in the woods

Monday, August 27, 2007

A snap-shot of me

Off-late I m caught up in a sand-storm of emotions , thoughts, that my visibility is close to zero and am acting in very strange ways.Ways I ve never seen myself walk and thoughts I ve never thought.

Last noon , I had been to the library to pick books for my week's reading and was overwhelmed by their multitudious presence , that I shed a tear or two.Dont know if it was the numerous options I was presented with , that made me feel overwhelmed...or is their proliferous presence just the last straw?

These days I m more comfortable having books and music around, rather than people.Not that I hold anything my loved ones or the human race , may be I m losing my ability to express myself.I dont want to try...not for a little while.

Another thing I m actually trying out is to test the limits of my humility and sometimes I m surprised at how untamed my ego or pride (I dont know which one) has grown , without me noticing. But I m being a prudent master.

If only a visit to the library , the choices , if they overwhelm you , these are some books that may appeal to you:

I , Rigoberto Menchu
Bridge across forever , Richard Bach
Crossing borders , Rigoberto Menchu
House made of dawn , N. Scott Momaday

I read this post after having typed it out and it simply is a medley.If you can make a little sense of this , call yourself 'lucky ' :-)

Catch you later...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A self-inflicted murder

She walks the name-less streets, amidst the face-less strangers;
Even if they did have names or faces, it really dint matter.
She speaks the language that will never be understood.
Being understood is of no good either.

She stares deep into the wilderness , which is all within her;
Even it were otherwise , she does not know where to go.
Her stead-fast walk looks impressive ,
despite her tattered clothes.
But looks can be very deceptive,
the truth remains: She has no place to go.

I made her that way, haggard, torn and numb.
I stole her of her joyful smiles and
marred the beauty she was meant to be.
She is now many a times stoned,
but she gives a smile so dumb.
Pity ...her cradle is her coffin.

She was given unto the hands of a stranger to her heart.
It was I who did it.
What hurts her most is not the stones nor the stranger,
but the fact that she is abandoned to eternity.
And the doer of the deed is abandoned as much.
Wounds heal, pain fades ...scars remain.

Monday, August 13, 2007

A snap-shot of me

Yesterday , I waded in the waters of a calm , clear , beautiful lake.I was thinking about the turbulence that the previous day's rain should ve brought upon the lake.I watched a leaf fall...ripe and gracious.I walked over lots of them,I heard them rustle under my feet.

I like the woods ...the crickets , the bees (or may be the wasps..I cant tell between the two) , the earthern-smell,the calm waters, the trees, the breeze ...especially after a rain.They feed my senses and do something to me which i donot know what...something very good.Not a passing feeling...but a staying calm.

I dont know if I m calm or at peace or contented or am simply tired.What ever it is
I like it now.I like what I m in the woods.

Monday, August 06, 2007

I read this:

"I wrote a poem to the moon

But no one noticed it;

Although I hoped that late or soon

Someone would praise a bit

Its purity and grace forlone,

Its beauty tulip-cool...

But as my poem died still-born,

I felt a fool.

I wrote a verse of vulgar trend

Spiced with an oath or two;

I tacked a snapper at the end

And called it Dan McGrew .

I spouted it to bar-room boys,

Full fifty years away;

Yet still with rude and ribald noise

It lives today.

'Tis bitter truth, but there you are-

That's how a name is made;

Write of a rose, a lark, a star,

You'll never make the grade.

But write of gutter and of grime,

Of pimp and prostitute,

The multitude will read your rhyme,

And pay to boot.

So what's the use to burn and bleed

And strive for beauty's sake?

No one your poetry will read,

Your heart will only break.

But set your song in vulgar pitch,

If rhyme you will not rue,

And make your heroine a bitch...

Like Lady Lou ."

- Robert William Service, "My Cross"

And it made perfect sense to me!!!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Yet another rattle...

Things are getting better at my corner of the world.The sun is shining brighter , the grass is greener, the winged-ones are chirping merrier than ever.Ofcourse itz summer , but then I am talking about the sun-shine within :-)

For the last couple of weeks I was going through a not-so-smooth patch.But now things have changed for better.For one, I m doing the right things , well , atleast some, and that puts a smile on my days:-)

Over the troubled-week I just came up with a prayer(not that I m all that pious!!) :

"God , give me the pride to do things on my own , when I can;
And the humility to ask for help when there are things I cannot."

Time to get back to work ...ciao!!!!

Keep smiling :-)

Saturday, July 28, 2007


Was nt I talking about the quotes I miss very badly , here? Well, thanks to DD and Pramod for having saved my quotes from oblivion :)

Folks , here you go!!!

"A man ought to read just as inclination leads him,
for what he reads as a task will do him little good.
-Samuel Johnson

"Millions saw the apple fall,
but Newton was the one who asked why."
- Bernard Baruch

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-Anais Nin

"Failure is success if we learn from it."
- Malcolm Forbes

"You can't see the world through a mirror."
- Avril Lavigne.

"If you forgive yourself, you will stop criticizing others".
-Andrew Matthew

"Confidence comes not from always being right
but from not fearing to be wrong."
- Peter T. McIntyre

"Have the determination of a mirror
which never loses its ability to reflect
even if it is broken into a thousand pieces."
-Author Unknown

"Knowing others is intelligence.Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength.Mastering yourself is true power".
-Swami Vivekananda

"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which
we are permitted to remain children all our lives."
-Albert Einstein

"Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom,
and being one's own person is its ultimate reward."
- Patricia Sampson

"People demand freedom of speech
to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."
- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

"If you understand, things are just as they are;
if you do not understand, things are just as they are."
- Zen proverb

"Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others. "
-Russel Edson

"Happiness can be defined, in part at least,
as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice
what we want now for what we want eventually."
-Stephen R. Covey

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write,
but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
- Alvin Toffler

"Functional Competence is a threshold requirement.
Emotional competence is what will make you a star ."
– Daniel Goleman

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."
-Christopher Reeve

"Great Leaders are not defined by the absence of weakness
but rather by the presence of clear strengths."
- Author Unknown

"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times;
but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly,
till they take root in our personal experience."
- Johann von Goethe

"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."
- Edith Wharton

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."
- Lucille Ball

"Men are not disturbed by things,
but the view they take of things."
- Epictetus

"Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude."
-Ralph Marston

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
-Albert Einstein

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to."
-Annie Gottlier

"If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others. "
-Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld

"Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.
Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul."
-Author Unknown

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious,
than to be able to decide. "
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"If Heaven made him - earth can find some use for him."
-Chinese Proverb

"It is your mind that creates this world."
- Siddhartha Buddha

"I cannot do without something greater than I,
something that is my life - the power to create."
-Vincent van Gogh

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather,
always bring your own sunshine."
-Anthony J. D'Angelo

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
If you can dream it, you can become it."
-William Arthur Ward

"It often takes more courage to change one's opinion
than to stick to it."
-Geoffrey F. Abert

"Happiness can be defined, in part at least,
as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice
what we want now for what we want eventually."
-Stephen R. Covey

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write,
but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
- Alvin Toffler

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts.
It's what you do with what you have left."
-Hubert Humphrey

"Functional Competence is a threshold requirement.
Emotional competence is what will make you a star ."
– Daniel Goleman

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."
-Christopher Reeve

"Great Leaders are not defined by the absence of weakness
but rather by the presence of clear strengths."
- Author Unknown

"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times;
but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly,
till they take root in our personal experience."
- Johann von Goethe

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
- Author unknown

"Take the attitude of a student;
never be to big to ask questions,
never know too much to learn something new. "
-Og Mandino

"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."
- Edith Wharton

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."
- Lucille Ball

"You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one.
Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own.
It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle."
-Paulo Coelho

"Men are not disturbed by things,
but the view they take of things."
- Epictetus

"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people
not smart enough to know they were impossible. "
-Doug Larson

"Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude."
-Ralph Marston

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
-Albert Einstein

"It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes. "
-Sally Field

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to."
-Annie Gottlier

"If we had no faults of our own,
we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others. "
-Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld

"Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.
Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul."
-Author Unknown

"The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born? Where is your home?
Where are you going? What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change."
-Richard Bach

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious,
than to be able to decide. "
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"If Heaven made him - earth can find some use for him."
-Chinese Proverb

"It is your mind that creates this world."
- Siddhartha Buddha

"It is very easy to tell the difference between man-made and God-made objects.
The more you magnify man-made objects, the cruder they look,
but the more you magnify God-made objects,
the more precise and intricate they appear."
- Luther Sutherland

"I cannot do without something greater than I,
something that is my life - the power to create."
-Vincent van Gogh

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather,
always bring your own sunshine."
-Anthony J. D'Angelo

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
If you can dream it, you can become it."
-William Arthur Ward

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age,
which means never losing your enthusiasm."
- Aldous Leonard Huxley

"I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything
I still believe that people are really good at heart."
- Anne Frank

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."
- Tuli Kupferberg

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. "
-Albert Camus

"Sanity is madness put to good use. "
-George Santayana

"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience
and nothing so hard to apply. "
- Josh Billings

"Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present."
-Albert Camus.

"One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure"
- William Feather

"Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final."
- Roger Babson

"All that man has to do is to take care of three things;
good thought, good word, good deed."
- Swami Vivekananda

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right,
for, you'll be criticized anyway.
You'll be damned if you do,
and damned if you don't. "
-Eleanor Roosevelt

"The things that made me stronger are the ones that didnt let me sleep at first. "

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word,
a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
- Leo F. Buscaglia

"Never explain yourself. Your friends dont need it and your enemies wont believe it."
-Belgicia Howell

"We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams."
- Jeremy Irons

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it."
-David Starr Jordan

"The best way out of a difficulty is through it."
- Robert Frost

"Learning by experience often is painful- and the more it hurts, the more you learn."
-Ralph Banks

"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere."
-Albert Einstein

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"
- Anonymous

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human ,
enough hope to make you happy."
-Author Unknown

"Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished."

" I learn by going where I have to go. "
-Theodore Roethke

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

"He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice."
- Albert Einstein

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."
- John Burroughs

"Our world exist only through our perception of it.Change our perception of our world and we can change the world - for us."
-Roger Dawson

"He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak."
- Michel de Montaigne

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
- Mark Twain

"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher."
-Thomas Henry Huxley

" What we see depends mainly on what we look for. "
- John Lubbock

"It is better to be making the news than taking it;
to be an actor rather than a critic."
- Winston Churchill

"If God answers your prayer, He's increasing your Faith..............
If He delays, He's increasing your Patience..........
If He doesn't answer, He Knows You Can Handle It."
- Anonymous

"The Kindest thing you can do for the people you care about is to become a happy, joyous person."
-Brian Tracy

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"People just don't land on mountaintops… they had to climb."
-Trevor Stienburg

"Everyone who got where he is has had to begin where he was."
-Robert Louis Stevenson

"Troubles are like a washing machine,they twist and knock us around,but in the end we come out brighter and better than before"
- Anonymous

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."
- Thomas Alva Edison

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
-Oprah Winfrey

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
- Antoine de Saint

"When someone we love is having difficulty and is giving us a bad time, it's better to explore the cause than to criticize the action. "
- Zig Ziglar

"Every great man is always being helped by everybody, for his gift is to get good out of all things and all persons."
-John Ruskin

"There is one quality that one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it."
- Napoleon Hill

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"To be a great champion you must believe you are the best.
If you're not, pretend you are."
- Muhammad Ali

"The better a man is, the more mistakes he will make, for the more new things he will try."
- Peter Druker

" Anyone who keeps learning today is young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."
-Henry Ford

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength."
-Ralph Sockman

" Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. "
-Shawn Alexander

"There are no opportunities, only problems"
- Bill Austin

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. "
-Robert Louis Stevenson

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost. That is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them. "
-Henry David Thoreau

"There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein.

"Happiness is like jam. You can't spread even a little without getting some on yourself."

"They can conquer who believe they can. He has not learned the first lesson is life who does not every day surmount a fear."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is not because things are different that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult."
- Anonymous

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."
- Michael Jordon

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."
- Woody Allen

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."
- Michael Jordon

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover will be yourself. "
- Alan Alda (1936 - )

" Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier."
- Mother Teresa

"People with goals succeed because they know where they are going... It's as simple as that."
- Earl Nightingale

"First they ignore you.
Then they laugh at you.
Then they fight you.
Then you win!!"
- Mohandas Gandhi

"I don't dream at night, I dream all day; I dream for a living."
- Steven Spielberg

"It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. "
- Goethe

"You are never given a wish without being given the power to make it true."
- Richard Bach
"Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah"

"You have achieved success if you have lived well, laughed often and loved much."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia."
-Charles Schultz

"An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind."
-Dr. Albert Schweitzer

"There are three marks of a superior man: being virtuous, he is free from anxiety; being wise, he is free from perplexity; being brave, he is free from fear."
- Confucius

" The greatest pleasure in life is being able to do what someone else told you you'd fail at. I'm a strong enough person to accept failure, but I'm not strong enough to handle not trying."
-Walter Bagehot

"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb."
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


I ve always had a problem getting in terms with time in age.Not that I believe in age-related behaviour. I ve always been treated like a princess, a pampered child back at home and with my close circle of friends. Yeah yeah there have been down-sides to that..that I m seen a kiddo , people assume that I dont know things and try explaining or deciding things for me.

Sometimes I try to make myself understand that I ve grown up.One thing that flips my time-sensitivity back to normalcy is this: I remember how small I was when I hugged my dad , back when I was in school ..I would put my head against his paunch..that how tiny I was.Well , now , I can almost lean on his shoulders ...hugging my dad :-) Guess, he makes a good time-gauge...But growing tall does nt necessarily mean growing old ...does it?

But I hate the part of me that hangs on so firmly to the past and whines about what a glorious past it was. Thatz one sure thing that I want to iron-out.Or may be I actually am getting older..or wiser or more complicated or may be the night-mare has begun?!!!

For me , growing old is ok ..but not into a grown-up.When one is grown-up , there is no further one can get and then I would be way too up that I am scared/upset of looking-down at people.

Wondering what is with me....I m just in my mid-twenties and my mid-life crisis has already jolted to life ? Nay should be the usual crazy ways in which I think :-)

Friday, July 06, 2007

Feel free not to read this ...

This post is not going to make any sense...not that every other post of mine did!!But this is going to be worser than them all.So, feel free to ignore this post.I m just recoring the random thoughts running in my mind.
I love to be mean and vicious.No I dont hate anyone just that I bored.Bored of being good, doing sensible things, things that are expected of me ..all my actions quite predictable.I choose to be predictable...I think I should be good to people in that way, when I am actually churning out thoughts that are actually me, just with-in me.Thoughts, very unpredictable, random, arrogant , annoying, mean , snobbish, rebellious...angry.The thoughts which actually are me, may be not all of me.I do think other ways.
Its quite sometime since I ve felt pain...the kind that would toss me down and snap me.Being through the pain was get through it, to feel miserable,hope-less, dead and come-back to life ...limping...then walk and then turn around and give the agony a back-ward glance.I liked it when I saw myself through that.I love my them I m stronger.
These days is fairly predictable, like me.Boring me.Well, if you thought that something bad happened to me and that I m into some kind of depression.You have terribly mistaken.Life is good...too good that its too boring.I m bored of myself.
When ever I meet a simple someone , I feel jealous.I ve, in my haste, ran too fast past that mark.And theres no turning back now.One cannot put the tree back into the seed.I yearn to think simple...without any complexity/weirdity...more towards not to think at all.Just to obey.
I ve to learn humility ...To stomp on the thing called 'ego' and to crumble it, with my own feet.To feel pain , to feel hopeless and bare and too weak to fight and to come in terms with my limitations.
Somehow I feel there are not just good and bad people.But people waiting with all earnesty to be on the other side.May be all are just good people , who have nt had a chance to be mean.Or the other way ...all are just mean people yearning to be good.Being just one of them soo boring , incomplete.Everyone is unique about the way they are good or bad and in that we are all the same.
I m thinking too random and hurriedly for me to record them.I ll stop here.If you dint understand...just dont bother.I dint write to be understood.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

An update from my corner of the world...

Itz just a week's time but it seems like a long time to me...
The weekend that went by ...the June 24 and 25 , I had a spurt of life...for many reasons:
-> My first driving experience on high-way , a 3 hr stretch
-> My maiden tryst with a beautiful , loving American family
-> My close to death ( well..not as close!!!) water skiing experience

Driving the hi-way is something that gives me a high...hitting the roads for a 3 hr drive at a stretch was major fun.The drive back from the beautiful village of Brandon was not simply beautiful, but was filling me with mirth and a simple-kind of peace as well.But I really have to drive more to let go the teeny-weeny butterflies that prop up every now and then.And ofcourse start my map-reading lessons all over again.
India has always been looked up for itz culture and close-knit family ties.Back in my country,India, we take great pride about it , more so because we think we out-smart the US in that.Having been to the American home I had been to , I think it would be so very unfair to hoard all the credits for close family ties, just for ourselves.I think the way family-ties works in the US is quite different from the way it works in India.In India, personal space is very limited by love and affection that to an alien to the culture, may seem,in the US they respect personal spaces but step-in when one is in need.
I ve grown to like each of these cultures , for their own uniqueness.One gives roots to stand firm ...another gives wings to soar.I need them both :-)
And about the water-skiing was in the morning of June 25, I took to water skiing or tubing.Armed in a life-jacket and with tips and expert advice, I took to water skiing.Enthused by how adept I was at handling the beginner's level , I scurried to the next level ...the spins and the twirls.I just could not handle the force of the streamer against the water ...I ripped of the floater and tore into the 30 feet deep lake.
To see the bluish-green drowning me...with no trace of light , to feel water in the recesses of my brain, to be cut-off from air and gasping for breath, eyes burning with the water flooding,the blinding first ever close-to-death experience..that was awesome.Well, it was not as close to death ...I had my life-jacket on...but my inept brain wud not trust it so well that it played havoc for few moments.That moment I knew how much I loved my life :-)
For the little seeds of realisation that the week brought along..I simply loved it ...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

A plea...

Until not very long ago ...for close to 3 years, I sent out a good morning mail to my friends ( almost all) and to people who made a difference to me.

The mail comprises a picture and a signature quote , a unique one for every day.It was an 15 min effort each day ...looking up for the appropriate quote , ensuring itz not repeated and actually composing the mail and sending it out.

All that and now I realise I dint spend just one more minute to compile the quotes into a collection.I just now realised how I loved every single one of very much!!!

Dumb me!!!!

If you were one of the recipients of my mail and if you have the quotes collected,
please do share it with me.

I would be ever so grateful...

I pray you do...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

A snapshot of me

I m damn furious about how cheap people can get , taking advantage of disabilities, just this specific case of playing a mean and nasty game, without fighting it out straight.

Or may be I dint leave them with a choice.

And I learnt how tough it can get, to be in the mob-mentality crowd and save your self.But I choose to go on.

Pray I dont stoop so low as to give up my self-esteem to get what I want.

If I have to, I shall miserably fail rather.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Lessons for life

This one is on relationships ...things I learnt.Just thought I ll put these here that someone might
save a bit of their own sanity.

->If something came up too quick it will be too quick to go down as well.

->"Age appears to be best in four things -
old wood best to burn, old wine to drink,
old friends to trust, and old authors to read."
- Francis Bacon, 1624
Trust this man ...he sure is worldly-wise.Nothing like a friend whose been there through the years...

->If you ever have it in you to be protective of your loved ones...just let that go.Every living , thinking human is to be trusted with their own decisions.And it is perfectly ok to falter ...the lesson stays for long that way.

->Expressions of affection vary from person to person.Not speaking your language does not mean no loving thoughts.

->If you love someone speak it out.Many lives have been de-railed more by silence than by words.

->You know when you ve made a great relationship when you feel connected , secure feeling...but there just is no bondage.
You are free to be strings attached.

-> Think beyond the bonding , possessive-ness , mad love.As much as I see these elements here are no doubt mushy-mushy , chO chweet things.But for love to thrive there needs a certain amount of sensibility.I ve outgrown my belief in the phrase
'madly in love'.If theres madness aint love.

->When we like someone we have a natural tendency to be good....even if it means being unlike our-selves.If you are walking that way, itz time you told yourself a 'no'.What you ve been for ages you cannot change cannot run away from the person that really is 'you'.One day the real 'you' is gonna blow up ...what you ve built.Rather be yourself.If someone is
with you , let that be because of who you are and not because of what you ve become of them.

->If someone says 'I would die for you' cautious.A person who cannot value life would certainly be incapable of valuing relationships.And if you are one saying that , that thought needs serious reconsideration.

->If you are one whose looking at your relationship as plain and dull, yearning for adventure , remember those turbulent times you faced and how glad you were to be back home. A rock is plain hard reliable, not as much fun.You can choose the waves if you want , but you ought to make seas your home.

->If you thought someone made you cry , then they are not worth your tears.If someone was worth your tears , they would nt let you cry in the first place.

->Cry if you must , but move on.Life is too precious to be wasted in tears.

->If someone left you and left you wondering whatz the reason , I bet there should be no real reason worthwhile to know.Stop asking ,'Why me?'.It is probably their instinct that played havoc and now they missed you!

->If you think you are cranking up and being a pain to your loved ones, that is perfectly ok.You dont have to be good , understanding and a pleasure all the time.Let the guilt go...itz ok to crank up and your loved-ones would understand for sure.

->Letting go is probably the toughest lesson life gives.But once you master it, you ve it all.

->Never ever play the blame-game.No-one can ruin your life more than you.When your relationship or life is a wreck and you do a post-mortem , you will discover that it was simply you ...the choices you made.

->You just have one life , the best bet would be to fill it with as much love, light and laughter.

All that said , your life is what you live.Sure life comes with no guarantee , learning is on-the-job and change is inevitable.

But like I said before , if you had the option of being happy , why be anyway else :)

Friday, June 08, 2007

A snap-shot of me

Today was a day that tested my temper greatly but I saved it by composure.I always believe in the goodness of people - that everyone is striving to be good until there arises a situation that forces them other-wise.And thats one reason I hold my temper with such care.

I would have to agree with the fact that me opening up is limited to people with an acceptable frequency to me and to others I m merely silent and good.

Just when I try to be good...somethings make my work tougher... like mob-mentality (which makes it tough for me to sink in a gang), back-seat driving( I ve taken a vow never to get picky that way) , silly attitude ( which I should mercilessly ignore) , gossip , passing public judgements, pretence, ...may be one time or the other i am there...but i try not to hit those shores, atleast not quite so often that I would detest myself for that.

Thats for now...Take care.Have a lovely weekend.

I m gonna have one ;-)

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Update from the weekend

Weekend was majorly filled with activities the Itasca State Park

The following are the lessons/experiences:
-> If you are spinning up scary stories(especially about bear attacks) make sure they are not sooo real that you start believing them.Or, put yourself a reminder(Else you are gonna turn pale at your own shadow)

-> Dont hit the brakes where the roads are still wet (Courtesy: my biking
adventure...which came with a free swipe-out session)

-> If someone tells you something is tough ...dont believe until you had tried...even if that someone is you (Courtesy: Kayaking).

-> What you feel with your hand may not actually be what is true (I m talking about the damp grass on which I sat smack...and you know the rest of the story!)

-> When someone is really pushy and you are completely annoyed...dont put up too tough a fight...there might be actually doors opening to what you are capable of...rather than what you actually do.Then again personal discretion is the last word.

-> When you are in a new place ...with a new experience ...dont be lazy to take those extra dont want to repent later!!!

-> If you get lost in the forest( like the one I went to)...that would be the best thing that can happen to you...far from the maddening crowd.And dont you panic...after all, they will find you.

-> Hiking with no shoes is a bad option...even wet sneakers would do.You never know how mean those slimy creatures can get and oh the mosquitoes!!

-> Be prepared for a fall when you wade through a river(with that unknown terrain beneath)...that way the fall is not all that miserable.It infact may turn out to be major fun.Little bruises dont hurt that much!!

->Lunching in the middle of the lake is soooo much fun (the word I wish I could use is 'romantic'...but is not applicable considering the scenario) with 6 enthused ppl, 2 sleepy kids and the menu reads -'Pulisaadam' ,'thayir saadam', 'Potato fry','chips'.

Best of all,
-> If you have the option of being happy...why be any way else!!!!

This is from today:
Did you know that 1 sec = 1000 milli-seconds and not 60? I dint until I had to set the maximum retries to 3 secs in milli-seconds('30000 milli-secs') !

Love and a learning soul...

I ve borne you in my heart;
Seeing us long before you saw me.
No, I dint give any fervent prayers.
I simply dint think that would happen...and it did.
For the cherub you were, you made loving you so easy-
filling the vacuum eroding my soul...I thought you really did.
I wonder how with every rain the skies dont fade.
I wish many a thing were like the fade or change.
But what I ask for is not what I would really want.
You are not a plant I weed nor a word I give to the air.
It hurts to rip you off ... but not as much that I cannot bear.
I know staying is not an option...and you ll learn it very soon.
Every seed must see the day-light and bask in the moon.
Before your wings get too big for the nest,
I give you to the winds and I know I do the best.
Dont you worry,you are going to be just fine.
And ...I ve learnt the vacuum to fill,
the job,...itz mine...I ll look within.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Too tired to give a name now...

3 days flew by in a wink.Before I cud realize I m here at my pod work.

Friday was good ..with my own private party ...a party that dint leave me with a head ache.

Saturday ... was by myself ...lost all sense of time...I cant remember anything sensible I did.It was food , movies , music and sleep.

Two days was too much to go without any solid food..yeah I lived on cream crackers,yogurt, juices and junk food for 2.5 days.Now that I cud take it no more,Sunday, resorted to cooking a full course meal .A couple of frenz came over for lunch.Wanted to go to the park nearby...but like with life,not everything happens as planned in a day.So was home mostly.

Monday got me on my toes..lotsa cleaning,washing , vaccuming , dishes , ..and finally the nice big chunk of sleep I so deserved after the tiresome work.

I guess I m rattling-off all this junk in an effort to clear-off my clutter.I miss being the innocent, happy-go-lucky soul I used to be,I m nothing but cribbing and whining !!

My hard drive needs formatting.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

My Soliloquy

It has been quite a while since I have spoken to myself...despite the fact that it is very important to me.I ve been stuffing my baggage with keep-sakes...forgetting my survival kit.And now that I choke I ve come back to my home and my soliloquy.

I ve never been a person i would be happy to be.Its always been there ...something or the other... short-comings, dilemmas, identity crisis , rust , spooky corners , wilderness, cheap dirt, fear, darker elements.

There are times when i actually think if there is any sane reason i live, a purpose.Invariably every time I fail miserably to spot one.

And there is this other thing I go thru very often, with love and with people.Sometimes I m so full of love and compassion and then there are others when I m stone cold to the self-same people I love soo much.Sometimes I love people around and sometimes I dont.And then times when I m scared , lost and lonely...when I feel like curling up and sleeping into eternity.Sometimes I m a stranger to myself.

All that said therez just one thing I hang on belief in the goodness of people.I believe people are good time or other.That very same thought leads me to believe that may be I m good too!! Yeah I know I sound crazy...I know I m.Everyonez crazy...just in their own ways.

After a real long time I got into this pointless self-talk...I feel the pressure ease-off.I m breathing me...I m myself again ...not as much though:)

Looking forward to the long weekend ...where it will just be I , me and myself...we have so much to talk...for all the times that ve been missed.

Happy weekend folks !!!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

My Denver Days - V - Royal Gorge

Itz been more than a month since I returned from my Denver trip and here I m still making time here and there to write my post on that. Work has never been more filling.

But this post is the most special of all :-)As it has been through-out the trip I was with a great bunch.That apart...

The Royal Gorge is one place where nature and human compete with each other in filling you with awe. Nature fills one with awe with its astounding fall for its overwhelming depths.The view atop the peak makes one speechless.If you are a crazy nut like are sure to fall on your knees.Believe me I was almost in overswhelming.

Just when one revels in the awe of the mighty nature ...the Golden Gate Bridge across the gorge , defying all structural impossibilities.Hanging 1,053 feet above Colorado’s wild Arkansas River, the Royal Gorge Bridge is the world's highest suspension bridge. Whether itz driving or walking across ...the experience is truly awesome.


Oh ..if you thought this is about it...hang on ...I got my own share of freaking adventure to share with you :-)

I did this!!!

SkyRocketing poles...

Sky-rocketing poles ...a Close up

Yes...I did skyrocketing!!!Well ..I ve to say I survived sky-rocketing.A truly exhilarating experience....flying in and out of the deep gorge....up in the sky one moment and in the deep gorge the very next.

Lemme explain in detail...we were a group of three who ventured out to sky-rocket.We were drawn up across the 2 poles supporting the cord hooked to our vests.And on reaching the maximum height,(110 feet from ground...remember we are already atop a peak) we have to let ourselves go by pulling a tag in our vest.And I was the one with the tag and pulling that tag was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life.I almost lost my breath! What followed was an eerie first swing up the sky and into the gorge.From the second swing on I was sort-of enjoying my flight...a bit nervous as well.The experience was sooo thrilling and revealing.I know I wud sound like trying to explain how does sweet taste.I m just trying here.

Now , I m walking in a trance ...bitten by the adventure bug.Truly exhilarating an experience!!

Other stuff I got to do was travel down the gorge in a winch( I dont know if I m spelling it right), spotting some mountain goats, Big-horns (Of which one was gracious enough to pose for me :-) ) and yaks.

THE BRIDGE from below

Looking up...

Looking down ...

The gracious one :-)

Yaks...shud ve been called yucks...they stink!!!

Guess this post is getting packed here.I stop here and will get back into my zombie world of coding.Looking forward to more adventure to share with you all.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

A snap-shot of me...

If this title makes you wonder why...dont think hard.Way back, I started out with this title as a series and somewhere in the lane , lost count.Now, too lazy to do a look-up.

Just now ..I finished 6 fortune cookies ...and I need as much fortune as I can have.

Dont ask me why and I ll start-off with a whole new episode of whining and cribbing.
Well...things are nt all that bad!!!!

For the little seed of hope they sow..I love fortune cookies.

Are you in the club?

Friday, April 06, 2007

A snap-shot of me...

The way I feel now ... and one of my favourite lines..

Taking advantage of me is one thing I simply cannot stand.People who know me and know me well... dont do that.Itz just the people who simply cross my way.That is even more disgusting!!

I bend ...I dont stoop.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

My Denver Days - IV Pikes Peak

Well ...this is where the tint of adventure begins to surround the picture ;-)
Pikes Peak , 14,110 feet above sea level , is one of the tallest peaks of Colardo mountains.
The most exciting thing about the drive up the peak is the number of hair-pin bends adding to thr thrill are the
curvy roads without any bunds.One slip can take us tumbling and that was one thing that was freaking me all thru,
despite the thrill.

One major fun that we had is at the snow fields half-way up the ascent.
I got a little lucky in our snow war...not as much hurt.Well luck apart..I was running from my attackers like crazy!!!

Up the Pikes peak , we had hot chocolate.Well, hot chocolate had never been this good
...warming me up against the biting cold winds.

We did spot some mountain goats and the special thing about them is that their hoofs
keep them firm on snow and rocks.Lets not get too technical here :-)

As the screen lowers ...the drive down was as much fun..and now its snap-time :-)

The Drive up..

Ute Pass

View atop

Snow war victim ...well thatz me !!

Can you believe ...we were standing up at an altitude higher than the clouds!!

Mountain goats

A souvenir to keep...

Monday, April 02, 2007

My Denver Days - III Aspen Mountains

Monday morning is such an odd time to be blogging!!But here I m doing just that thing...thanks to all the stuff we call dependency.God bless dependencies!!!

So , before I ve someone plays the peek-a-boo I ll quickly run you through the Aspen Mountains.Driving past Glenwood(known for itz hot-springs) took us to a pretty beautiful view of the Aspen, the snow-covered mass soaring into the sky is so much of a beautiful sight.

The hanging lake was were we waded thru the freezing water ...and my feet turned numb and my heart felt warm.Thanks to our tour guide Naatmai ...we got to see one of the less-known beautiful trails and a half done bridge.We enjoyed watching skiers as I had nt learnt skiing then :-p

The day we had been to Aspen was St.Patrick's day and there was quite a lot of merry-making and Irish fun happening in the town.Guess they had built the whole place up with just luxury and fun in mind.I spotted a lotof Harley-Davidsons and they got me pretty excited...the bikes and the bikers :-)

I tried Lasagne for dinner at a local eatery, which i dint like as much...too cheesy.
I liked the one Deepa had made a couple of weeks back.The walk down the streets of Aspen, after the dinner,with my bro was one thing I enjoyed the most.Everyone needs a brother :-)

I think I m getting pretty aweful in putting down stuff about the places I had been to.So, I m leaving you here with snaps which wud do the job better.

Aspen, here we come

Aspen ...standing tall

One ....two ....Skii

The bridge across...

P.S: Just when I thought I m done with this post ...I hit upon this thought ( during a conversation with a frend).

"With life , there are some searches , that even google does nt have answers for" :-p

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

An oft realisation

There is so much of it ...yet so little.
I see it smile thru my teary eyes.
I have soo much of it ...I remember I shud not hold.
To have and not to hold is tough I know.
But the more I hold , the more I ll let go.
It is what is making me smile,
the self-same thing that makes me weep.
The one thing that is my boon and my bane,
that gives me my sense and so also drives me insane.
When tall I stand makes me bow.
Gives me wings , when I hardly know.
There has never been a greater pain;
there has never been a greater joy;
Nothing has ever made me so much a puppet ...a toy.
For all that it does to me and my life,
I love the love thatz breathing life to my life...

The funny thing about life ...or is it me ?

Off-late my life is sooo full...of people , love , experiences and adventure.At the self-same time I suffer a choking vacuum.I really dont know why? Can abundance can grief? I need to think.

Am I broke by love ...the abundance of it ...I dont know that either.Or may be itz the spatial separation that is. I m too trired to think.The only thing that comes to my mind is to get back home ...curl up and sleep.When I feel not-so-good , then i start feeling scared and cold.

I yearn for something I dont know.

Monday, March 26, 2007

An update from the weekend - skiing and more

If you are seeing too many posts in here know ..I ve soo much to share!!!And speaking about the weekend is nothing but imperative!!!

Can you believe ...I did skiing for the first ever time!!! We set out to ski at 8.30 in the morning. Can there be any more valid reason to be up that early on a saturday ? :-)

Therez this place called Afton - state park 7 miles from where we live.And during the winters it open for skiing and during summers for golf.We managed to hit the place just on the last weekend of skiing.

Believe me ... if you want to take a revenge them a pair of ski- shoes and if you want to reward them...teach them to skii :-)Itz both such a pain and a pleasure.

Each of those boots were sooo heavy ( aprox 5 pounds approx) ...not including the skates.Our ski instructor Tim , with his 40+ yrs of experience , managed to get a bit of skiing into my head.I can stay upright with my skis on :-)

Knowing a bit of balancing and linking the turns took me to a hi. I wanted to move from the slopes to up where the lift takes us . Well that was a bad option ...despite the fact that I enjoyed it.

Down the hill , I was skiing in every other place other than the snow...the woods and the slush and into the barricades.My tumble down the hill wud put all stunt-men to shame. Tumbling is an under-statement ...I cud not come up with another word.The best part is I managed to survive the full episode as one whole piece broken bones!!!

Just as if the skiing episode was not enough...we headed to tubing (2 hours of it) , with which I was pretty much at ease (well ...a 4 yr old kid was!!)

And then 2 games of snow-bowling ..I discovered I ve nt lost my bowling skills.If you are chuckling better not!!I think anything over 100 is decent ...and for the couple of strikes and spares I made :-)

With a rocking saturday like this , you shud know my sunday just went by sober , moaning and limping.It was then I knew I had so many bones and sinew , that can actually hurt !!

But people ...I skiied!!!!


My Denver Days - II ...The Rockies - Colarado

This trip was the first ever time in my life I hit the roads for a reaaal long drive and I absolutely enjoyed evry minute of it.The Rockies of Colarado are such an amazing sight that they filled with me with sheer awe.

With the weather getting warmer , we spotted anglers here and there , some of them with their mutts.That is what I call ...a worthy chunk of life :-) The warm sun , cool waters , fishing and your best buddy beside...who could ask for anything more ??

Hoping to try my hand in fishing ... I can imagine what subtle pleasure it wud be...

As much I tried to capture the beauty of the Rockies ...I know tried in vain.The beauty is far too over-powering to fit in a frame.

I tried!!!


More of Rockies

Colarado River ...frozen and flowing

A glimpse of the country-side

House on a hill-top

Free and wild ...